YEAR 12 FINISHED WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Everything is going well. Friendships that i thought were slipping have regained speed. We will just see. But I'm just taking things as it comes.
I've even been thinking about selling art and crafts. Just as a hobby. I think it is a good goal. :)
Monday 19 November 2012
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Human Emotion can be so bloody stupid sometimes. It can cause accidents, it can cause incidents and sometimes its just there, in the way of any logical thinking. Overanalysing is not a cognitive process. It is not at all. It is more an emotional part that has nothing to do with the brain (well it technically does but you get what im trying to say). I have done all of the above.
It can be so stupid in fact that it can hurt people, it can make others overanalyse and thus we have this neverending cycle. Overanalysing we all do it. If you say we don't then you're are not only lying to me but moreso yourselves. Why are you denying it? My friend always asks me. There are reasons. I say. But there are reasons for everything, the reason for the reasons is a different kettle of fish or something along those lines that women phrase. You are human. You overanalyse because you feel threatened, you care, or you dream.
Lately I have let my emotion to get in the way of my 'good temperament'. I have become too feminine, sorry girls. I used to joke about things, let people joke about things. Nothing would get to me. I wouldn't overthink things at all, I'd just let them be. As I've said I have been mighty angry recently. I have no idea why. It is annoying because this takes over my judgement. It makes me think things I wouldn't have if I were in a content mood.
I don't trust many people as it is but it has made me further question whether I should trust the people that I trust now. Yeah I'm a freak. I don't know if you guys do it also.
For instance there are these three little words that someone said to me the other day and no they are not 'I love you' haha, it will be a while for someone to even get to that point with me. Whatever!!! But no, because of my wavered judgement all I said was 'that's nice'. It just didn't make any sense. Was it a line? It was most likely a line- these thoughts were the one's that ran through my head non-stop.
People think that others overanalyse of people that they really like, in a romantic way. That is not the case, not at all, its just if you care about that person, if you trust that person or if aren't quite sure if you care more. It is Social Reality. It sucks.
People are complex creatures, they don't necessarily put it all out there. My friends don't allow the rest of the world to see who they truly are underneath that is why it didn't make sense. I don't get it. I probably never will. I don't want to keep questioning things, I want to trust what is said to me, but that is being naive. Ignorance is Bliss but is it really? Is a lie really better than the truth? And then that makes me wonder even more. I always say honesty is the best cure for anything. I'd rather be upfront and honest then deceive someone. Others say sometimes honesty isn't the best thing, you have to protect those you love. But is it really protecting? Or is it just blurring the truth? What if they hear the truth from someone else? Doesn't that hurt more? What if they are having a conversation with someone else and this judgement is somehow muddled, so they believe whatever shocking information comes out of that person's mouth. They believe they have been betrayed. Couldn't the truth at the start have prevented this outcome?
Then you have a minor fight with someone or a major fight with someone and they say all these nice things that make you feel like a fool for even believing someone else's truth. Later I then think, are they just saying these things to smooth things over, cause they can't be bothered, or they know what they did was wrong and they don't want to dig a deeper hole for themselves. I mean what is real! People are always trying to cover themselves, they just put it in a way that appears to be caring for other's wellbeing.
I don't know who or what to believe anymore that is why distancing helps a little, to gain perspective, to make the emotion calm down a little and possibly go. So that it is a clean slate and you can think clearly without this heavy fog blurring your mind and vision.
I don't know.
It all started with do you remember...
It can be so stupid in fact that it can hurt people, it can make others overanalyse and thus we have this neverending cycle. Overanalysing we all do it. If you say we don't then you're are not only lying to me but moreso yourselves. Why are you denying it? My friend always asks me. There are reasons. I say. But there are reasons for everything, the reason for the reasons is a different kettle of fish or something along those lines that women phrase. You are human. You overanalyse because you feel threatened, you care, or you dream.
Lately I have let my emotion to get in the way of my 'good temperament'. I have become too feminine, sorry girls. I used to joke about things, let people joke about things. Nothing would get to me. I wouldn't overthink things at all, I'd just let them be. As I've said I have been mighty angry recently. I have no idea why. It is annoying because this takes over my judgement. It makes me think things I wouldn't have if I were in a content mood.
I don't trust many people as it is but it has made me further question whether I should trust the people that I trust now. Yeah I'm a freak. I don't know if you guys do it also.
For instance there are these three little words that someone said to me the other day and no they are not 'I love you' haha, it will be a while for someone to even get to that point with me. Whatever!!! But no, because of my wavered judgement all I said was 'that's nice'. It just didn't make any sense. Was it a line? It was most likely a line- these thoughts were the one's that ran through my head non-stop.
People think that others overanalyse of people that they really like, in a romantic way. That is not the case, not at all, its just if you care about that person, if you trust that person or if aren't quite sure if you care more. It is Social Reality. It sucks.
People are complex creatures, they don't necessarily put it all out there. My friends don't allow the rest of the world to see who they truly are underneath that is why it didn't make sense. I don't get it. I probably never will. I don't want to keep questioning things, I want to trust what is said to me, but that is being naive. Ignorance is Bliss but is it really? Is a lie really better than the truth? And then that makes me wonder even more. I always say honesty is the best cure for anything. I'd rather be upfront and honest then deceive someone. Others say sometimes honesty isn't the best thing, you have to protect those you love. But is it really protecting? Or is it just blurring the truth? What if they hear the truth from someone else? Doesn't that hurt more? What if they are having a conversation with someone else and this judgement is somehow muddled, so they believe whatever shocking information comes out of that person's mouth. They believe they have been betrayed. Couldn't the truth at the start have prevented this outcome?
Then you have a minor fight with someone or a major fight with someone and they say all these nice things that make you feel like a fool for even believing someone else's truth. Later I then think, are they just saying these things to smooth things over, cause they can't be bothered, or they know what they did was wrong and they don't want to dig a deeper hole for themselves. I mean what is real! People are always trying to cover themselves, they just put it in a way that appears to be caring for other's wellbeing.
I don't know who or what to believe anymore that is why distancing helps a little, to gain perspective, to make the emotion calm down a little and possibly go. So that it is a clean slate and you can think clearly without this heavy fog blurring your mind and vision.
I don't know.
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 11 November 2012
I was being that advice person that every group has the other day. A friend had a predicament and she wanted help with something. My advice was don't waste your time and energy on someone you don't care about. Don't talk about them, don't get angry, don't cry over them, especially when that person obviously doesn't care about you. By doing any of these you are wasting energy, limited energy that us humans have. Energy that should be used towards things that actually make us happy, I was in a shit mood this morning I'm not gonna lie. But it soon turned when I drove to my cousins house. I haven't hung out with these guys in a long time. Seeing as school is no more, I have the time to spend quality time. We went to the park and the sunshine was so satisfying that I rather be happy then think about anybody that makes me angry.
Just goes to show people should take their own advice and if they can't how can anybody else?
Just something to think about.
It all started with do you remember...
Just goes to show people should take their own advice and if they can't how can anybody else?
Just something to think about.
It all started with do you remember...
Friday 9 November 2012
It can be pissing down rain, it can be storming, it can be freezing but today I do not care at all. I do not give a shit. Today I am happy. I can't stop laughing, my cheeks hurt from smiling. Had a great day with mum. Good Luck all around. I got a dress (yes i actually went shopping -.-, i bought a ring) my lit exam went pretty good I reckon.
SIGHHHHHHHHHH. I AM JUST SO FRIGGEN HAPPY.
it all started with do you remember..
SIGHHHHHHHHHH. I AM JUST SO FRIGGEN HAPPY.
it all started with do you remember..
Thursday 8 November 2012
There is this special woman in my life that I'd like to stop studying and just talk about her for a while.
People look at her and they get disgusted. She does look worse for wear. The weight of a million dreads, lost hopes, and lack of self worth round her shoulders. She is carrying all this physical weight. Most of it is fluid, it has become a condition in the past decade. But she doesn't see the fluid. She sees the weight, the weight is a reminder of all she has lost, the degradation and constant inner conflict within herself. I could just imagine how regretful she would be. She regrets her decisions, she regrets her lack of motivation, she regrets her impact on our family. She regrets it all. She feels like she is never good enough, with a brother that is pushing her to move in life, out of the deepest love may I add (the love he has for his sister is phenomenal, truly), but there is always this hunch that she feels like she is just a waste of space. She has been given this life that because of her past has impacted on wasting it in the future. This precious life that she just sits down on her laptop and does not have the self respect to even try and change her ways.
Then there are her eyes. Her eyes that hold years of pain and suffering physical, mental and emotional...but definitely emotional. The large brown eyes that are full of woe. It is in every step, every heavy breath, just a heave to move. Now she isn't morbidly obese. It is just painful. Every year more deterioration occurs.
I love this woman so bloody much that it friggen kills me inside to see her like this. She is my constant worry. My family's constant worry but moreso my dad's constant worry. He used to have jetblack hair even when he was fifty but recently I can see the signs of stress. The exhaustion in his voice when he says that she is in hospital again, when she is off the list, when she has been kicked out. A sister falling to pieces.
He comes back most nights, late from the hospital, as he visits her most nights, and when he isn't he usually is out anyway. He comes back angry, bitter and exhausted and I can't blame him.
Whenever she smokes I feel like yelling at her, saying 'what the f*ck are you doing?, you have asthma, you are in bad condition, and you bloody don't help yourself.' Some days I get so angry. Not many people can get me angry, I don't waste anger on those I do not love. Even then not many can light my fuse. But she can. She just has to sit there and I get angry. Moreso I get angry within myself because I know its not her fault. Sure she could try and change, but I am not her, I am healthy, I am strong-willed I can't judge what I don't know. I get angry at myself for getting angry at her. I love her there is no denying that, I feel for her. I wish I could help, but I can't. All I can do is spend time with her which has been inevitable this week. Which is a good thing. But at the start of this whole ordeal I was thinking selfishly and I am ashamed of that. I get angry at her divorced husband, I get angry at all the people who put her down in her childhood. I am so fired up I could punch a wall and I probably would knowing it would break my hand, I kinda need to write tomorrow. I just want to find all these people and guilt them for what they have done, either consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't deserve any of this f*cking shit. She is still young 49, and she acts like a 2 year old but also physically aches like an 80 year old. It hurts. It truly does.
She has never stopped loving me. I remember her teaching me how to play Monopoly, or us baking, she tells me of stories of when I was younger and though she repeats them all the time I don't care. Because she is smiling and she is happy. I know this happiness is just a slither of positivity and I'm not naive enough to believe that she is genuinely happy but in those moments she is.Her niece and nephews all five of us are everything to her. She cares so much. She has a heart of gold, she used to have have all of this ambition and this drive, that I am told that I have, She is so intelligent, she knows all these facts and figures about everything. The living encyclopedia.
If i could do one thing, I would want to give her a new lease on life.
Another thing I know is that this post doesn't give her justice.
It all started with do you remember...
People look at her and they get disgusted. She does look worse for wear. The weight of a million dreads, lost hopes, and lack of self worth round her shoulders. She is carrying all this physical weight. Most of it is fluid, it has become a condition in the past decade. But she doesn't see the fluid. She sees the weight, the weight is a reminder of all she has lost, the degradation and constant inner conflict within herself. I could just imagine how regretful she would be. She regrets her decisions, she regrets her lack of motivation, she regrets her impact on our family. She regrets it all. She feels like she is never good enough, with a brother that is pushing her to move in life, out of the deepest love may I add (the love he has for his sister is phenomenal, truly), but there is always this hunch that she feels like she is just a waste of space. She has been given this life that because of her past has impacted on wasting it in the future. This precious life that she just sits down on her laptop and does not have the self respect to even try and change her ways.
Then there are her eyes. Her eyes that hold years of pain and suffering physical, mental and emotional...but definitely emotional. The large brown eyes that are full of woe. It is in every step, every heavy breath, just a heave to move. Now she isn't morbidly obese. It is just painful. Every year more deterioration occurs.
I love this woman so bloody much that it friggen kills me inside to see her like this. She is my constant worry. My family's constant worry but moreso my dad's constant worry. He used to have jetblack hair even when he was fifty but recently I can see the signs of stress. The exhaustion in his voice when he says that she is in hospital again, when she is off the list, when she has been kicked out. A sister falling to pieces.
He comes back most nights, late from the hospital, as he visits her most nights, and when he isn't he usually is out anyway. He comes back angry, bitter and exhausted and I can't blame him.
Whenever she smokes I feel like yelling at her, saying 'what the f*ck are you doing?, you have asthma, you are in bad condition, and you bloody don't help yourself.' Some days I get so angry. Not many people can get me angry, I don't waste anger on those I do not love. Even then not many can light my fuse. But she can. She just has to sit there and I get angry. Moreso I get angry within myself because I know its not her fault. Sure she could try and change, but I am not her, I am healthy, I am strong-willed I can't judge what I don't know. I get angry at myself for getting angry at her. I love her there is no denying that, I feel for her. I wish I could help, but I can't. All I can do is spend time with her which has been inevitable this week. Which is a good thing. But at the start of this whole ordeal I was thinking selfishly and I am ashamed of that. I get angry at her divorced husband, I get angry at all the people who put her down in her childhood. I am so fired up I could punch a wall and I probably would knowing it would break my hand, I kinda need to write tomorrow. I just want to find all these people and guilt them for what they have done, either consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't deserve any of this f*cking shit. She is still young 49, and she acts like a 2 year old but also physically aches like an 80 year old. It hurts. It truly does.
She has never stopped loving me. I remember her teaching me how to play Monopoly, or us baking, she tells me of stories of when I was younger and though she repeats them all the time I don't care. Because she is smiling and she is happy. I know this happiness is just a slither of positivity and I'm not naive enough to believe that she is genuinely happy but in those moments she is.Her niece and nephews all five of us are everything to her. She cares so much. She has a heart of gold, she used to have have all of this ambition and this drive, that I am told that I have, She is so intelligent, she knows all these facts and figures about everything. The living encyclopedia.
If i could do one thing, I would want to give her a new lease on life.
Another thing I know is that this post doesn't give her justice.
It all started with do you remember...
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Brown Paper Bag
A brown paper bag?
What do they behold?
It must be innocent?
The knowledge is worth gold?
It's mysterious lure
Sings to me.
Its hidden nature
Does not want to be seen.
Brown Paper Bag
You are a device.
To hide and conceal.
Someone's demise.
Death is not just for the dead.
It is to define a termination.
My heart turns to lead.
Who is next?
Is it the grog bearer?
Or the druggie?
The meds taker?
Or the baby?
Is it the grandma?
Bedridden.
Deteriorating.
Full of old.
The brown paper bag
With her meds.
Yet they don't help.
Her sighs and dreads.
Bag? It is more than that
Au Revoir!
I take off my hat.
I leave and I am gone.
That bag is more than bags.
It is a reminder.
Down it drags.
Suffocating the finder will find.
And the willbearer will deny
That she closed both her eyes.
It all started with do you remember
What do they behold?
It must be innocent?
The knowledge is worth gold?
It's mysterious lure
Sings to me.
Its hidden nature
Does not want to be seen.
Brown Paper Bag
You are a device.
To hide and conceal.
Someone's demise.
Death is not just for the dead.
It is to define a termination.
My heart turns to lead.
Who is next?
Is it the grog bearer?
Or the druggie?
The meds taker?
Or the baby?
Is it the grandma?
Bedridden.
Deteriorating.
Full of old.
The brown paper bag
With her meds.
Yet they don't help.
Her sighs and dreads.
Bag? It is more than that
Au Revoir!
I take off my hat.
I leave and I am gone.
That bag is more than bags.
It is a reminder.
Down it drags.
Suffocating the finder will find.
And the willbearer will deny
That she closed both her eyes.
It all started with do you remember
Sunday 4 November 2012
Beginners Luck
Or was it really Beginner's Luck.
When I was little I used to watch my dad make pancakes as I did with mum as she made scones. They really do complete each other those too.
Today my parents were out, as I was studying, but for breakfast I had a plan to attempt to make pancakes. I haven't seen dad do them in ages, but I wasn't apprehensive in a bit. I was quite excited. So my brother was watching me as I put in the ingredients. He is like do you know the recipe. I said not exactly. But I was just going off instinct, remembering how my dad did everything. To my happiness I got the right consistency...how did I know it was right? I didn't, I just had a feeling. Now to cook them...I thought they may not be fluffy, but I let them set for a while and fingers crossed, they actually turned out quite fluffy. I was so surprised that my unthought plan had worked. Now Psychologists would be lead to believe that I portrayed Latent learning. This is learning without the need of reinforcement, the skills and learnt information that has been observed or such is hidden until needed. I have never made pancakes, and I just went on instincts.
Now being a blogger I have to link everything to some philosophical point, or maybe it is because I am female teenager. Anyway, I think the key point is that you gotta leave things up to your instincts. Not enough people do it. They try to control everything, every little thing. I think people have to step back and believe in there ownselves. They don't give themselves the credit.
I have found that the most spontaneous of outings have lead to some of my greatest memories, challenging myself and allowing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. The most spontaneous recipes have lead to my parents wanting to know my recipe. Sure I could tell the ingredients but the measurements weren't calculated, it was based off my instinct. I think that is why my nonna's food is so great, she doesn't abide by the measurements, she does it based off her own knowledge, and her passion for food as does my dad. They both creatively express themselves through food, trusting in their own skills and knowledge of flavours and such.
I think I'm a more freeing person, a more instinctual. If something doesn't feel right in my gut its mostly because its the wrong thing. We were born instinctual. We are animals as much as many people like to forget. Bottom line is before all these rules, before society tried to control things, even before the bartering system, fixed action patterns or such knowledge that was predispositioned such as instinct in order to survive.
My psychology exam is tomorrow so after today there is no more distinct references :) Good Luck to me I guess! Also good luck to anyone else doing exams.
It all started with do you remember...
When I was little I used to watch my dad make pancakes as I did with mum as she made scones. They really do complete each other those too.
Today my parents were out, as I was studying, but for breakfast I had a plan to attempt to make pancakes. I haven't seen dad do them in ages, but I wasn't apprehensive in a bit. I was quite excited. So my brother was watching me as I put in the ingredients. He is like do you know the recipe. I said not exactly. But I was just going off instinct, remembering how my dad did everything. To my happiness I got the right consistency...how did I know it was right? I didn't, I just had a feeling. Now to cook them...I thought they may not be fluffy, but I let them set for a while and fingers crossed, they actually turned out quite fluffy. I was so surprised that my unthought plan had worked. Now Psychologists would be lead to believe that I portrayed Latent learning. This is learning without the need of reinforcement, the skills and learnt information that has been observed or such is hidden until needed. I have never made pancakes, and I just went on instincts.
Now being a blogger I have to link everything to some philosophical point, or maybe it is because I am female teenager. Anyway, I think the key point is that you gotta leave things up to your instincts. Not enough people do it. They try to control everything, every little thing. I think people have to step back and believe in there ownselves. They don't give themselves the credit.
I have found that the most spontaneous of outings have lead to some of my greatest memories, challenging myself and allowing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. The most spontaneous recipes have lead to my parents wanting to know my recipe. Sure I could tell the ingredients but the measurements weren't calculated, it was based off my instinct. I think that is why my nonna's food is so great, she doesn't abide by the measurements, she does it based off her own knowledge, and her passion for food as does my dad. They both creatively express themselves through food, trusting in their own skills and knowledge of flavours and such.
I think I'm a more freeing person, a more instinctual. If something doesn't feel right in my gut its mostly because its the wrong thing. We were born instinctual. We are animals as much as many people like to forget. Bottom line is before all these rules, before society tried to control things, even before the bartering system, fixed action patterns or such knowledge that was predispositioned such as instinct in order to survive.
My psychology exam is tomorrow so after today there is no more distinct references :) Good Luck to me I guess! Also good luck to anyone else doing exams.
It all started with do you remember...
Friday 2 November 2012
To be honest with y'all I have no idea who reads this blog, if they follow it or read every post, if so I am quite sorry for the inconsistency in posting, now that school is over I'm sure it will pick up again. I mean this is my second post today.
So I have been home alone a lot lately, my brother is at school and I'm revising for my upcoming exams. I love being home alone, gives me the independence I enjoy, also allows me to think a lot. To not have other voices in your head bar your own. This is quite good, unless you are in time in your life that you rather ignore your voice in your head for whatever reason.
Anyway today I realised something. Something that made me step back and go Oh! Yeah it's another Oh! moment. Probably by the end of this post y'all would think I regard myself highly or I'm into myself. This is not the case. I don't think I give myself enough credit or so I am told. This is why I am stooged by to many people. Being alone does something to you, it makes you realise that you can take care of yourself, you do not need to depend on anyone. It is a nice feeling. It also shows how many people truly care about you, whether they think about you, want to talk to you or not. I don't know if it is loneliness or naivete that I'm writing this, cause of course people care about me. Of course they do because they tell me. But is it the h truth? That is still the question on my mind. You say you miss me, you say you feel lonely when you don't see me, yet you don't call or text? At first I was bothered with this, but then I thought that is stupid, if they don't wanna talk then why should I care, save my breath for someone else. I think it was a shock because it was so confusing. People saying one thing and behaving in a totally different way, unless they are talking to more important people. I honestly don't need it. I think I should respect myself a little more!
I am always the person putting in the bloody effort to maintain friendships, if it weren't for me they wouldn't last as long. I would text first in the past, I would call, I would keep the conversation going. Because if I didn't I would've thought I didn't put enough effort in. But I realised I usually care more for the other person than they do for me. It is kinda funny. That I just realised this at the end of Year 12 where it depends on contact if you stay friends with your close buds. Will it be me making the first move? Well I have been, bar one, it was a complete surprise that they text me. It was nice. If this person knew who they were, they are a great guy and I appreciated the random conversation.
So yeah I have put in so much effort, I'll just have to see if those people do the same. If not, its a harsh reality but I can't be bothered anymore. I can't be bothered being the suck. Maybe I'm better without them. I don't entirely know. Right now I'm doing well. Shit has piled onto my life but I'm the one cleaning it up with no help so it says a lot about what I am capable of. I reckon this year I became a little too dependent than I usual. I used to be this strong, independent person. I think I'm gonna look into her again. I think it is time that she makes an appearance for good. It is easier, I know how to let her go a little to depend on someone sometimes because you need that companionship, and to depend is to trust. But she won't be pushed too far into non existence.
I'm realising the person I want to be again. It is refreshing. It is exciting.
Welcome back Nat!
It all started with do you remember...
So I have been home alone a lot lately, my brother is at school and I'm revising for my upcoming exams. I love being home alone, gives me the independence I enjoy, also allows me to think a lot. To not have other voices in your head bar your own. This is quite good, unless you are in time in your life that you rather ignore your voice in your head for whatever reason.
Anyway today I realised something. Something that made me step back and go Oh! Yeah it's another Oh! moment. Probably by the end of this post y'all would think I regard myself highly or I'm into myself. This is not the case. I don't think I give myself enough credit or so I am told. This is why I am stooged by to many people. Being alone does something to you, it makes you realise that you can take care of yourself, you do not need to depend on anyone. It is a nice feeling. It also shows how many people truly care about you, whether they think about you, want to talk to you or not. I don't know if it is loneliness or naivete that I'm writing this, cause of course people care about me. Of course they do because they tell me. But is it the h truth? That is still the question on my mind. You say you miss me, you say you feel lonely when you don't see me, yet you don't call or text? At first I was bothered with this, but then I thought that is stupid, if they don't wanna talk then why should I care, save my breath for someone else. I think it was a shock because it was so confusing. People saying one thing and behaving in a totally different way, unless they are talking to more important people. I honestly don't need it. I think I should respect myself a little more!
I am always the person putting in the bloody effort to maintain friendships, if it weren't for me they wouldn't last as long. I would text first in the past, I would call, I would keep the conversation going. Because if I didn't I would've thought I didn't put enough effort in. But I realised I usually care more for the other person than they do for me. It is kinda funny. That I just realised this at the end of Year 12 where it depends on contact if you stay friends with your close buds. Will it be me making the first move? Well I have been, bar one, it was a complete surprise that they text me. It was nice. If this person knew who they were, they are a great guy and I appreciated the random conversation.
So yeah I have put in so much effort, I'll just have to see if those people do the same. If not, its a harsh reality but I can't be bothered anymore. I can't be bothered being the suck. Maybe I'm better without them. I don't entirely know. Right now I'm doing well. Shit has piled onto my life but I'm the one cleaning it up with no help so it says a lot about what I am capable of. I reckon this year I became a little too dependent than I usual. I used to be this strong, independent person. I think I'm gonna look into her again. I think it is time that she makes an appearance for good. It is easier, I know how to let her go a little to depend on someone sometimes because you need that companionship, and to depend is to trust. But she won't be pushed too far into non existence.
I'm realising the person I want to be again. It is refreshing. It is exciting.
Welcome back Nat!
It all started with do you remember...
I guess all the year 12's are quite relieved as we all finished our English Exam yesterday. 3 hours and two essays, one language analysis later I was stuffed. So bloody tired it was unbelievable. Whose Reality has been a large subject in my late English curriculum so when something happens in my life, there is no surprise I find many connections to it.
If I hadn't done Psychology I would've had a vague, superficial knowledge of Sigmund Freud. Yet Psychology has taught me that all of my deeper conflicts within myself can be shown through my behaviour, thought processes and dreams. Anyone heard of Freudian slips? Yeah they are a bugger.
Why are they pushed down to ones subconscious Well it seems that many of us like to control many aspects of our lives, so when something doesn't go according to plan then one pushes it so far out of their consciousness that it remains or appears to remain hidden. These little techniques are called defence mechanisms and Freud was very passionate with utilising them in many of his theories, such as the Psychodynamic Theory. (Can you tell I'm revising for my Psychology Exam that is on Monday?)
Now I may be sounding a little like Freud himself, not really explaining what I'm trying to say in this post, is this a point to all of this? Well that depends on perspective!
So lately there have been a few social crisis' in my life. I have been putting them subconsciously out of my consciousness because I pretend to feel that they are unimportant to me; because there are larger, shittier things happening to other people right? So I should be appreciative and not complain. This has been my little philosophy lately, I guess it stemmed from my constant watching of Battle Scars by Guy Sebastian and Lupe. Love the song, and it is a metaphorical message clearly showing that everybody has scars, that determine their own person. Back on topic, so because of this philosophy my behaviour has changed due to my thought processes, I have become more withdrawn, silent concerned that I may complain. It's is irrational I know. Not yet a phobia because it isn't that excessive. Anyway, I may be pushing all this shit out of my brain, I may be denying it and masking it or whatnot but when I sleep, I have no control of the subjects that appear. I have been having reoccurring dreams lately. Not exactly the same flow or story but they all draw on the same meaning. It is basically me letting down my friends. Either abandoning them, lying to them. This latest one I couldn't stretch myself out enough to cater for all of them, so when one wanted me to hang out with them, then the others were abandoned. They get pissed and I feel guilty. Now, I'm not saying that I have trouble with sharing myself among friends. The most important part of these dreams is that I feel guilty. That I will hurt my friends and by this they will feel abandoned. Thus, I do not want it to get to this stage, and I won't let it because I used to be a great friend. One of the most loyal people and I am not ashamed to admit that.
Reoccuring dreams are trying to send someone a message about their deepest concerns in my case. To stop the pattern one must change. According to the CBT (cognitive behavioural treatment) that is used on many phobias and addictions. The cognitive part is to examine thought processes and display how this thinking is impacting on their behaviour. The behaviour component is ways to limit the unwanted behaviour. Change the way one thinks, you change the way they behave.
That is all...I hope you learned a few things hahaha. This actually better help me academically too!
And if you read this all, then here is a little video, that I am kinda obsessed with lately.
It all started with do you remember...
If I hadn't done Psychology I would've had a vague, superficial knowledge of Sigmund Freud. Yet Psychology has taught me that all of my deeper conflicts within myself can be shown through my behaviour, thought processes and dreams. Anyone heard of Freudian slips? Yeah they are a bugger.
Why are they pushed down to ones subconscious Well it seems that many of us like to control many aspects of our lives, so when something doesn't go according to plan then one pushes it so far out of their consciousness that it remains or appears to remain hidden. These little techniques are called defence mechanisms and Freud was very passionate with utilising them in many of his theories, such as the Psychodynamic Theory. (Can you tell I'm revising for my Psychology Exam that is on Monday?)
Now I may be sounding a little like Freud himself, not really explaining what I'm trying to say in this post, is this a point to all of this? Well that depends on perspective!
So lately there have been a few social crisis' in my life. I have been putting them subconsciously out of my consciousness because I pretend to feel that they are unimportant to me; because there are larger, shittier things happening to other people right? So I should be appreciative and not complain. This has been my little philosophy lately, I guess it stemmed from my constant watching of Battle Scars by Guy Sebastian and Lupe. Love the song, and it is a metaphorical message clearly showing that everybody has scars, that determine their own person. Back on topic, so because of this philosophy my behaviour has changed due to my thought processes, I have become more withdrawn, silent concerned that I may complain. It's is irrational I know. Not yet a phobia because it isn't that excessive. Anyway, I may be pushing all this shit out of my brain, I may be denying it and masking it or whatnot but when I sleep, I have no control of the subjects that appear. I have been having reoccurring dreams lately. Not exactly the same flow or story but they all draw on the same meaning. It is basically me letting down my friends. Either abandoning them, lying to them. This latest one I couldn't stretch myself out enough to cater for all of them, so when one wanted me to hang out with them, then the others were abandoned. They get pissed and I feel guilty. Now, I'm not saying that I have trouble with sharing myself among friends. The most important part of these dreams is that I feel guilty. That I will hurt my friends and by this they will feel abandoned. Thus, I do not want it to get to this stage, and I won't let it because I used to be a great friend. One of the most loyal people and I am not ashamed to admit that.
Reoccuring dreams are trying to send someone a message about their deepest concerns in my case. To stop the pattern one must change. According to the CBT (cognitive behavioural treatment) that is used on many phobias and addictions. The cognitive part is to examine thought processes and display how this thinking is impacting on their behaviour. The behaviour component is ways to limit the unwanted behaviour. Change the way one thinks, you change the way they behave.
That is all...I hope you learned a few things hahaha. This actually better help me academically too!
And if you read this all, then here is a little video, that I am kinda obsessed with lately.
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 31 October 2012
It's okay
That sweet sound that resurfaces some dusty nostalgia is what truly tells me that Summer is here. The ice-cream truck.
Sure, the days were getting intensely hotter, i was having a couple of uncomfortable sleeps, though waking up refreshed, i wore boxers instead of pants, and the talk of going to the beach was coming from so many people's mouths. I'm not sure if it was the exams rock I was living under, but it wasn't until a couple of minutes ago that Summer had sunk in. That sweet scent of Summer's air equating to summer drives with no destination, relaxing holidays and catching up with all my friends seems closer than expected.
Exams are closer than expected. Tomorrow I have my English. I am a little apprehensive on that. But how it goes. It goes. This afternoon I have put my head down and tried to study hard. Lately i haven't felt that motivated. But that is okay because the sooner I realised that, the sooner I could do something about it.
It is quite surprising that my dependence on facebook has diminished. I don't feel the need to know everyone's problems, everyone's complaints, because naturally that is all people usually do on Facebook.
This comes to another oh so random point that crossed my mind. People say that people with a blog are part of the narcissistic population. I think different. Sure, I rant on here, I have vented on here. But most of all I like to think I can give people different perspective, a new insight into the worlds smallest of things, to get inspired to creatively express themselves.
A lot of this stuff is quite dark at times, and I don't regret telling you guys cryptically or not so cryptically depending on how many of you guys think you know how to read me.
Yes another post that may be seen as pointless, but to me it is not. I've quit with the apologising for natural things I do. I've quit complaining. And I've quit dwelling on the things I don't quite understand, because that is alright.
It all started with do you remember...
Sure, the days were getting intensely hotter, i was having a couple of uncomfortable sleeps, though waking up refreshed, i wore boxers instead of pants, and the talk of going to the beach was coming from so many people's mouths. I'm not sure if it was the exams rock I was living under, but it wasn't until a couple of minutes ago that Summer had sunk in. That sweet scent of Summer's air equating to summer drives with no destination, relaxing holidays and catching up with all my friends seems closer than expected.
Exams are closer than expected. Tomorrow I have my English. I am a little apprehensive on that. But how it goes. It goes. This afternoon I have put my head down and tried to study hard. Lately i haven't felt that motivated. But that is okay because the sooner I realised that, the sooner I could do something about it.
It is quite surprising that my dependence on facebook has diminished. I don't feel the need to know everyone's problems, everyone's complaints, because naturally that is all people usually do on Facebook.
This comes to another oh so random point that crossed my mind. People say that people with a blog are part of the narcissistic population. I think different. Sure, I rant on here, I have vented on here. But most of all I like to think I can give people different perspective, a new insight into the worlds smallest of things, to get inspired to creatively express themselves.
A lot of this stuff is quite dark at times, and I don't regret telling you guys cryptically or not so cryptically depending on how many of you guys think you know how to read me.
Yes another post that may be seen as pointless, but to me it is not. I've quit with the apologising for natural things I do. I've quit complaining. And I've quit dwelling on the things I don't quite understand, because that is alright.
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 28 October 2012
The thing about drunks
Now this post may be very bias, as everybody is different. A friend of mine said last night that some people aren't in control when they are drunk and others are.
Last night I was drunk, the reasons why I let myself get to this state were personal ones and it all came down to putting those little niggling boxes away and just having fun. Having a blast.
I walked in with my wine bottle (yes I'm all class :p) and yes I drank it all. I didn't feel the effects until it equated to the fifth standard drink. For me, for a little girl, I think I did well. My experience was things, movements went a little faster than usual, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sick, my balance was horrible though when I'm sober it is horrible also and I felt free, just bloody carefree.
Not many people are used to me in this state.
I got told that 'I looked awful'
'I looked like someone had just raped me' (these are all quotes)
' I was in a funny state' etc.
There were some things that actually offended me. As they were being hypocrites, never once did I say that they looked like a little weak girl when they were in my position.
The thing is I knew what was going on, I wasn't blinded, I was in control of my words and thoughts. Just less inhibited. I was quite mentally in control. But the fact people were talking to me like I was some baby or mentally unaware person downright offended me. I didn't show this at the time, I just walked off. It got annoying that is for sure. I remember everything for GODS SAKES.
Thank goodness one of my other friends knew exactly what I was on about and they empathised with me. The next person who said maybe you should do blah blah blah...I was seriously going to punch them. Seriously.
One thing I hated was that people worried about me. This is the second time I am aware that people do worry when I'm in such a state. And the way they said 'Don't make me worry like that again' that was the point when i felt most like a child being reprimanded by their mother. It made me feel shit. I appreciate that people look out for me as it is usually the other way round but I'd hate to worry someone.
I know a few friends, if they read this they will be like Nataleigh shut up and have a good time, don't make a scene, don't make this bigger than it really is blah blah blah. Well people the next time you are me, then come back and say all that again.
But do I regret anything? No. I woke up with a huge grin on my face because I was free and I had fun.
That is all.
It all started with do you remember...
Last night I was drunk, the reasons why I let myself get to this state were personal ones and it all came down to putting those little niggling boxes away and just having fun. Having a blast.
I walked in with my wine bottle (yes I'm all class :p) and yes I drank it all. I didn't feel the effects until it equated to the fifth standard drink. For me, for a little girl, I think I did well. My experience was things, movements went a little faster than usual, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sick, my balance was horrible though when I'm sober it is horrible also and I felt free, just bloody carefree.
Not many people are used to me in this state.
I got told that 'I looked awful'
'I looked like someone had just raped me' (these are all quotes)
' I was in a funny state' etc.
There were some things that actually offended me. As they were being hypocrites, never once did I say that they looked like a little weak girl when they were in my position.
The thing is I knew what was going on, I wasn't blinded, I was in control of my words and thoughts. Just less inhibited. I was quite mentally in control. But the fact people were talking to me like I was some baby or mentally unaware person downright offended me. I didn't show this at the time, I just walked off. It got annoying that is for sure. I remember everything for GODS SAKES.
Thank goodness one of my other friends knew exactly what I was on about and they empathised with me. The next person who said maybe you should do blah blah blah...I was seriously going to punch them. Seriously.
One thing I hated was that people worried about me. This is the second time I am aware that people do worry when I'm in such a state. And the way they said 'Don't make me worry like that again' that was the point when i felt most like a child being reprimanded by their mother. It made me feel shit. I appreciate that people look out for me as it is usually the other way round but I'd hate to worry someone.
I know a few friends, if they read this they will be like Nataleigh shut up and have a good time, don't make a scene, don't make this bigger than it really is blah blah blah. Well people the next time you are me, then come back and say all that again.
But do I regret anything? No. I woke up with a huge grin on my face because I was free and I had fun.
That is all.
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 14 October 2012
I'm not perfect. I'm not this person who can be everything you want. I am just a person. Just a human. But the difference between me and another, is that I try...not perfection but to be a good person without any exception to 'I'm only human'.
If we all want to be good people, commit to that then we can. It's just a matter of will power, self control and moreso how much you truly care. If one out of these three are not evident, its not your fault. You're only human...right? Wrong! You don't give up. You get up every time that person knocks you back down, you get right back up, each time is harder but each time shows how much you care.
I am biologically and physically human but I like to think my set of values and principles are stronger and sustainable. They are not these flexible guidelines. Because that is an excuse to cut any responsibility out of your life.
I only genuinely care for a handful of people. It's a harsh reality but it is the truth. If they are hurt, lost and confused then I am there quick-smart, ready to help pick up the pieces. Two pairs of hands are better than one. I'm the listener, the advice giver and just the person to sit with them for the company until they feel whole again. Until they are alright. People can rely on me and I know I can rely on those same people, I try not too because I've been hurt way too many times to count. But so has everyone else it seems.
Though what if roles are reversed.
What if I were the one to hurt one of those very dear people to me?
Once its done its done. You can't go back in time. I wish I could though.
What if it was your strongest point that became your tragedy.
I have prized myself on having an abundance of self control and will power, basically nothing can get through. Yet after the batterings I've had in recent times, it slowly crumbles allowing for vulnerability to expose itself, allowing me to become weaker. I don't want to excuse myself. Because this person doesn't deserve something that would act like an excuse.
As much as I was scared I still told them the truth, its better than hiding it. They deserve the truth. I know I would want it.
I really don't know what the point of this post was. Just a couple of things on my mind and because that person and I aren't on a steady page, I can't go to them to talk things out. I can't tell them about the shit day I've had. Yet i have to become the person I was....sometimes I think that's better. It was safer.
I don't know.
It all started with do you remember...(cause I sure do)
If we all want to be good people, commit to that then we can. It's just a matter of will power, self control and moreso how much you truly care. If one out of these three are not evident, its not your fault. You're only human...right? Wrong! You don't give up. You get up every time that person knocks you back down, you get right back up, each time is harder but each time shows how much you care.
I am biologically and physically human but I like to think my set of values and principles are stronger and sustainable. They are not these flexible guidelines. Because that is an excuse to cut any responsibility out of your life.
I only genuinely care for a handful of people. It's a harsh reality but it is the truth. If they are hurt, lost and confused then I am there quick-smart, ready to help pick up the pieces. Two pairs of hands are better than one. I'm the listener, the advice giver and just the person to sit with them for the company until they feel whole again. Until they are alright. People can rely on me and I know I can rely on those same people, I try not too because I've been hurt way too many times to count. But so has everyone else it seems.
Though what if roles are reversed.
What if I were the one to hurt one of those very dear people to me?
Once its done its done. You can't go back in time. I wish I could though.
What if it was your strongest point that became your tragedy.
I have prized myself on having an abundance of self control and will power, basically nothing can get through. Yet after the batterings I've had in recent times, it slowly crumbles allowing for vulnerability to expose itself, allowing me to become weaker. I don't want to excuse myself. Because this person doesn't deserve something that would act like an excuse.
As much as I was scared I still told them the truth, its better than hiding it. They deserve the truth. I know I would want it.
I really don't know what the point of this post was. Just a couple of things on my mind and because that person and I aren't on a steady page, I can't go to them to talk things out. I can't tell them about the shit day I've had. Yet i have to become the person I was....sometimes I think that's better. It was safer.
I don't know.
It all started with do you remember...(cause I sure do)
Monday 8 October 2012
That Moment
Somebody's boring is another's memorable.I have been thinking lately, when don't I think, but recently it came up in a conversation quite randomly that it is those moments that you are sitting with a person in complete silence and doing absolutely nothing that makes it memorable or special. It is only when you can sit in silence without feeling awkward is when you know that that person is a true friend.
To some, this may seem utterly boring, they'd rather watch paint dry. But it is in these moments we just appreciate somebody's company. No talking required, its just a matter of someone being there.
Everybody, even though they don't explicitly admit it, needs somebody there. Its that warm blanket of comfort that is priceless.
I'm not sure if I'm doing this post justice, it sounded a lot better in my head to be frank.
I guess its the simple things in life that many overlook are the ones that we keep in our hearts the longest. Yet so many due to their busy schedules don't take time to look, to breathe and appreciate the moment. Because its just a snap of the fingers and the moment is over. Well and truly over and even if you try to replicate it, you can never regain that singular moment. That moment was natural, it was raw, it was true. Replication may look like the moment but it won't feel like it. And you know when it feels right.
The moments I may go to a particular park and a smell reminds me of a moment, it may have just been me and my brother kicking a ball around but its a moment that I won't forget. Or the moments when my brother and I played cards with my dad. It is crystal clear, but it is these moments I wish to relive.
People want a movie experience to call their life. My advice is you don't need that Hollywood Magic, look around you because all the magic is right in front of you. You just have to want it enough, be ready to appreciate it to see it.
As they say open your eyes and smell the roses.
It all started with do you remember...
I scream but no one hears me
Silence is our loudest cry
Silent rivers run deep
But they never warned
that silent rivers ran dry.
Silent rivers run deep
But they never warned
that silent rivers ran dry.
Tuesday 4 September 2012
The Calm
So I have this captain you see,
I am therefore the quartermaster
Would you believe?
Me second in line.
Captain is older I guess.
And truly I am fine :)
I'll take the order
Because it isn't long now
I can clearly see the border
That green lush freedom
Fresh air and sun
And most of all no constriction.
We have meandered
Past the tempting merfolk
Who hook when I have ventered.
They sing a sweet song
Smells of lavender and the Calm
Just have to remember it is not long.
A few yards out of their clutch
They have a deep ulterior motive
and their promises don't mean much
Past the sharks
Ahoy Ahoy
I sing like a new lark.
Up in the sky
The blue, the Calm
Soaring so high
Above it all
Soon enough I will find
After this huge fall
I will climb
And uncover what was deep inside
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 12 August 2012
I bloody well CARE
Dear Dearest,
You know who you are.
Or do you?
Do you actually know...you say you know more.
But this, this you will deny for another thousand years.
I can say it, I can sing it, I can whisper it from the rawness of my heart.
But you will not know.
You will deny. You will argue. Why? Why? Why?
Does it really matter why?
I'm not sure if it is loss of self worth or
That you are truly oblivious at the kind of person you are.
Though you can calm the seas
You can produce storms of power.
Power that overcomes me with the type of anger I never knew I could have.
It doesn't happen with many people. But now it sure has happened.
It has happened alright.
I am so so angry I could punch you and actually knock you out.
Whoa Whoa there Sonny Jim stop proclaiming how wrong I am but stop. Listen. And Think.
Stop proclaiming.
Listen to the frustration in my voice.
And think...think why I may be like this.
I am so angry at you, so very VERY angry.
But it is the type of anger that occurs when you care so much that every other emotion doesn't have enough power to reveal itself.
I care so bloody much to one point I believed I should care no more.
But dear, I was wrong.
I don't worry. But I hurt. It pains me to see you like this.
It pains me that I can see but can't do.
Maybe if i backed off...but NO. It made things worse.
It made things change.
Stuff is Weird.
It sure is kid. You don't say, you hide. You back away, back back into that hole. Like a mouse, not even cheese can tempt.
I believed if I let go, you'd sound eventually.
But I believe that made the abyss swallowing you seem that much more darker...and yes scarier.
I could be totally wrong here.
I thought I knew you...kind of. But I had kept trying to get to know you, however hard that may have been, to the point I believed our friendship was gold.
Then things slipped. Time ticked. I felt YOU WERE GONE.
Days past, angrier and angrier, blacker and blacker.
But I realised. This will not help.
I care and that is all you need to know
I will always ask how you are....even if you say you are fine.
I will always say talk to me...even if you tell me to not worry.
I will always say aww whats wrong...even if I know you will not tell me. (though once upon a time you did)
I will always stand by your side...even if you try to walk away.
And when you slip...I will catch you.
And when that quicksand is up to your neck...I will be your rope.
You won't care for this message, you won't grab hold, you won't let me walk beside you...though you make sure you do for me.
But you can scream. You can speak abuse to me. You can fight me.
I will be there.
Don't ever doubt it. (You just did)
You once promised me something, you have broken it. But I'll still be there.
I'll be there to sing, to shine and to just. be. there.
Until you say.
Go Away.
I will hesitate...of course I will, to just be broken with two little words. But if you don't want your friend anymore, I will go. Because you told me too. Because I care.
Because I bloody well care.
It all started with do you remember...
Or do you?
Do you actually know...you say you know more.
But this, this you will deny for another thousand years.
I can say it, I can sing it, I can whisper it from the rawness of my heart.
But you will not know.
You will deny. You will argue. Why? Why? Why?
Does it really matter why?
I'm not sure if it is loss of self worth or
That you are truly oblivious at the kind of person you are.
Though you can calm the seas
You can produce storms of power.
Power that overcomes me with the type of anger I never knew I could have.
It doesn't happen with many people. But now it sure has happened.
It has happened alright.
I am so so angry I could punch you and actually knock you out.
Whoa Whoa there Sonny Jim stop proclaiming how wrong I am but stop. Listen. And Think.
Stop proclaiming.
Listen to the frustration in my voice.
And think...think why I may be like this.
I am so angry at you, so very VERY angry.
But it is the type of anger that occurs when you care so much that every other emotion doesn't have enough power to reveal itself.
I care so bloody much to one point I believed I should care no more.
But dear, I was wrong.
I don't worry. But I hurt. It pains me to see you like this.
It pains me that I can see but can't do.
Maybe if i backed off...but NO. It made things worse.
It made things change.
Stuff is Weird.
It sure is kid. You don't say, you hide. You back away, back back into that hole. Like a mouse, not even cheese can tempt.
I believed if I let go, you'd sound eventually.
But I believe that made the abyss swallowing you seem that much more darker...and yes scarier.
I could be totally wrong here.
I thought I knew you...kind of. But I had kept trying to get to know you, however hard that may have been, to the point I believed our friendship was gold.
Then things slipped. Time ticked. I felt YOU WERE GONE.
Days past, angrier and angrier, blacker and blacker.
But I realised. This will not help.
I care and that is all you need to know
I will always ask how you are....even if you say you are fine.
I will always say talk to me...even if you tell me to not worry.
I will always say aww whats wrong...even if I know you will not tell me. (though once upon a time you did)
I will always stand by your side...even if you try to walk away.
And when you slip...I will catch you.
And when that quicksand is up to your neck...I will be your rope.
You won't care for this message, you won't grab hold, you won't let me walk beside you...though you make sure you do for me.
But you can scream. You can speak abuse to me. You can fight me.
I will be there.
Don't ever doubt it. (You just did)
You once promised me something, you have broken it. But I'll still be there.
I'll be there to sing, to shine and to just. be. there.
Until you say.
Go Away.
I will hesitate...of course I will, to just be broken with two little words. But if you don't want your friend anymore, I will go. Because you told me too. Because I care.
Because I bloody well care.
It all started with do you remember...
Friday 3 August 2012
Stuff.Is.Weird.
Stuff. Is. Weird. Three Little Words. 1000 Mile Gaze. It all sinks in.
You my friend could not have said it any better. It may be informal, not the best use of vocabulary but that is all that was needed to be said. There is nothing clear than those Three Little Words. Why didn't I respond with 'It sure is kid' instead I pressed. Never press. Maybe I should've said 'Yeah I know the feeling' and then conversation would've sprouted instead of this long drawn out silence. Because Stuff. Is. Weird. I don't know what this person was referring too but for me its all these ties. This ball of yarn is loosening and I can physically see it and feel it. I feel like that I'm surrounded by people but yet isolated at the same time. Because Stuff. Is. Weird.
Things have changed. 'Things always change...yeah they may but I don't have to like it'. Things can change in the smallest of ways, a night out, a chill sesh or even in a phone call. It happens, sure it does but though I try to hide the fact that it I have to not care for these things it still hurts to see it.
Stuff. Is. Weird.
That it feels like when you admit to the most dangerous things that that is when they run away. It's that running away where you can just see they are never coming back because they don't look back once but keep on running. The back of their heads just disappearing through the fog. I was content where things were at last term, this term not so much. People slipping away, and I don't want to tighten my grip in case they slip away faster. These people I thought would be my 'best mate'...s for a long time, that would come to my wedding and sing the bride and groom's favorite song.
All I wanna know is where did it go? How did it change so quickly? Why did it have to change at all?
I was content...more than content. Now........................................eh. I tried to appreciate every day, I did appreciate every day to the point where I paused during moments and savoured the laughter and smiles...the deep conversations that seem to be non existent now. I don't know what I have done wrong, but for whatever it is...I'm sorry. There are days when I just want to be a massive smartass because the compassion and care and...hurt are just too much and I don't want to show. I definitely don't want to show them if that is gonna make people stop talking to me about their life because I am somewhat vulnerable and 'can't handle it'.
Anyway that's all I want to say now...I reckon that was even a little too much but I'm at a point right now that I don't have one single person in my life that I'd feel like I want to tell. I have come to a point of no care about ranting on the internet. There are no names in this and the people that this does concern wouldn't even have me in the back of their mind to care. Not anymore anyway.
It all started with do you remember...
You my friend could not have said it any better. It may be informal, not the best use of vocabulary but that is all that was needed to be said. There is nothing clear than those Three Little Words. Why didn't I respond with 'It sure is kid' instead I pressed. Never press. Maybe I should've said 'Yeah I know the feeling' and then conversation would've sprouted instead of this long drawn out silence. Because Stuff. Is. Weird. I don't know what this person was referring too but for me its all these ties. This ball of yarn is loosening and I can physically see it and feel it. I feel like that I'm surrounded by people but yet isolated at the same time. Because Stuff. Is. Weird.
Things have changed. 'Things always change...yeah they may but I don't have to like it'. Things can change in the smallest of ways, a night out, a chill sesh or even in a phone call. It happens, sure it does but though I try to hide the fact that it I have to not care for these things it still hurts to see it.
Stuff. Is. Weird.That it feels like when you admit to the most dangerous things that that is when they run away. It's that running away where you can just see they are never coming back because they don't look back once but keep on running. The back of their heads just disappearing through the fog. I was content where things were at last term, this term not so much. People slipping away, and I don't want to tighten my grip in case they slip away faster. These people I thought would be my 'best mate'...s for a long time, that would come to my wedding and sing the bride and groom's favorite song.
All I wanna know is where did it go? How did it change so quickly? Why did it have to change at all?
I was content...more than content. Now........................................eh. I tried to appreciate every day, I did appreciate every day to the point where I paused during moments and savoured the laughter and smiles...the deep conversations that seem to be non existent now. I don't know what I have done wrong, but for whatever it is...I'm sorry. There are days when I just want to be a massive smartass because the compassion and care and...hurt are just too much and I don't want to show. I definitely don't want to show them if that is gonna make people stop talking to me about their life because I am somewhat vulnerable and 'can't handle it'.
Anyway that's all I want to say now...I reckon that was even a little too much but I'm at a point right now that I don't have one single person in my life that I'd feel like I want to tell. I have come to a point of no care about ranting on the internet. There are no names in this and the people that this does concern wouldn't even have me in the back of their mind to care. Not anymore anyway.
It all started with do you remember...
Friday 27 July 2012
Entry 4
Ahoy Me Harrrrties
Where shall I begin. We were on clear crystal waters not long ago, the sky was blue and as sturdy as my wooden peg. The lads were getting lazy again, sunbaking but that was okay, because they were all in check. Then out of no where Emotions up on the callers post cried 'Hail Hail...Cyclone Ahead'. The ship and all me mates were flung wildly without much notice, mostly not understanding what was going on. Panic rushed, we had one of these last year. Blood rushed, I hope its not annual. Fear sank and so did the anchor. Down Down Down. Down to the depths of the deep blue sea. That is our No Man's Land.
But shhh. Can you hear? Look to quick and you may think its over but by Jove! It is just the eye of the storm. The calm, the deceit...the opening of vulnerability for some foreign pirates to take over and so they did!. We were anchored, no where to move or run and a part of the crew did not want to be the one to move that anchor, it may just be a little comfortable, staying in the same deep way.
Foreigners jumped the already wrecked ship. The foreigner Fatigue took Motivation and Care. They were going off to travel to the land of Numb. Yet on the ship, we were flabberghasted, shocked. How could it have happened all over again? Emotion was out of his wits! It has been years since he had added to the salty water of the deep blue.
I guess that is what happens when you don't hassle your crew! You don't keep on your toes!...or Peg.
It will be a long and strenuous time rebuilding, all of the splinters and waterlogged areas. Buffering and Polishing. Making it good as new, stronger for the next time...hopefully there is no next time. In the mean time we are on the voyage to the land of Numb to retrieve Motivation and Care back in our arms.
'Hail Hail...Ship Ahoy Ship Ahoy'...what will we make of this? Another ship?
It all started with do you remember
Where shall I begin. We were on clear crystal waters not long ago, the sky was blue and as sturdy as my wooden peg. The lads were getting lazy again, sunbaking but that was okay, because they were all in check. Then out of no where Emotions up on the callers post cried 'Hail Hail...Cyclone Ahead'. The ship and all me mates were flung wildly without much notice, mostly not understanding what was going on. Panic rushed, we had one of these last year. Blood rushed, I hope its not annual. Fear sank and so did the anchor. Down Down Down. Down to the depths of the deep blue sea. That is our No Man's Land.
But shhh. Can you hear? Look to quick and you may think its over but by Jove! It is just the eye of the storm. The calm, the deceit...the opening of vulnerability for some foreign pirates to take over and so they did!. We were anchored, no where to move or run and a part of the crew did not want to be the one to move that anchor, it may just be a little comfortable, staying in the same deep way.
Foreigners jumped the already wrecked ship. The foreigner Fatigue took Motivation and Care. They were going off to travel to the land of Numb. Yet on the ship, we were flabberghasted, shocked. How could it have happened all over again? Emotion was out of his wits! It has been years since he had added to the salty water of the deep blue.
I guess that is what happens when you don't hassle your crew! You don't keep on your toes!...or Peg.
It will be a long and strenuous time rebuilding, all of the splinters and waterlogged areas. Buffering and Polishing. Making it good as new, stronger for the next time...hopefully there is no next time. In the mean time we are on the voyage to the land of Numb to retrieve Motivation and Care back in our arms.
'Hail Hail...Ship Ahoy Ship Ahoy'...what will we make of this? Another ship?
It all started with do you remember
Sunday 15 July 2012
Wednesday 4 July 2012
Whose line is it anyway?
Lines...we all use them. We'd be lying if we said we didn't. But what makes them alright and not would be what we are trying to infer by saying them.
We use them to save our ass when we are in a tricky situation, the last time somebody asks you something and you just want to get out of the situation without hurting their feelings...you use a line. We use them to make somebody feel better...many of us claim that we are honest but when it comes to the crunch could you really look in someones eyes and tell them something that may very well crush them inside and obliterate all hope. You say 'It will get better'...'Just have faith'...'It is alright'...'It will sort itself out'. Anyone done that? Of course you have. We do it because we care, because deep down we don't want to be the one that brings down the black curtain over their eyes, the one that makes them cry because selfishly that doesn't feel good.
We use lines to make somebody's day, to just see a smile on their dile and to know that you were the purpose, the one to make that happen. It may not be entirely true but to make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.
Sure these may all be a little selfish for us, to make us feel like good people..but is it the right thing to do? Depending who you ask....if you ask those who use lines to manipulate people to give them what they want and desire, who are focused on one thing, to make that person feel so special when in reality it is the fifth time they have said it to another female then the above is nothing to them. If you use lines to make someone feel better and only use those sort of lines then you may feel it is not right at all, sure at the time it seems like a good idea, but is it such a good idea when they find out the truth...that the person they trusted the most to get the truth out of lied to them...it is a lie. Maybe its what you call a white lie but a lie all the same.
I mean now I think about it...how many lines have been used on me...and what were they for...?
We will never know.
The only people you hope that do not use lines on you are your closest friends or best friend, whichever you prefer...Because to be frank that would just suck. Those are the people you trust to be honest with you no matter what, yet they tell you 'Nataleigh it was a line' when talking about someone else....if it so easy for them to do that...how could I trust I don't get the same treatment. Yet it goes back to trust....and if you've been a follower of my blog, you can tell i have issues with that concept and that only recently I have been able to trust a certain few, enough to tell them my secrets, to let them know on what i think of them or the world...but I have my days where i trust them and days where I don't...or lack that trust. I don't know if other people feel the same. It just depends on what has happened during the day or my mood, which for you people that don't know me can be temperamental at times.
Sooooo...whats in a best friend...?
I guess if you find the right person it could be good...if you find someone that is not clingy it could be marvellous, someone you could share most of your secrets to, act foolish around, and insult without feeling shame or guilt because they know that at the end of the day they will have my back as I would have theirs...when I care about someone, I care about them and not much can change that. Loyalty lies deep within me so my best friend would have to be pretty loyal, yet if I were in the wrong, tell me I'm in the wrong even if I don't want to hear it. My best friend would need to not be shy of phone calls, texting is so difficult and tiresome sometimes. A good phone call is always good. You may not be talking the whole day like texting, but a couple of hours of actual laughter rather than 'lmao, lol, and hahahaha' makes you feel better as it is genuine and not just used as a fill in. My best friend would definitely need to know when I'm being sarcastic and genuine...usually im sarcastic a lot, and if they get annoyed at that, well too bad for them. Its my thing, I adopted it a few years ago and its stuck...and they can't take it personally. Because thats just stupid. and Trust. I don't even know how I got talking about this...in the past I had a couple of best friends...but went on to be a lone ranger, its just way easier...now I have no idea if I'm floating and have close friends or what...but if I do have a rather closer friend Id rather not label it, there is no need for that superficiality. I'd rather it go unsaid. I've never really needed a best friend...well thats what I think, others see differently...but I guess it would be nice for a change. I wouldn't know. I'm just rambling now.
It all started with do you remember...
We use them to save our ass when we are in a tricky situation, the last time somebody asks you something and you just want to get out of the situation without hurting their feelings...you use a line. We use them to make somebody feel better...many of us claim that we are honest but when it comes to the crunch could you really look in someones eyes and tell them something that may very well crush them inside and obliterate all hope. You say 'It will get better'...'Just have faith'...'It is alright'...'It will sort itself out'. Anyone done that? Of course you have. We do it because we care, because deep down we don't want to be the one that brings down the black curtain over their eyes, the one that makes them cry because selfishly that doesn't feel good.
We use lines to make somebody's day, to just see a smile on their dile and to know that you were the purpose, the one to make that happen. It may not be entirely true but to make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.
Sure these may all be a little selfish for us, to make us feel like good people..but is it the right thing to do? Depending who you ask....if you ask those who use lines to manipulate people to give them what they want and desire, who are focused on one thing, to make that person feel so special when in reality it is the fifth time they have said it to another female then the above is nothing to them. If you use lines to make someone feel better and only use those sort of lines then you may feel it is not right at all, sure at the time it seems like a good idea, but is it such a good idea when they find out the truth...that the person they trusted the most to get the truth out of lied to them...it is a lie. Maybe its what you call a white lie but a lie all the same.
I mean now I think about it...how many lines have been used on me...and what were they for...?
We will never know.
The only people you hope that do not use lines on you are your closest friends or best friend, whichever you prefer...Because to be frank that would just suck. Those are the people you trust to be honest with you no matter what, yet they tell you 'Nataleigh it was a line' when talking about someone else....if it so easy for them to do that...how could I trust I don't get the same treatment. Yet it goes back to trust....and if you've been a follower of my blog, you can tell i have issues with that concept and that only recently I have been able to trust a certain few, enough to tell them my secrets, to let them know on what i think of them or the world...but I have my days where i trust them and days where I don't...or lack that trust. I don't know if other people feel the same. It just depends on what has happened during the day or my mood, which for you people that don't know me can be temperamental at times.
Sooooo...whats in a best friend...?
I guess if you find the right person it could be good...if you find someone that is not clingy it could be marvellous, someone you could share most of your secrets to, act foolish around, and insult without feeling shame or guilt because they know that at the end of the day they will have my back as I would have theirs...when I care about someone, I care about them and not much can change that. Loyalty lies deep within me so my best friend would have to be pretty loyal, yet if I were in the wrong, tell me I'm in the wrong even if I don't want to hear it. My best friend would need to not be shy of phone calls, texting is so difficult and tiresome sometimes. A good phone call is always good. You may not be talking the whole day like texting, but a couple of hours of actual laughter rather than 'lmao, lol, and hahahaha' makes you feel better as it is genuine and not just used as a fill in. My best friend would definitely need to know when I'm being sarcastic and genuine...usually im sarcastic a lot, and if they get annoyed at that, well too bad for them. Its my thing, I adopted it a few years ago and its stuck...and they can't take it personally. Because thats just stupid. and Trust. I don't even know how I got talking about this...in the past I had a couple of best friends...but went on to be a lone ranger, its just way easier...now I have no idea if I'm floating and have close friends or what...but if I do have a rather closer friend Id rather not label it, there is no need for that superficiality. I'd rather it go unsaid. I've never really needed a best friend...well thats what I think, others see differently...but I guess it would be nice for a change. I wouldn't know. I'm just rambling now.
It all started with do you remember...
Tuesday 26 June 2012
Who'd have known?
Yeahhh I just turned 18 guyyyys. Woopty Doo!...Jokes I was actually quite excited. And at one point during the night my aunty asks me 'Do you feel any different? Have you changed?'I looked at her like she had grown two heads and scoffed at the idea of changing in the space of a day. I said I feel the same as I've always been. I am the same person I've always been. Little did I know though I had changed. Quite a lot too.
It was this blog actually, it had triggered my memory of who I used to be at the age of 17. The reason I made this blog was initially to trigger others memories and reminisce of the good old days, bringing up moralistic issues that many would face and try to give my understanding on certain topics.
But recently it has been a cry of dark emotions, blurted out in a pretty form...to be honest its pathetic. I know it. You know it. It has gotta stop.
When I was looking through some of the older posts and what I was writing down I was thinking about how mature I sounded, how sure I was of myself, how this blog was being used for the audience and not selfishly for me. Because whatever I write on here must be realised that it will be read by different people.
Now that I am older I actually should stop the 'I'm an adult card' though i don't ever actually do that...just for purposes of this post and take a leaf out of my 17 year old self. I should be more positive and I should use this blog for better purposes than I have been. Accounting the good things that happen rather than moping the bad...in reality moping gets you nowhere.
Sure I can't just say I should be my 17 year old self totally because if it wasn't for the experiences I have been through, found the friends that I know can actually withhold a friendship for more than 6 months and grown from all of that, I wouldn't be a person that many people are proud of today.
We all change and though we never saw it and thought 'I am the same as last year' we really are not. It has been a slow, gradual change, every time you make a decision is a time when you are changing.
Change is to allow us to progress, to move forward...without this progression we'd stay the same, not learn anything from past consequences, good and bad, but just replay over and over and over again...that is pretty boring.
So yes I have changed. I have changed a lot since I started this blog which was around the same time this year. And I am glad I have.
It all started with do you remember...
Friday 22 June 2012
They should be knighted
Push. Out.
No movement. No Budge.
Keep pushing
Even with a rough nudge.
No movement. No Budge.
Keep pushing
Even with a rough nudge.
A jab here,
A punch there.
I try so hard
Yet they don't move anywhere.
A punch there.
I try so hard
Yet they don't move anywhere.
Their roots so thick
Their bark so sweet
What is with them.
This must be deceit.
Their bark so sweet
What is with them.
This must be deceit.
It can't be true.
An illusion? A delusion?
One eye open
But they have chosen;
An illusion? A delusion?
One eye open
But they have chosen;
To stay.
To Guard.
To keep peace
To protect the scarred.
To Guard.
To keep peace
To protect the scarred.
Cold shivers seep through
Iron and Metal
Its much too fast
Much too soon.
Iron and Metal
Its much too fast
Much too soon.
It spreads like a disease
Black overwhelms
Darkness appears
Yet there is a cloud...
Black overwhelms
Darkness appears
Yet there is a cloud...
A break. A ray
Really? Could it be?
This saving...
It was done just for me?
Really? Could it be?
This saving...
It was done just for me?
No Trust
Heart Fight.
I close my eyes
With all my might
Heart Fight.
I close my eyes
With all my might
Help the beggar
Give some food and shelter
But shun the carer.
In the heat I'd rather swelter.
Give some food and shelter
But shun the carer.
In the heat I'd rather swelter.
The hope is too much
Just a sparkle
And it can crush
With that stake knife chortle
With that stake knife chortle
They show you the home
But outside you sleep
They cook enough food
But all you get is a whiff and a peep.
But outside you sleep
They cook enough food
But all you get is a whiff and a peep.
Thunder crashes loud
The dark rumbles
It may seem bleak and harsh
But I've seen many fumbles
The dark rumbles
It may seem bleak and harsh
But I've seen many fumbles
Sure they can guard.
But do they guard their word
Guard it like its precious
Guard it like its precious
Guard it like it deserves
They are human after all
Don't expect anything from the unexpected
As they say they are unpredictable
As they say they are unpredictable
Enigmatic and have infected
The poor soldiers
With kind words and false hope
The bleeding wounds
Must hop back on the boat.
I have shown you my wounds
That is all too see.
That is all too see.
There is nothing left
Nothing left of me.
So whilst you can
Run. Run far away
Find another muse
That will make a more interesting day
Yet you stay
When I bid you leave
Yet you stay
And say you'll comfort me
Yet you all stay
When I throw knives
Yet you all stay
And help me survive.
It all started with do you remember
P.S Thank-you.
Friday 15 June 2012
The way the wind blew
I don't understand it.
There is so much change
All. Of. The. Time.
Some days are blue.
Some days are grey.
Some days are orange.
This turns out to be a good day.
When you jump out of bed
And don't fall flat on your face.
When you wake up not feeling dead.
But alive. ecstatic, full of grace.
For those people who do not like change
How on earth do they live.
Life's a rollercoaster.
You either hop in, knowing you are gonna hate it.
And ruin it for everyone.
Or hop in and try to have fun.
Go with the ups and downs.
The sharp turns that make your head spin.
And the nausea that you didn't intend on having.
My life is not as dramatic as some.
I am happy for this.
But when its done.
I'd like to look back.
And smile at all that I have overcome.
It all started with do you remember...
There is so much change
All. Of. The. Time.
Some days are blue.
Some days are grey.
Some days are orange.
This turns out to be a good day.
When you jump out of bed
And don't fall flat on your face.
When you wake up not feeling dead.
But alive. ecstatic, full of grace.
For those people who do not like change
How on earth do they live.
Life's a rollercoaster.
You either hop in, knowing you are gonna hate it.
And ruin it for everyone.
Or hop in and try to have fun.
Go with the ups and downs.
The sharp turns that make your head spin.
And the nausea that you didn't intend on having.
My life is not as dramatic as some.
I am happy for this.
But when its done.
I'd like to look back.
And smile at all that I have overcome.
It all started with do you remember...
Monday 11 June 2012
Don't take it personally
It happens one time or another
It was inevitable
I'm sorry it had to be you
Well actually I have nothing to be sorry about
It happens all of the time
Not my fault not your fault
Just me and my ways.
I hope you can see that.
But really its gonna happen
If you see it or not
Just don't take it personally
For God's Sakes Do Not.
Sure I may be as thick as glue
But one second I may come undone
Like a ball of yarn
I am tangled, cobwebbed untouched
Nobody cares they just walk by
It's like the Good Samaritan
What if that guy is in trouble
God Help Him.
Cautious is not hard.
I'm just not that type of girl that fall
At the drop of a hat
I'm not that type of girl that obeys
When a guy clicks their fingers
I am me.
I am still me.
I am not going to change.
So stop asking me too. All of you.
JUST. STOP.
It all started with do you remember...
It was inevitable
I'm sorry it had to be you
Well actually I have nothing to be sorry about
It happens all of the time
Not my fault not your fault
Just me and my ways.
I hope you can see that.
But really its gonna happen
If you see it or not
Just don't take it personally
For God's Sakes Do Not.
Sure I may be as thick as glue
But one second I may come undone
Like a ball of yarn
I am tangled, cobwebbed untouched
Nobody cares they just walk by
It's like the Good Samaritan
What if that guy is in trouble
God Help Him.
Cautious is not hard.
I'm just not that type of girl that fall
At the drop of a hat
I'm not that type of girl that obeys
When a guy clicks their fingers
I am me.
I am still me.
I am not going to change.
So stop asking me too. All of you.
JUST. STOP.
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 3 June 2012
Shambles
You know what I want.
Nothing.
Nothing from you,
Nothing from me
Just to stare into oblivion
Look out to sea
Vacant eyes
Moving no where
No purpose. Nothing.
No bloody care.
I didn't want it
But i knew it would happen
Or was it mishappen?
That naive blow
Hot. Searing Pain
Jabbed into the heart
Where all that was to gain
Left to depart.
Where rain turns to snow
Snow turns to ice.
At this stage there is no turning back
No such device.
To redeem what you had lost
what you had won but did not gain
Lost not what was earned
Because it was feigned.
You thought it was all a joke
You thought it was all for fun
The joker is not you
Because I have won.
Because im doing whats right
Stopping mid tracks...
Could it have kept going.
It was gone before it was aware.
The coals were never burning
No such amber deceived the air
But just cold, hard dust
Left where there was despair.
Despair is forbidden
In these ball and chained lands
The heart must pump
But not for you, or for me just for these glands.
To keep on working
To survive.
That is all it pumps for.
No meaning, No butterfly jive.
Just to keep breathing.
Just to keep alive.
Some think I'm stupid
but I'm smarter than they think
I'm not bragging
But i know whats written in ink.
It is plain on their faces,
Their parchment shows all proof
What they think, or think they know
This invasion makes me aloof.
Others think I'm naive
ignorant in manner and in way.
I know exactly what i am doing.
Each move leads to checkmate.
Judge me if needs be
As I do not care
I know how to take care of myself
I am very well aware.
How i act. How i look. What I think and What I've done.
Each move is strategic.
To win some you must lose some.
And those losses don't become regrets
But mishappens none the less.
All i want is to keep firm
A grip on what I have
A yarn of wool unravelled
Is not a useful yarn of wool.
But an inconvenience to all.
And I would not like to be that fool.
All I ask is don't get like that.
Don't let the twines tangle you.
And strangle what ached
Not all yarns of wool were made the same
Not all yarns of wool break.
It all started with do you remember...
Nothing.
Nothing from you,
Nothing from me
Just to stare into oblivion
Look out to sea
Vacant eyes
Moving no where
No purpose. Nothing.
No bloody care.
I didn't want it
But i knew it would happen
Or was it mishappen?
That naive blow
Hot. Searing Pain
Jabbed into the heart
Where all that was to gain
Left to depart.
Where rain turns to snow
Snow turns to ice.
At this stage there is no turning back
No such device.
To redeem what you had lost
what you had won but did not gain
Lost not what was earned
Because it was feigned.
You thought it was all a joke
You thought it was all for fun
The joker is not you
Because I have won.
Because im doing whats right
Stopping mid tracks...
Could it have kept going.
It was gone before it was aware.
The coals were never burning
No such amber deceived the air
But just cold, hard dust
Left where there was despair.
Despair is forbidden
In these ball and chained lands
The heart must pump
But not for you, or for me just for these glands.
To keep on working
To survive.
That is all it pumps for.
No meaning, No butterfly jive.
Just to keep breathing.
Just to keep alive.
Some think I'm stupid
but I'm smarter than they think
I'm not bragging
But i know whats written in ink.
It is plain on their faces,
Their parchment shows all proof
What they think, or think they know
This invasion makes me aloof.
Others think I'm naive
ignorant in manner and in way.
I know exactly what i am doing.
Each move leads to checkmate.
Judge me if needs be
As I do not care
I know how to take care of myself
I am very well aware.
How i act. How i look. What I think and What I've done.
Each move is strategic.
To win some you must lose some.
And those losses don't become regrets
But mishappens none the less.
All i want is to keep firm
A grip on what I have
A yarn of wool unravelled
Is not a useful yarn of wool.
But an inconvenience to all.
And I would not like to be that fool.
All I ask is don't get like that.
Don't let the twines tangle you.
And strangle what ached
Not all yarns of wool were made the same
Not all yarns of wool break.
It all started with do you remember...
Thursday 24 May 2012
Monday 21 May 2012
sweet child of mine
Red Brick
Blue Stone
Tough is the trick
But then you're alone.
Violins play,
their strings scream
not the sort of way
thats played in a dream
Twining, squealing together
One by one
I don't know whether
That is how it should be done.
It is not right
Harsh reality
gave me a fright
their should be fraility
and light; pure and simple
like cherubs wings
innocent like a dimple
and other cute things
Don't cast them away
Place them behind bars
They need to come out one day
so open the sealed tight jars
As sweet as a child
It blossoms and grows
Don't constrict or let it run wild
Don't give a low blow
Its in a cage
under your chest
You need to engage
Not put it to rest
Let you be pure
Stop acting hard
Let you be free
You are not on guard
Everybody has one
a sweet child
So let it run free
Thats when you'll smile
It started with do you remember...
Sunday 20 May 2012
Be a little selfish for a change...
It shouldn't have taken that long to make a decision.
There shouldn't have been any decision making in the first place.
The decision was made even before the proposition was offered.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe 'I' me out of all people, had to question myself.
Myself meaning my values, my dignity, my principles just...ME.
There was no need. NO NEED AT ALL.
There should NOT have been ANY question about it.
I was going to agree to something that was going to change me or who I am because who I am would not have even thought about agreeing in the first place.
I could have asked for my friends advice on the topic a million times but that wouldn't have helped. Essentially it came down to what 'I' wanted, not what the 'OTHER' person was wanting. I needed time to think and think I did. But yet it shouldn't have needed thinking. A precise NO would have done the trick.
I am satisfied with my decision because any other would not have been me and I wouldn't change me for ANY PERSON. Be that an interest, a friend unless justified to benefit my character and make me a better person. But if that is NOT the case then I'll stay me. I'm NOT DESPERATE to change. I HAVE VALUES that I'd like to KEEP. And people shouldn't change if someone simply tells them to. Especially if they can't give you what you want then why should you give them what they want?
And that is what it came down to...
If I had done it differently. I would have been lying to myself and everyone around me.
That is not me.
It all started with do you remember...
There shouldn't have been any decision making in the first place.
The decision was made even before the proposition was offered.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe 'I' me out of all people, had to question myself.
Myself meaning my values, my dignity, my principles just...ME.
There was no need. NO NEED AT ALL.
There should NOT have been ANY question about it.
I was going to agree to something that was going to change me or who I am because who I am would not have even thought about agreeing in the first place.
I could have asked for my friends advice on the topic a million times but that wouldn't have helped. Essentially it came down to what 'I' wanted, not what the 'OTHER' person was wanting. I needed time to think and think I did. But yet it shouldn't have needed thinking. A precise NO would have done the trick.
I am satisfied with my decision because any other would not have been me and I wouldn't change me for ANY PERSON. Be that an interest, a friend unless justified to benefit my character and make me a better person. But if that is NOT the case then I'll stay me. I'm NOT DESPERATE to change. I HAVE VALUES that I'd like to KEEP. And people shouldn't change if someone simply tells them to. Especially if they can't give you what you want then why should you give them what they want?
And that is what it came down to...
If I had done it differently. I would have been lying to myself and everyone around me.
That is not me.
It all started with do you remember...
Thursday 10 May 2012
Entry 3
Ahoy!
Though the sky has been showering it is now clearing, revealing a new blue hue. Fresh. Fresh like the water, untouched by this ship before. My crew and I have been fighting a weary battle for quite a long time now on the once choppy seas.
The waves ceased as new land approached. Except as Captain sailing into new seas and territories can be daunting. Though the skys are crystal, the shadow and rain torments inside. There is this caution that you should take in the unknown waters and all that you are desiring and expecting could be drowned the moment you step on land. The discovery may be a total flop and then your back out to sea, drifting aimlessly until the compass strikes a North.
Like always the other crew members are oblivious of the black shadow that casts across my brow but this time I'm in control of the wheel and I, the Captain take the helm.
It started with do you remember...
Though the sky has been showering it is now clearing, revealing a new blue hue. Fresh. Fresh like the water, untouched by this ship before. My crew and I have been fighting a weary battle for quite a long time now on the once choppy seas.
The waves ceased as new land approached. Except as Captain sailing into new seas and territories can be daunting. Though the skys are crystal, the shadow and rain torments inside. There is this caution that you should take in the unknown waters and all that you are desiring and expecting could be drowned the moment you step on land. The discovery may be a total flop and then your back out to sea, drifting aimlessly until the compass strikes a North.
Like always the other crew members are oblivious of the black shadow that casts across my brow but this time I'm in control of the wheel and I, the Captain take the helm.It started with do you remember...
Friday 4 May 2012
I may not be the most nicest person but I try to be
I may not be the most intelligent person but I try to be
I may not be the most grateful person but I try to be
I may not be the most entertaining person but I try to be
And it may just happen that I may not be you or as good as you but at least I try to be the best person I can and if that's not good enough, or if you so kindly like to keep shooting me down with your obnoxious comments of myself than go straight ahead...Cause at least I may not be the most cockiest person and I definitely don't try to be.
I mean who can compete with you...you'd just take the prize quicksmart in that department
It all started with do you remember...
I may not be the most intelligent person but I try to be
I may not be the most grateful person but I try to be
I may not be the most entertaining person but I try to be
And it may just happen that I may not be you or as good as you but at least I try to be the best person I can and if that's not good enough, or if you so kindly like to keep shooting me down with your obnoxious comments of myself than go straight ahead...Cause at least I may not be the most cockiest person and I definitely don't try to be.
I mean who can compete with you...you'd just take the prize quicksmart in that department
It all started with do you remember...
Tuesday 1 May 2012
Monday 30 April 2012
Back Back Back Like we used to...
Friends
you're a guy
im a girl
two different species
sometimes
same understanding
we used to....
What happened?!?
Let us delve deeper.
Friends
It started off rocky
It ended up rocky
Bliss and sun rise in between
You here for me
I there for you
That's how it is
That is how it was
You're a guy
Was a problem
Got over my naivity
Saw your sex another way
Let my guard down
Regret...that is all there is to say.
I'm a girl
Small...fragile?
Who's to say...surely you.
Or so you think.
Damsel in distress no way.
Or thats what i believe.
Do you? I never knew.
I never knew what you thought.
Still don't.
Two different species
You seem adventurous
I seem to just stick to what i know
You seem confident
I seem cold-hearted
A lot of seems
A lot of assumptions
But we never knew...
Sometimes...
I hated you because I didn't want to feel anything else
I said some things to keep my strong image up
You looked at me and I got scared
You said some things and I'd wonder
I'd just wonder.
Same Understanding
We were similar
Grey walls
Steel Plaster
Glassy stare
Melting honey and beeswax
Cold but beating.
I trusted. I forgot. I regret.
We used to...
Smile when we saw each other
Now we just keep walking
Talk to the ends of the earth
Now stony silence, stretched control
Feel comfortable
Now I feel awkward, you seem awkward.
Listen.
Now we Ignore.
Be friends
Now we are nothing more...
It all started with do you remember...
you're a guy
im a girl
two different species
sometimes
same understanding
we used to....
What happened?!?
Let us delve deeper.
Friends
It started off rocky
It ended up rocky
Bliss and sun rise in between
You here for me
I there for you
That's how it is
That is how it was
You're a guy
Was a problem
Got over my naivity
Saw your sex another way
Let my guard down
Regret...that is all there is to say.
I'm a girl
Small...fragile?
Who's to say...surely you.
Or so you think.
Damsel in distress no way.
Or thats what i believe.
Do you? I never knew.
I never knew what you thought.
Still don't.
Two different species
You seem adventurous
I seem to just stick to what i know
You seem confident
I seem cold-hearted
A lot of seems
A lot of assumptions
But we never knew...
Sometimes...
I hated you because I didn't want to feel anything else
I said some things to keep my strong image up
You looked at me and I got scared
You said some things and I'd wonder
I'd just wonder.
Same Understanding
We were similar
Grey walls
Steel Plaster
Glassy stare
Melting honey and beeswax
Cold but beating.
I trusted. I forgot. I regret.
We used to...
Smile when we saw each other
Now we just keep walking
Talk to the ends of the earth
Now stony silence, stretched control
Feel comfortable
Now I feel awkward, you seem awkward.
Listen.
Now we Ignore.
Be friends
Now we are nothing more...
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 25 April 2012
Who knew the joker and the thief were one entity
Playing cards
Cutting the deck
Shuffling, Shuffling
Craning the neck.
The joker played me
Once again
When will I learn
There is nothing to gain
Two rounds
Full house
Defeats on purpose
What a mouse?
Sneaking, tip toeing
Couldn't I see
That the mouse
Was always targeting me
Clear as glass?
But distorted as f*ck
Spill the deck
You've run out of luck
Wild card.
Tables have turned
What are you going to do?
What have you learned?
Round three
What will you do?
Last chance.
What will you lose?
It's not in the dice
It's in the mind
Roles are reversed
and this time I'm not kind.
Stay or 'Hit me'
lets see what you get
Choose carefully
Don't do anything you'll regret.
It all started with do you remember...
Cutting the deck
Shuffling, Shuffling
Craning the neck.
The joker played me
Once again
When will I learn
There is nothing to gain
Two rounds
Full house
Defeats on purpose
What a mouse?
Sneaking, tip toeing
Couldn't I see
That the mouse
Was always targeting me
Clear as glass?
But distorted as f*ck
Spill the deck
You've run out of luck
Wild card.
Tables have turned
What are you going to do?
What have you learned?
Round three
What will you do?
Last chance.
What will you lose?
It's not in the dice
It's in the mind
Roles are reversed
and this time I'm not kind.
Stay or 'Hit me'
lets see what you get
Choose carefully
Don't do anything you'll regret.
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 22 April 2012
I'm not cut at you but I am cut
I'm not angry
TRUST ME im not
You didn't hurt me
Just some memories became hot
And I'm glad you cared
Well at least I thought you did
The only thing last night
Is I like to stay hid.
You aren't foreign to that
I'm sure you aren't
So you should understand
Vulnerable is something I don't like to feel
And each time I go over it
I try to take the time to heal
You know what I'm pissed about
Its not that I let what was hidden out
But i knew it was a joke
Yet how easily it provoked.
I try to act strong
But really I'm not
and that is my truest darkest fear of all.
Unfortunately it all started with do you remember...
Friday 20 April 2012
Thursday 19 April 2012
All good comes to those who wait
I'm sorry for being cynical...but the person whoever made this load of bullshit up was either drunk......or were trying to make themselves feel better.
I'm a patient girl, I've waited for a lot of things and I've waited for a long and I mean long time, sometimes I don't know why I am waiting and just throw the towel...do something uncharacteristic that people will turn heads....but that's not me. I'm not an attention seeking brat.
I don't know why I am blogging right now...all i know is I've had enough. I'm tired, mentally and physically and all i want is a little spark in my life.
It all started with do you remember...
I'm sorry for being cynical...but the person whoever made this load of bullshit up was either drunk......or were trying to make themselves feel better.
I'm a patient girl, I've waited for a lot of things and I've waited for a long and I mean long time, sometimes I don't know why I am waiting and just throw the towel...do something uncharacteristic that people will turn heads....but that's not me. I'm not an attention seeking brat.
I don't know why I am blogging right now...all i know is I've had enough. I'm tired, mentally and physically and all i want is a little spark in my life.
It all started with do you remember...
Tuesday 17 April 2012
Seeing is Be-LIE-vinG
I'm not a religious person but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God. I have my reasons why I believe in him and yes I'm not gonna LIE but sometimes I doubt His existence. It's human nature to do so.
Or is that just another excuse.
Like this excuse: 'If i see HIM then I WILL BELIEVE'....well lets think about this for a little while...ponder on this note...I'm not gonna continue until you PONDER. PONDER DAMNIT!
You didn't ponder did you? Anyway neither did I and if you did? What did you think? You were gonna get a medal or someone pat you on the back, a lesson to y'all who did, if someone tells you to do something that you don't necessarily want to do. Don't. Cause nobody likes a pushover kid.
Anyway back on track....
Maybe i should do a little poetry to get this out. Understand or don't, not my problem.
Twist, turn, cramp
Intestines intertwined
Million wings
All a LIE
A thousand words
a melodic symphony
all strung, all played
All a LIE
Time ticks
You're late AGAIN
What excuse
All a LIE?
Two rings molding
When they should be chiming
Gold Brass.Fake?
All a LIE.
Clear as crystal
I can see
don't need to LIE
NOT AGAIN.
It all started with do you remember...
Or is that just another excuse.
Like this excuse: 'If i see HIM then I WILL BELIEVE'....well lets think about this for a little while...ponder on this note...I'm not gonna continue until you PONDER. PONDER DAMNIT!
You didn't ponder did you? Anyway neither did I and if you did? What did you think? You were gonna get a medal or someone pat you on the back, a lesson to y'all who did, if someone tells you to do something that you don't necessarily want to do. Don't. Cause nobody likes a pushover kid.
Anyway back on track....
Maybe i should do a little poetry to get this out. Understand or don't, not my problem.
Twist, turn, cramp
Intestines intertwined
Million wings
All a LIE
A thousand words
a melodic symphony
all strung, all played
All a LIE
Time ticks
You're late AGAIN
What excuse
All a LIE?
Two rings molding
When they should be chiming
Gold Brass.Fake?
All a LIE.
Clear as crystal
I can see
don't need to LIE
NOT AGAIN.
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 4 April 2012
*Place all Obscenities under the sun in here*
I could post this all over Facebook where millions can see orrrrrrrrrr I could post it here where millions may see...If i were to choose I would choose here because I know for a fact that about two people read this blog constantly. But if I post this on here am I being egotistical, hypocritical at the fact I am complaining once again....how are you guys not sick of me. I sicken myself, weewt to my self love...anyway. I could have statused something that would be viewed by others as they squander at the very thought of what the hell ticked me off this time...or that they may not even give a shit because hey she is off like a rocket again...have I lost you yet? Because surprisingly I haven't lost myself through all this, which is good.
And the point of my post was to rant but I don't exactly want everyone to know so I may keep this on the down low. Oh. My. This may actually rhyme. Gee Whiz. The unfortunate people that may know who I am and are close with who I am will probably just get the repercussions without the reason to why I am behaving the way I do...Do you get it? No. Of course not......or i may not give the things the satisfaction of my anger because really i shouldn't have been surprised, they don't deserve such effort or emotion.
Totally different topic.......What status' I hate (and most likely many others too)
1. 'I made an omelette for my mum...aren't I great daughter' (Stop. Do you want a medal? Because nobody gives a shit)
2. 'I'm bored as' (If you're bored, then get off facebook and do something productive...if you keep on saying you're bored, get the hint and get a life)
3. 'Like for an inbox/text' (Um...get the initiative and strike up a conversation yourself)
2. and 3. can go hand in hand. 'I'm so bored argh somebody text me'. (Enough said)
Oh and just in general...if you are posting a status way too much. (Get A Life)
Oh and one more thing if you posted something like this 'Oh....I'm so sad because my poor cat sparkles died this time last year' and then a minute later 'OOOOHHH ICECREAM TRUCK!!!! :DDDD'
You either have no genuine care orrr a very short attention span...either way, check it out.
Love you all...mwa. mwa...
It all started with do you remember...
And the point of my post was to rant but I don't exactly want everyone to know so I may keep this on the down low. Oh. My. This may actually rhyme. Gee Whiz. The unfortunate people that may know who I am and are close with who I am will probably just get the repercussions without the reason to why I am behaving the way I do...Do you get it? No. Of course not......or i may not give the things the satisfaction of my anger because really i shouldn't have been surprised, they don't deserve such effort or emotion.
Totally different topic.......What status' I hate (and most likely many others too)
1. 'I made an omelette for my mum...aren't I great daughter' (Stop. Do you want a medal? Because nobody gives a shit)
2. 'I'm bored as' (If you're bored, then get off facebook and do something productive...if you keep on saying you're bored, get the hint and get a life)
3. 'Like for an inbox/text' (Um...get the initiative and strike up a conversation yourself)
2. and 3. can go hand in hand. 'I'm so bored argh somebody text me'. (Enough said)
Oh and just in general...if you are posting a status way too much. (Get A Life)
Oh and one more thing if you posted something like this 'Oh....I'm so sad because my poor cat sparkles died this time last year' and then a minute later 'OOOOHHH ICECREAM TRUCK!!!! :DDDD'
You either have no genuine care orrr a very short attention span...either way, check it out.
Love you all...mwa. mwa...
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 28 March 2012
The cracks beneath the ice...
i guess i should post something...its probs gonna be shit and I'm not gonna bother rhyming, haven't been feeling the creative spark lately so here goes nothing...
STEADFAST.
Is the word I think.
That courage to just keep moving.
That crippling sensation...
But yet it is that, that motivation.
Walking up the highest mountains
Even when in the pit of the valleys.
Though the jungle may look overwhelming, scary...overgrown.
There is nothing that you can't get through.
Cut. Slash. Whip.
Those words that are tougher than actions.
Those words that mean something.
Those words that are haunting memories.
But you find the light in the darkness.
You don't dwell but FIGHT.
You get a right hook, you give it ten times worse.
Show themwhat you are made of.
With the flashlight you see....
See out of the dark, out of the jungle...
Ocean, Freedom.
Wide. Blue. Mother Earth's womb.
Her creation, her comfort...what comfort.
Harsh waves, knock you back.
Just KEEP swimming.
Tread, Stroke, Cough.
The Big Blue drags you down.
Time and Time again.
You keep Going...keep MOVING
The blue oceans iced over.
Tough as a brick wall but yet I see the fractures.
The ice cracks, a drop tears down the glacier.
It hurts.
But even still at least this message is dominant.
FIGHT. KEEP MOVING.
It all started with do you remember...
STEADFAST.
Is the word I think.
That courage to just keep moving.
That crippling sensation...
But yet it is that, that motivation.
Walking up the highest mountains
Even when in the pit of the valleys.
Though the jungle may look overwhelming, scary...overgrown.
There is nothing that you can't get through.
Cut. Slash. Whip.
Those words that are tougher than actions.
Those words that mean something.
Those words that are haunting memories.
But you find the light in the darkness.
You don't dwell but FIGHT.
You get a right hook, you give it ten times worse.
Show themwhat you are made of.
With the flashlight you see....
See out of the dark, out of the jungle...
Ocean, Freedom.
Wide. Blue. Mother Earth's womb.
Her creation, her comfort...what comfort.
Harsh waves, knock you back.
Just KEEP swimming.
Tread, Stroke, Cough.
The Big Blue drags you down.
Time and Time again.
You keep Going...keep MOVING
The blue oceans iced over.
Tough as a brick wall but yet I see the fractures.
The ice cracks, a drop tears down the glacier.
It hurts.
But even still at least this message is dominant.
FIGHT. KEEP MOVING.
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 18 March 2012
OMFG
Okay so yall are having a dandy time on your Sunday afternoon and are oblivious to what just happened. My blog and google account had been deleted accidentally *looking around hoping people don't point the finger at me* and I noticed how much I need this blog. I was frantic. FRANTIC I TELL YOU. Like i was worried all my work and posts would be gone. This is why I vow never to leave Blogdom. NEVER!!!
The worst part about it is I'm not technologically adept sooooooo this was hard, like mindblowing hard. It hurt. My mind.
You dirty minded people. Disgust me.
It all started with do you remember....and oh boy i will remember this :p
The worst part about it is I'm not technologically adept sooooooo this was hard, like mindblowing hard. It hurt. My mind.
You dirty minded people. Disgust me.
It all started with do you remember....and oh boy i will remember this :p
Friday 16 March 2012
you people don't know anything
Fact: I am really tired
Fact: it is 6.27pm
Fact: I woke up at 5.30 am
Fact: Tonight can go two ways, I'm so tired by the time i get to this party I'm either dancing with my eyes closed or I am gonna go delusional and dance like a drunk.
Not Fact: I am not drunk
Fact: People want to be like me
Me: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Fact: People say the want my strength
Not Fact: I'm not strong (shhh don't tell anyone)
Fact: People think I'm smart
Fact: Real smart people are naturals
Not Fact: I'm not smart, I look to the books...its all in the books people
Fact: People think I'm this cute innocent, lovely, little girl
Fact: I am little...maybe cute but not lovely.
Fact: I am a bitch.
Fact: People are gonna get offended/angry/ frustrated/ exasperated by my attitude
Fact: I don't give a shit.
Fact: I am gonna regret posting this.
Fact: People say I'm incorruptible
Not Fact: That is the worst lie of all...
It all started with do you remember...
Fact: it is 6.27pm
Fact: I woke up at 5.30 am
Fact: Tonight can go two ways, I'm so tired by the time i get to this party I'm either dancing with my eyes closed or I am gonna go delusional and dance like a drunk.
Not Fact: I am not drunk
Fact: People want to be like me
Me: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Fact: People say the want my strength
Not Fact: I'm not strong (shhh don't tell anyone)
Fact: People think I'm smart
Fact: Real smart people are naturals
Not Fact: I'm not smart, I look to the books...its all in the books people
Fact: People think I'm this cute innocent, lovely, little girl
Fact: I am little...maybe cute but not lovely.
Fact: I am a bitch.
Fact: People are gonna get offended/angry/ frustrated/ exasperated by my attitude
Fact: I don't give a shit.
Fact: I am gonna regret posting this.
Fact: People say I'm incorruptible
Not Fact: That is the worst lie of all...
It all started with do you remember...
Thursday 15 March 2012
Confusious says...
If you know it, in your body, in your mind and in your heart (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww what a total cornball) just go with it because if you don't then how can you trust yourself to know anything, to be sure of anything.
But also he says....
If you can't remember why you are fighting then time is telling you, enough is enough and let go and move on....
HOW CONTRADICTIVE....see my predicament people?
No of course you don't. The disgust I remember, but the action remains hidden behind a wall of some sort and my brain can not unlock the big brass door to really truly remember.
No one remembers but I may remember, and because no one does I can not be sure if I'm accusing an innocent or I am turning a blind eye to something that was JUST NOT RIGHT.
It all started with do you remember... (or what you don't remember)
But also he says....
If you can't remember why you are fighting then time is telling you, enough is enough and let go and move on....
HOW CONTRADICTIVE....see my predicament people?
No of course you don't. The disgust I remember, but the action remains hidden behind a wall of some sort and my brain can not unlock the big brass door to really truly remember.
No one remembers but I may remember, and because no one does I can not be sure if I'm accusing an innocent or I am turning a blind eye to something that was JUST NOT RIGHT.
It all started with do you remember... (or what you don't remember)
Wednesday 14 March 2012
how things can change
I wrote a poem this morning at 6.30am, yes dedicated. But I needed to and I was gonna post it on here though the funny thing is I'm not feeling that way anymore, it was quite deep like most of my stuff but right at this moment I am in euphoric state...loving life...i just can't.
It all started with do you remember...
It all started with do you remember...
Thursday 8 March 2012
soooooooooo....
did i miss the punchline? Because I'm not laughing...does it look like im laughing? No because then my head would be buzzing with happiness not shitty confusion.
Does it look like i want that? No.
Does it look like i care? No.
Do i care? Of course
Why? ....i guess just because.
You know one thing i dislike the most, being embarrassed...and every day i feel more of a fool....think about it for a while, then y'all can say sorry
sorry did i miss the punchline? Because I'm not laughing.
And I won't be anytime soon.
It all started with do you remember..
Does it look like i want that? No.
Does it look like i care? No.
Do i care? Of course
Why? ....i guess just because.
You know one thing i dislike the most, being embarrassed...and every day i feel more of a fool....think about it for a while, then y'all can say sorry
sorry did i miss the punchline? Because I'm not laughing.
And I won't be anytime soon.
It all started with do you remember..
Thursday 1 March 2012
Learn your ABC's
This is how its supposed to be:
A sees B
B notices A
A and B look
NOT
A sees B
B notices A
B looks away and talks to C
supposed to be:
A talks to C
B glances at A a few times
C tells A what B is doing
NOT
A thinks of B
B keeps talking to C
B doesn't EVER look at A
supposed to be:
A looks at B again and smiles
B smiles at A
B and A smile at each other
NOT
A thinks will B smile back
B walks past not caring about A
A and B never smile at each other
supposed to be:
C nudges A
A says hello
B says hello back
A giggles to C
B tells D, E, F
C tells A
A blushes.
NOT
A thinks of B
B ignores A
B flirts with D, E, F
C consoles A
A is embarrassed.
it is supposed to be:
A asks B's name
B and A flirt
B gives number
A is content.
NOT
A sees B
B doesn't see A
B ignores A
A is very sad indeed.
It isn't supposed to be this huge feat to get A and B together, it doesn't have to be these games but a simple hi will suffice.
Don't waste your time on this and learn your A, B, C's
It all started with do you remember...
A sees B
B notices A
A and B look
NOT
A sees B
B notices A
B looks away and talks to C
supposed to be:
A talks to C
B glances at A a few times
C tells A what B is doing
NOT
A thinks of B
B keeps talking to C
B doesn't EVER look at A
supposed to be:
A looks at B again and smiles
B smiles at A
B and A smile at each other
NOT
A thinks will B smile back
B walks past not caring about A
A and B never smile at each other
supposed to be:
C nudges A
A says hello
B says hello back
A giggles to C
B tells D, E, F
C tells A
A blushes.
NOT
A thinks of B
B ignores A
B flirts with D, E, F
C consoles A
A is embarrassed.
it is supposed to be:
A asks B's name
B and A flirt
B gives number
A is content.
NOT
A sees B
B doesn't see A
B ignores A
A is very sad indeed.
It isn't supposed to be this huge feat to get A and B together, it doesn't have to be these games but a simple hi will suffice.
Don't waste your time on this and learn your A, B, C's
It all started with do you remember...
Monday 27 February 2012
Friday 24 February 2012
Thursday 23 February 2012
Poison Apple
gleaming, enticing
magical, plastic
all for show
The core,
cracked, fractured
rotting, natural
all hidden
cracked, fractured
rotting, natural
all hidden
Poison Apple you are
Like a snake you bite
You were once the cure
Now you are the disease.
Like a snake you bite
You were once the cure
Now you are the disease.
Slinking your way
Injecting my heart
You bring me down
Injecting my heart
You bring me down
and now I can barely start.
The engine doesn't work
The exhaust cries.
The exhaust cries.
Polluted air I breath
Full of deceit and lies.
You think you had me
But oblivious as you are
I am lightweight and free
Though I'm still far.
But oblivious as you are
I am lightweight and free
Though I'm still far.
Far from the vice
Far from the noose
Far from constriction and pain
Far from you again.
Far from the noose
Far from constriction and pain
Far from you again.
It all started with do you remember...
A Ghost of A Goodbye
Turning a new leaf
Against the cheat
And all thats left
Is the empty seat
Emerald merges to ochre
Soft, sweet and now crumbled
The past slipping through my fingers
Like the sand that in time fumbled.
Down, down it goes
The last leaf falls
Bare and numb
The vulture crawls
Nothing left to do
Nothing left to say
But a small gesture
Turns this bright day to gray
Walking up the stony path
The steps are heavy and slow
Do I want to do this
I really don't know
Hurt and Joy
Lively and Numb
Two worlds, two options
what shall become
Of this; letting go
transparent and silohetted
are the emotions that are guarded
Everything inside is hardened.
One empty seat.
That is all that is left.
No realisation.
That it wasn't just a test
One empty seat
As transparent as the sky.
No realisation.
That it is a ghost of a goodbye.
It all started with do you remember...
Against the cheat
And all thats left
Is the empty seat
Emerald merges to ochre
Soft, sweet and now crumbled
The past slipping through my fingers
Like the sand that in time fumbled.
Down, down it goes
The last leaf falls
Bare and numb
The vulture crawls
Nothing left to do
Nothing left to say
But a small gesture
Turns this bright day to gray
Walking up the stony path
The steps are heavy and slow
Do I want to do this
I really don't know
Hurt and Joy
Lively and Numb
Two worlds, two options
what shall become
Of this; letting go
transparent and silohetted
are the emotions that are guarded
Everything inside is hardened.
One empty seat.
That is all that is left.
No realisation.
That it wasn't just a test
One empty seat
As transparent as the sky.
No realisation.
That it is a ghost of a goodbye.
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 22 February 2012
spaz and things
Today was a bit of everything like my dinner tonight : left over lasangna, salad, tuna dip, potato and peppers. Trust me all of the above are delicious, especially as everything is HOME-MADE.
But today was a pocket full of sunshine, downcast regret, trodden all over disappointment and the sun gazed upon me once again as I felt...free and energised.
Motivated as I started Lent today, 40 days without junk food and that doesn't just mean sweets. Detox for me yay :). I'm not saying it's not gonna be a challenge because yeah it is. I like to indulge sometimes though friends think I eat healthy all of the time.
Then through out the day, everything felt different, but I must adjust to this because it is healthier for me in the long run, even though I have the deepest regret. But as I moved on it became a little easier.
HOT! The sun did not gaze but stare as it was brazen high in the sky, sweltering as The Afterschool Club played basketball, feeling appreciated...at first I wasn't gonna play, was having a mood, but Brother Bear coaxed me.
Then when does playing ball and tomatoes congregate, when I'm playing but two squirts of one of my boys Linx and a whole bottle of water guzzled, I felt a little perplexed at how my emotion was a giant rollercoaster.
Chilling at the back of the bus, laughter, crude jokes and fun...family was spoken of and 'why don't you have a best friend' and left with no explaination....whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy huh!!!?
Maybe cause i don't want one, too much hassle and then too reliant. It's never been wise for me cause im too independent and its just not how I rollllllll.
Does it make life difficult for me....NO!
For others?....that depends on who you ask, if they are content on what they know or if they want to know more.
Another random post, sorry for all the load of shit. I do sincerely apologise just haven't had a touch of inspiration lately...
It all started with do you remember...
But today was a pocket full of sunshine, downcast regret, trodden all over disappointment and the sun gazed upon me once again as I felt...free and energised.
Motivated as I started Lent today, 40 days without junk food and that doesn't just mean sweets. Detox for me yay :). I'm not saying it's not gonna be a challenge because yeah it is. I like to indulge sometimes though friends think I eat healthy all of the time.
Then through out the day, everything felt different, but I must adjust to this because it is healthier for me in the long run, even though I have the deepest regret. But as I moved on it became a little easier.
HOT! The sun did not gaze but stare as it was brazen high in the sky, sweltering as The Afterschool Club played basketball, feeling appreciated...at first I wasn't gonna play, was having a mood, but Brother Bear coaxed me.
Then when does playing ball and tomatoes congregate, when I'm playing but two squirts of one of my boys Linx and a whole bottle of water guzzled, I felt a little perplexed at how my emotion was a giant rollercoaster.
Chilling at the back of the bus, laughter, crude jokes and fun...family was spoken of and 'why don't you have a best friend' and left with no explaination....whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy huh!!!?
Maybe cause i don't want one, too much hassle and then too reliant. It's never been wise for me cause im too independent and its just not how I rollllllll.
Does it make life difficult for me....NO!
For others?....that depends on who you ask, if they are content on what they know or if they want to know more.
Another random post, sorry for all the load of shit. I do sincerely apologise just haven't had a touch of inspiration lately...
It all started with do you remember...
Tuesday 21 February 2012
101. Reality Checks...GOTTA LOVE THEM
This post was originally going to be called 'All Good Things Come To An End' but then i rethought, and rethought and rethought and then thought why was I rethinking so much...I am not dumb, I am intelligent. So why am I acting like Malibu Barbie. Anyway I thought that instead it should be called Reality Checks, as it may be an end of something that was good that in the future this check may have been the best thing ever. If ya get me.
If ya don't, let me rephrase. Have a boyfriend... you're in love (HA)...he cheats on you (where is the love now?)...you finally see he is a jerk, friends were right...end of something you thought was great but now a couple of years on you have a great boyfriend (or so you think). Reality checks can lead to better opportunities, stop bad habits.
By the way...The anecdote above is not about me or anyone I know for that matter...so Reality checks, many people change themselves on New Years and during important events but a reality check can be any time, I have them quite often and I think i should listen to them more often.
Reality Check on my behavior am I being myself...now in check
Reality Check...looking at the reality...gotta look past it...now in check
etc
it all started with do you remember...
If ya don't, let me rephrase. Have a boyfriend... you're in love (HA)...he cheats on you (where is the love now?)...you finally see he is a jerk, friends were right...end of something you thought was great but now a couple of years on you have a great boyfriend (or so you think). Reality checks can lead to better opportunities, stop bad habits.
By the way...The anecdote above is not about me or anyone I know for that matter...so Reality checks, many people change themselves on New Years and during important events but a reality check can be any time, I have them quite often and I think i should listen to them more often.
Reality Check on my behavior am I being myself...now in check
Reality Check...looking at the reality...gotta look past it...now in check
etc
it all started with do you remember...
Monday 20 February 2012
Faulty
Jump, Hide
Shine, DimTalk, Silence
Smile, Frown
Sober, Drunk
Hot, Cold
Laugh, Chortle
Stand, Crouch
Live, Barely
Breathe, Just
Hear, Look
See, Clearly
Fault, Yours
Open, Close
Eyes, Drawn
Just, Hide
It all started with do you remember...
Sunday 19 February 2012
Gotta be my worst poem ever.......sorry guys
The Breakfast AFTERSCHOOL club
Stress flies out the window
Music pumps in our veins
The crescendo ain't low
And the mood keeps getting higher.
Sit our bodies go
Talk our mouths go
Wander our eyes go
Listen our ears go
Comfort, warmth and freedom
Comfort of the area where we always stay
Comfort of the people around us give
Comfort of happy moods that won't go astray
Warmth though comes the afternoon sun
Orange, musty light, it is not that type
Warmth of friends, conversations run
Warmth of the peace and understanding.
Freedom that comes in all shapes
Freedom to be who you want
If that be a quiet flower or Superman and his cape
Freedom when you want.
Trade it in? No.
Keep it? Yes.
The likeness does grow.
I must confess.
Move Breakfast Club
Because here we are
The afternoon Club
and we will go far.
It all started with do you remember...
Stress flies out the window
Music pumps in our veins
The crescendo ain't low
And the mood keeps getting higher.
Sit our bodies go
Talk our mouths go
Wander our eyes go
Listen our ears go
Comfort, warmth and freedom
Comfort of the area where we always stay
Comfort of the people around us give
Comfort of happy moods that won't go astray
Warmth though comes the afternoon sun
Orange, musty light, it is not that type
Warmth of friends, conversations run
Warmth of the peace and understanding.
Freedom that comes in all shapes
Freedom to be who you want
If that be a quiet flower or Superman and his cape
Freedom when you want.
Trade it in? No.
Keep it? Yes.
The likeness does grow.
I must confess.
Move Breakfast Club
Because here we are
The afternoon Club
and we will go far.
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Flutter
Corners tilt
Warmth spills
The windows sparkle
You are well now.
Muscles upturn
Organs beat
Iris is luminicent
You can breathe now.
The vibrant pink
Roses flush
The mellow brown.
You can see now.
It is newly oiled.
Tweaking it
The creaking gone.
You are natural now.
Butterflys flutter.
Wings heard.
Goosebumps felt.
You can feel now.
The doors open,
The black lights up.
The soul can be seen.
You are true now.
It all started with do you remember...
P.S to anyone who is confused, a hint...its not about love, think harder and you may succeed.
Warmth spills
The windows sparkle
You are well now.
Muscles upturn
Organs beat
Iris is luminicent
You can breathe now.
The vibrant pink
Roses flush
The mellow brown.
You can see now.
It is newly oiled.
Tweaking it
The creaking gone.
You are natural now.
Butterflys flutter.
Wings heard.
Goosebumps felt.
You can feel now.
The doors open,
The black lights up.
The soul can be seen.
You are true now.
It all started with do you remember...
P.S to anyone who is confused, a hint...its not about love, think harder and you may succeed.
Saturday 11 February 2012
Oh!
I've had many Oh! moments this week...these moments are different from my Ah! moments. Anyway Oh! moments occur when I realise something that I should've already known and just remembered or had just occurred to me.
From the smallest of things like wondering why I am actually enjoying my homework rather than stressing over it, like some people in my year level and then my brother yelled at me to be quiet because he was concentrating on his Maths. Lightbulb! I don't do Maths anymore. I dropped it for my last year of school because it was weighing me down, I dropped Indonesian for the same reason the year before last. It was just an unnecessary stress that didn't allow me to focus on my other subjects as much because my focus was to get a really good mark in this one subject that, lets be honest, I'm not good at. I'm shit at Maths and I can face that. If i try really hard I may succeed but never as much as I like. Anyway I realised I don't do Maths and therefore I don't have Maths homework...I knew something felt strange...
Another Oh! moment, a rather silly one I must shamefully admit but because I am so honest I will put it on here, that when I walk around the school, there are no 'bigger' kids because now we are Year 12, the last rod on the ladder of High School education. There was no one to look up to, we were looked up to.
Another Oh! moment was when I found it so easy to talk to the teachers, in Year 12 they respect the students much more because they know that what and how they teach is a great influence on students scores and that this year students actually want to really learn. It feels so different but a good different.
I have had many more Oh! moments but this one I just had today would have to be the most significant. For Media we have to produce a short film or something, I'm making a short film and well you need music for a short film so I was looking for music which then I can ask permission for. So browsing through the music I see a tab that says sad songs or something and I click into it, half-way during it my Oh! moment occurred. Now I don't know if you subscribers will understand but this past week I have been in the highest spirits I wondered aloud 'why the hell was I listening to sad songs' it had become such a habit, from my past moody days because nowadays I'm becoming more optimistic and taking life one step at a time. Good mindset for this year especially. So far it has worked well...and if I was my old cynical self I would have said 'Key words "So Far" but no instead I'm going to say this 'It should work out through the whole year but I will see where it takes me'.
Last was too dramatic for my liking, my moods were all over the place this year a much brighter, smilier me.
Thank-you very much.
Adieu.
It all started with do you remember...
From the smallest of things like wondering why I am actually enjoying my homework rather than stressing over it, like some people in my year level and then my brother yelled at me to be quiet because he was concentrating on his Maths. Lightbulb! I don't do Maths anymore. I dropped it for my last year of school because it was weighing me down, I dropped Indonesian for the same reason the year before last. It was just an unnecessary stress that didn't allow me to focus on my other subjects as much because my focus was to get a really good mark in this one subject that, lets be honest, I'm not good at. I'm shit at Maths and I can face that. If i try really hard I may succeed but never as much as I like. Anyway I realised I don't do Maths and therefore I don't have Maths homework...I knew something felt strange...
Another Oh! moment, a rather silly one I must shamefully admit but because I am so honest I will put it on here, that when I walk around the school, there are no 'bigger' kids because now we are Year 12, the last rod on the ladder of High School education. There was no one to look up to, we were looked up to.
Another Oh! moment was when I found it so easy to talk to the teachers, in Year 12 they respect the students much more because they know that what and how they teach is a great influence on students scores and that this year students actually want to really learn. It feels so different but a good different.
I have had many more Oh! moments but this one I just had today would have to be the most significant. For Media we have to produce a short film or something, I'm making a short film and well you need music for a short film so I was looking for music which then I can ask permission for. So browsing through the music I see a tab that says sad songs or something and I click into it, half-way during it my Oh! moment occurred. Now I don't know if you subscribers will understand but this past week I have been in the highest spirits I wondered aloud 'why the hell was I listening to sad songs' it had become such a habit, from my past moody days because nowadays I'm becoming more optimistic and taking life one step at a time. Good mindset for this year especially. So far it has worked well...and if I was my old cynical self I would have said 'Key words "So Far" but no instead I'm going to say this 'It should work out through the whole year but I will see where it takes me'.
Last was too dramatic for my liking, my moods were all over the place this year a much brighter, smilier me.
Thank-you very much.
Adieu.
It all started with do you remember...
Wednesday 8 February 2012
What could I possibly have to say now?
No. Seriously what should I be complaining about. I should be thankful for bloody everything I have which to a degree I am and the other degree is just masked by my youthful ignorance for the world and the people in it...yeah things have changed and I know I have taken the hit a little more lightly than others. But I hate to say it. I'm really happy now. How is this even possible you ask? Why is it so wrong to be happy?
Well fellow people of what my close friends call Blogdom, as the Princess I am not here to lecture but to speak out her thoughts. So here goes nothing:
Why is it wrong to be happy? Not really wrong, I'm glad I'm really happy but the timing is very off. When I had it all, a friendship group that stuck like glue, more youth and there are many more great things I just can't seem to think of at this point in time...but during this time I was not as happy as I am today....I was content but i felt it could have been better but now when the glue is cracking and I get older and things seem to be slipping away I am happy, close to ecstatic...why, WHY IS THAT?
Well, I like to think its because I now appreciate what I have a lot more to see that you gotta hold onto things or they will slip through your grasp. Though I may float around, I am more than content to hang out with the people I may bump into along the way...taking each day as it goes, not comparing days...living life in the moment because after this year, many of things I took for granted will be gone, I'll be lost again and though this year is about hard work I really want it to be about fun and living each day to its fullest.
So what i have to say isn't really complaining........so yeah.
It all started with do you remember...
Well fellow people of what my close friends call Blogdom, as the Princess I am not here to lecture but to speak out her thoughts. So here goes nothing:
Why is it wrong to be happy? Not really wrong, I'm glad I'm really happy but the timing is very off. When I had it all, a friendship group that stuck like glue, more youth and there are many more great things I just can't seem to think of at this point in time...but during this time I was not as happy as I am today....I was content but i felt it could have been better but now when the glue is cracking and I get older and things seem to be slipping away I am happy, close to ecstatic...why, WHY IS THAT?
Well, I like to think its because I now appreciate what I have a lot more to see that you gotta hold onto things or they will slip through your grasp. Though I may float around, I am more than content to hang out with the people I may bump into along the way...taking each day as it goes, not comparing days...living life in the moment because after this year, many of things I took for granted will be gone, I'll be lost again and though this year is about hard work I really want it to be about fun and living each day to its fullest.
So what i have to say isn't really complaining........so yeah.
It all started with do you remember...
Monday 6 February 2012
Change
I'm holding this dandelion, its so fragile and I really really want to make a wish. I have been holding onto this dandelion for a very long time, nobody knows why...hell I don't know why. Oh God I can feel something itchy in my nose...a sneeze? better not be. Quickly think of a wish you bloody mule. Shit. Oh no................................ Ah ah ah AH.......CHU... *squeeze eyes tight, open one eye slowly and the other*
what happened? The dandelion is still fully in tact, seriously why didn't it just fall to pieces like every other damn time. Why WHy WHY???
Maybe it has gotten stronger?
Or maybe it was a fluke....
We will see how long it lasts.
It all started with do you remember...
what happened? The dandelion is still fully in tact, seriously why didn't it just fall to pieces like every other damn time. Why WHy WHY???
Maybe it has gotten stronger?
Or maybe it was a fluke....
We will see how long it lasts.
It all started with do you remember...
Thursday 12 January 2012
Sparks Fly
Don't they know that if you light kindling that small amount will then turn into a raging fire if not contained...it is inevitable. Tut Tut
It all started with do you remember...
It all started with do you remember...
Entry 2
Captain's Diary,
We have been seeing too many calm waters for my liking...yes its a Godsend...a miracle but the crew are too naive to notice. They are slacking and I have tried to keep them on their toes but they didn't listen. I am the Captain of this ship. I am in charge but why do I not feel authoritive.
They slacked too low from the last New Moon. Slackers and now Regretters because the serpent slipped by.
But first it was the smaller waves that were a little choppy for my taste but not too much for their drunken minds to realise. They were numb when it hit, the big storm that was creeping under our very noses. After it, the storm consumed all emotion and I feel we still aren't in the clear. But we are a strong lot and we aren't knocked down easily.
The serpent was the finality note, unnoticeable but then it all made sense. This voyage must end for eternity because Neptune won't be kind no more. I shall do what I needed to do months ago, turn this ship around and head back home...
....wherever that is.
It all started with do you remember...
We have been seeing too many calm waters for my liking...yes its a Godsend...a miracle but the crew are too naive to notice. They are slacking and I have tried to keep them on their toes but they didn't listen. I am the Captain of this ship. I am in charge but why do I not feel authoritive.
They slacked too low from the last New Moon. Slackers and now Regretters because the serpent slipped by.
But first it was the smaller waves that were a little choppy for my taste but not too much for their drunken minds to realise. They were numb when it hit, the big storm that was creeping under our very noses. After it, the storm consumed all emotion and I feel we still aren't in the clear. But we are a strong lot and we aren't knocked down easily.
The serpent was the finality note, unnoticeable but then it all made sense. This voyage must end for eternity because Neptune won't be kind no more. I shall do what I needed to do months ago, turn this ship around and head back home...
....wherever that is.
Saturday 7 January 2012
As the naive cloud disappears I see the true light
'Stop thinking...and just do what you got to do'
That was the advice I got, I never understood these rambles...and it was for me to figure out. I'm not confident on much but I was confident on one thing and now two...It just hit me, after one conversation I figured everything out...what I'm gonna be this year, who i am gonna be and what I'm gonna do.
It felt good to be sure of something.
And I'm sure this going to be the best thing I ever did for myself. And I'm sure I'm not going to regret being this person that I am now.
It all started with do you remember...
That was the advice I got, I never understood these rambles...and it was for me to figure out. I'm not confident on much but I was confident on one thing and now two...It just hit me, after one conversation I figured everything out...what I'm gonna be this year, who i am gonna be and what I'm gonna do.
It felt good to be sure of something.
And I'm sure this going to be the best thing I ever did for myself. And I'm sure I'm not going to regret being this person that I am now.
It all started with do you remember...
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