There is this special woman in my life that I'd like to stop studying and just talk about her for a while.
People look at her and they get disgusted. She does look worse for wear. The weight of a million dreads, lost hopes, and lack of self worth round her shoulders. She is carrying all this physical weight. Most of it is fluid, it has become a condition in the past decade. But she doesn't see the fluid. She sees the weight, the weight is a reminder of all she has lost, the degradation and constant inner conflict within herself. I could just imagine how regretful she would be. She regrets her decisions, she regrets her lack of motivation, she regrets her impact on our family. She regrets it all. She feels like she is never good enough, with a brother that is pushing her to move in life, out of the deepest love may I add (the love he has for his sister is phenomenal, truly), but there is always this hunch that she feels like she is just a waste of space. She has been given this life that because of her past has impacted on wasting it in the future. This precious life that she just sits down on her laptop and does not have the self respect to even try and change her ways.
Then there are her eyes. Her eyes that hold years of pain and suffering physical, mental and emotional...but definitely emotional. The large brown eyes that are full of woe. It is in every step, every heavy breath, just a heave to move. Now she isn't morbidly obese. It is just painful. Every year more deterioration occurs.
I love this woman so bloody much that it friggen kills me inside to see her like this. She is my constant worry. My family's constant worry but moreso my dad's constant worry. He used to have jetblack hair even when he was fifty but recently I can see the signs of stress. The exhaustion in his voice when he says that she is in hospital again, when she is off the list, when she has been kicked out. A sister falling to pieces.
He comes back most nights, late from the hospital, as he visits her most nights, and when he isn't he usually is out anyway. He comes back angry, bitter and exhausted and I can't blame him.
Whenever she smokes I feel like yelling at her, saying 'what the f*ck are you doing?, you have asthma, you are in bad condition, and you bloody don't help yourself.' Some days I get so angry. Not many people can get me angry, I don't waste anger on those I do not love. Even then not many can light my fuse. But she can. She just has to sit there and I get angry. Moreso I get angry within myself because I know its not her fault. Sure she could try and change, but I am not her, I am healthy, I am strong-willed I can't judge what I don't know. I get angry at myself for getting angry at her. I love her there is no denying that, I feel for her. I wish I could help, but I can't. All I can do is spend time with her which has been inevitable this week. Which is a good thing. But at the start of this whole ordeal I was thinking selfishly and I am ashamed of that. I get angry at her divorced husband, I get angry at all the people who put her down in her childhood. I am so fired up I could punch a wall and I probably would knowing it would break my hand, I kinda need to write tomorrow. I just want to find all these people and guilt them for what they have done, either consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't deserve any of this f*cking shit. She is still young 49, and she acts like a 2 year old but also physically aches like an 80 year old. It hurts. It truly does.
She has never stopped loving me. I remember her teaching me how to play Monopoly, or us baking, she tells me of stories of when I was younger and though she repeats them all the time I don't care. Because she is smiling and she is happy. I know this happiness is just a slither of positivity and I'm not naive enough to believe that she is genuinely happy but in those moments she is.Her niece and nephews all five of us are everything to her. She cares so much. She has a heart of gold, she used to have have all of this ambition and this drive, that I am told that I have, She is so intelligent, she knows all these facts and figures about everything. The living encyclopedia.
 If i could do one thing, I would want to give her a new lease on life.
Another thing I know is that this post doesn't give her justice.

It all started with do you remember...