To be honest with y'all I have no idea who reads this blog, if they follow it or read every post, if so I am quite sorry for the inconsistency in posting, now that school is over I'm sure it will pick up again. I mean this is my second post today.
So I have been home alone a lot lately, my brother is at school and I'm revising for my upcoming exams. I love being home alone, gives me the independence I enjoy, also allows me to think a lot. To not have other voices in your head bar your own. This is quite good, unless you are in time in your life that you rather ignore your voice in your head for whatever reason.
Anyway today I realised something. Something that made me step back and go Oh! Yeah it's another Oh! moment. Probably by the end of this post y'all would think I regard myself highly or I'm into myself. This is not the case. I don't think I give myself enough credit or so I am told. This is why I am stooged by to many people. Being alone does something to you, it makes you realise that you can take care of yourself, you do not need to depend on anyone. It is a nice feeling. It also shows how many people truly care about you, whether they think about you, want to talk to you or not. I don't know if it is loneliness or naivete that I'm writing this, cause of course people care about me. Of course they do because they tell me. But is it the h truth? That is still the question on my mind. You say you miss me, you say you feel lonely when you don't see me, yet you don't call or text? At first I was bothered with this, but then I thought that is stupid, if they don't wanna talk then why should I care, save my breath for someone else. I think it was a shock because it was so confusing. People saying one thing and behaving in a totally different way, unless they are talking to more important people. I honestly don't need it. I think I should respect myself a little more!
I am always the person putting in the bloody effort to maintain friendships, if it weren't for me they wouldn't last as long. I would text first in the past, I would call, I would keep the conversation going. Because if I didn't I would've thought I didn't put enough effort in. But I realised I usually care more for the other person than they do for me. It is kinda funny. That I just realised this at the end of Year 12 where it depends on contact if you stay friends with your close buds. Will it be me making the first move? Well I have been, bar one, it was a complete surprise that they text me. It was nice. If this person knew who they were, they are a great guy and I appreciated the random conversation.
So yeah I have put in so much effort, I'll just have to see if those people do the same. If not, its a harsh reality but I can't be bothered anymore. I can't be bothered being the suck. Maybe I'm better without them. I don't entirely know. Right now I'm doing well. Shit has piled onto my life but I'm the one cleaning it up with no help so it says a lot about what I am capable of. I reckon this year I became a little too dependent than I usual. I used to be this strong, independent person. I think I'm gonna look into her again. I think it is time that she makes an appearance for good. It is easier, I know how to let her go a little to depend on someone sometimes because you need that companionship, and to depend is to trust. But she won't be pushed too far into non existence.
I'm realising the person I want to be again. It is refreshing. It is exciting.
Welcome back Nat!

It all started with do you remember...