100th Post: Why won't they LISTEN???

Yes it is my 100th post today and I've been putting it off for quite a while now, I never knew what spectacular thing to write about, my life is terribly boring but whilst waiting I found out things that annoyed the crap out of me, i had revelations and I needed to thank people.
First...
Over the past couple of months I've seen people who are attracted to each other, and I've seen the chemistry that is between them, its not just physical attraction but they have this deeper connection, one that I have never really understood and probably will never understand. And both sides talk to me and tell me that they either think they are not confident enough, not ready or that they TRULY don't like them. But all of these people have  something in common, and I'm not writing to reprimand or be angry because I'm not, I just want them to realise something, that this something special they have is blooming and is ready to be picked but all of these people shy away from the idea and waste this special something because they are scared. They are scared shitless about taking the leap of faith they need to cross that bridge. I'm gonna be honest it shits me so much because they have this special something that is really rare in my eyes because what they have is so pure, so genuine that is not tainted by the worlds indecencies. They are finally a community and not just a survival unit. They have this thing that people hopelessly search for all of their lives but never find, that others cry themselves to sleep wanting it, and others that are annoyed that they are around it so often but for them it just keeps missing. For these people I say this...Just STOP!!! Stop, thinking, stop talking, stop covering, stop hiding. In this silence listen and you will be heard, you will hear, stop your busy lives, hectic wonderings and just listen and you will find out the truth. Stop walking around blindfolded and you will see. You will see what I see, what I hear, two hearts in sync. But they just won't listen. Each heart beats for each other and if one falls behind the other slowly dies, they need each other but are too scared to just grab it. One does not see how he is actually in love so much it hurts and though that person may think she just missed the opportunity, he feels like he fucked up and he wants it, another is scared that it will ruin what they had but let me tell you it will ruin you if you don't find out if it could work, that What If? will always be there. Some are so used to what they have been doing to actually open their heart to feel such a tender thing is the scariest thing in their life. To these people that confide in me from both sides I can assure you that it WILL work and I'm not scared to guarantee it. If I am wrong, I will punish myself. But what i see is beautiful, I am not afraid to say I envy it but if you guys don't take it, you'll be forever lost, and will never feel whole...complete. Now if I get reprimanded by these people for spreading my thoughts out in this post, I won't care because I needed to say this, I've been thinking it for so long...and i am proud enough to be the one to voice it. If you stop you'll never know what you'll find.
OH AND FYI: don't listen to it's just not your time...it is ALWAYS your time, whether you take it is the real question.

Second...
It is such a weird thing, you are ready to pommel someone, your anger is at a high but it diffuses by the end and you'd think how could this be possible. Sometimes you just need to wait something out because sometimes those little moments can make you turn around, a night can turn around as situation can turn around in an instant. I've never been so mind boggled as I have this year, its really kept me on my toes, I went from someone who no one could understand....or was willing to understand to someone that has been on a common thread that many can understand if they get that far to knowing. I was so naive to think Oh me!!! but practically everyone is on this thread its just nobody takes the time to project out of their thoughts to see others. Everyone is in the same boat. Wow this second part has taken a random turn.

Third...
A dedication to my two favorite girls. The two that I have put all my effort, compassion into caring for. The two that I know will slap me in the face when needs be to make me realise, i have some purpose as small as it may be in this world.
Lidija: I finally don't feel corny as to saying you are my best friend. You are the one that made me realise I was living wrong, that one person who kept my head above the water when I was sinking in the dark depths of my despair. I may have found you on the floor, crushed but you found me standing with mock bravery, you dug deep and you found out I am not as strong as I may say. Today I am feeling courageous to lay it all out, even on a blog. I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. And two nights ago at a party both of us won't forget, you said I'm not as strong as you, and you know what that made me feel like...a cheater because you my friend are the strong one out of us two. You just don't see it. You are my kerosene lamp and always will be my guidance. But though I may be the one who has the lack of confidence you do too, what you need is the confidence to take your hands off your eyes and heart and see and take what you have and don't let go. I believe in you that you can do this. You taught me to open my heart, and I don't regret it even though... I know you will always be there, you are no part time friend and you know I will always be there. So thank-you.

Vici: I know you don't read this or follow it but I'm gonna say this anyway. You are the best of both worlds as we discussed yesterday. We usually don't fit well with the girls because we are too harsh and with the guys well there are guy problems. But I know if I need a wake up call you'll give it to me and push me in the deep end because you know that though I may not have the confidence I will swim and survive. But you also are the person I know who can see what my eyes try to hide and you worry...A LOT. And you care. But I don't want you to worry which makes you worry more. You are the one person who has actually said to me, that you can see I hurt. You don't care what I say or argue back  because you know you're right and you have helped me to become stronger if anything. Thank-you. You will always be that unmoving pillar who gives as good as she gets and when I lose my voice I know you will always be my back up in whatever situation. You have my six. Thank-you.

It all started with do you remember...

In all honesty I had no faith in today, I did not think it would work and once again I'm wrong. I've been wrong a lot lately...my judgement clouded by anxiety, fear of something...some think they know but I don't even know and that is what I'm figuring out.

Father and Mother

Today faired well, it was like we were a real family, making entree then K.K then lunch and when I was at my appointment all I could think was for the bloody orthodontist to hurry up so I could get back, I felt an urge to be back with...my family. That's exactly who they are, some may have been missing but majority, the ones that truly care about me were there and I felt for once I belonged. I fit, my jagged piece found a fit, it didn't need to be forced, it was comfortable and  happy all on its own, surrounded by all of these other pieces with their support and each one in harmony to make this whole- this fantastic thing.

I've been searching but its been here under my nose, they take the precautions for me, they have my back...I don't need to fret about labels, ingredients...they know but most of all they understand.

I should've taken my own advice a long time ago, that I've given to many, its a quote 'friends are like stars, you may not always see them, but they are there'.

I felt appreciated, my cooking experiences and skills being used, the looks on everyone's faces which they expressed whilst reading my christmas card, each unique and not copied, each fitting them to the 'T'. It was this small smile as they got the in jokes and compliments, the appreciation I have for each one of them, then they look up from the card and its this look, no words needed, just a look and you glow inside. I've never felt like that before...appreciated.

it all started with do you remember...

here is a haiku

One step closer
I can  nearly touch it
now i'm pro

Honestly I have nothing to say

You were gone (Looks away ashamed)
Yeah I know....(Looking straight at this meek person, the vulnerable side that is finally melting away)
Why? (Where did this person get their courage from?)
Personal reasons...family events....
*silence*
Though silence it is not awkward but comforting...It is what made them different.
...I had a lot to think about
Really what did you come up with...(why can't this person just back off...how did they become so brave)
*shock* Um...I don't know I am still analyzing my thoughts.
*silence*
Okay you can't tell anyone...You're the only one I have told.
Um thanks...*surprised that they're opening up*
*hesitance* Okay...so I have been thinking a lot lately that is why I haven't been here, I've been thinking so much that I haven't been thinking at all...see that is how complex my mind is...I can't form these thoughts into words, I haven't SPOKEN for a long time...I guess I JUST HAVE NOTHING TO SAY...(in my head: I don't want to speak anymore.) SPEAKING has changed me into you...I don't like it.
*meek voice* Maybe you're not used to it.
*mocking* Maybe you're not used to it...I don't want to get used to it, you're weak...pathetic a BURDEN...nobody likes that. Even if THEY say that I am never. They are lying for me. I don't want to be a charity case...I don't want to feel some of these emotions since I opened up. What have they done NOTHING. Got me back to square one. FEELING is good for NOTHING.
*meek* Don't need to yell?
I mean you can't even stand up, curled up in a ball holding your stomach so that you feel WHOLE. Reality check:You're not...I wish I could say it but you and I both know it is not that simple.
*meek* You don't mean that.
The hell I do...that is the funny part, parts like you don't get it...my sarcasm may be my truth and my truth may be my sarcasm, so seriously you're better off not molding a statue just yet. Because you're view WILL fall apart.
I sit here with pink nails, a white large sloppy joe, leggings and hobo gloves...hair messed...what of it? I'm pretty sure my head is in a good place right about now -.-
*meek* maybe you need to talk to someone...
What do you mean TALK...like actually SPEAK...weren't you listening at all Vulnerable One.
*meek* I was....*finding courage* but sometimes you need to find the right one...
You are not the first to tell me that...but seriously what is it with people telling me what to do lately:
you're not fat
never said i was
well you got angry before
never said i was fat mutti but more like i hate eating all this shit. I've put on weight, i just wanna be healthy again.
Go for runs with vati
I hate running
What do you want for lunch
well i was thinking of waiting till home
no get something now
Well i guess all there is is chips
Do you want fried rice
No
Do you want steamed dim sims
No...I hate dim sims
There is fruit salad do you want that
I can get that at home...I'm not gonna make you pay for chopped up fruit.
*Buys fruit*
*meek voice* Can I just say you seem to be confronting a lot of issues...you can talk to me...
What are you a psychologist...hate that profession.
But I can't say that to everyone because they'd think I'm a bitch.
*shrugs* hmm nothing new there...They only judge because they haven't gotten to know me...partly my fault. oKAY all of my fault.
*director* cut thats a wrap people.
*shakes hands with meek person* Well that was a great shooting day Vulnerable One, see you tomorrow to act again.

Honestly I have nothing to say....................................................except....My nailpolish is PINK : /

It all started with do you remember...

THANK-YOU

I am going to be honest here, I probably never truly appreciated my friends until this year. I admit this with shame because it took a hazardous, turbulent year to make me realise that my friends are important to me. I always thought it was naive for people to think that they'd be friends forever and that after year 12 they are going to stay in contact with each other, and I guess this concept just drove a wedge between my relationships with the most wonderful people in my life.

 I can honestly believe now that my friends will be there when parts of my life turn gray, that now I'd rather not be lonely and that I am not lonely with this great support. In each of their own unique ways I know they are there for me, if it either being a tributed blog, talking on the phone, allowing themselves to be my own personal punching bag, sharing their awesome liking for sick youtube clips that make me crack up with laughter, by pulling a joke that only she can pull, by hugging me so tight that I know that it isn't actually that bad, by telling me to turn off the depressing music, by dropping by my house and being a "comadian", taking all my craptastic, bitchiness on msn due to fatigue though it isn't their fault and the best one is when they just sit there by your side at your most vulnerable of times in silence and though silent you always will know that they are there for you and will listen and support you.

It took me so long to look at them and truly think of them as part of my family and that they aren't one step down the podium, they aren't second best. Because they do not deserve that, they deserve way more. I may not be the best of friends but they put up with me which I'm grateful for because without them I may look like I have it together but their will always be a missing piece, a hole that not many can fill.

I guess I felt like writing this now because a friend, the skateboard angel, said "if you're at a party, you don't have to be bored because it is what you  make it" and I'm not delusional and I know full well he was talking about having fun at a party but life is what you make it, and I don't have to feel lonely if I just opened up to my friends, I have that support there, I just need to give them that chance.

It all started with do you remember...

Shipwrecked...not quite

Captains Diary,

We sailed two weeks ago...cruising a long and then all of a sudden we got bogged. The wee ship stopped in its tracks, and as Captain I had to keep everything under control and calm, to keep the rufflers calm and the boat steady.
But  we got passed that hump and sailed into clear waters for two weeks, no sickness on the boat, no casualties...until these past two days, we came across stormy seas, choppy winds, bruising skies.

But we have survived my crew and I: happy is fine, laughter is content and trust is a bit battered but it will heal...Time heals every wound...It has been dark times but I know I can't live without my kerosene lamps, so there is NO need to worry. I will get through.

But as for now it should be calm seas for a while, as festivities are about to start and we will be cruising on a merry high.

A hoi.

It all started with do you remember...

The silent symphony

The notes and crests rise and fall.
With every breath I look at it all.
All I have done, all I didn't want.
 I didn't see the small font.

There is always a catch
A flipside as I open the hatch;
of truth, honesty and justice
I got it wrong, so how can I trust this.

Its not like a game out of three
Once your stuck you can't be free.
No other chances until the end.
When your finished and even then:

Will sorry be enough
Or was i too rough
That forgiveness is too late
and I was caught in the bait.

Honesty makes you feel brave,
But in actual fact you are its slave.
You speak your mind
and it reels you into find.

That you are the devil upon ones shoulder,
When you are supposed to be their boulder,
You sell them all the bad news,
But in the end you really lose.

By trying to do whats right
You make everything too clear and bright.
So light that your imprisoned with the faces of the fallen,
Their innocent faces, turn to ashen.

They are then tainted black
no return, no turning back.
Their silent 'ohs' speak wonders
and their weak smiles are ones of anger.

You run but can't hide,
It is your duty to confide
and seek truth from the lies
and get rid of the ignorance that cries

Cries to be extinguished
and you feel anguished.
Truth takes its toll
and whats left is someone who is droll.

The silent symphony
the one I cry out subtly.
Rings, and beats with the rhythm,
I need help to fill the empty chasm.


PS... YOU know who you guys are...I'm sorry.

It all started with do you remember...

Chinese Whispers

A game that should be banned like jumanji,  once your in you have to go all the way to the end to be free...and in hope that you never have to come across the game again, ever in your life. Because though drama can be exciting for some, for others it can turn into nightmares-literally- and I'm not kidding.
The game should be played-if ever-in hopes that you know 100% that what is being passed along, doesn't concern other people, can hurt other people if it is said wrong. It is supposed to be a light-hearted game kids play.
Kids yes I may not like to classify myself as one, but I am, we all are when we do an immature childish things that we do...but not all are in the same vein. Some were to help out a friend, some were in the hopes of what I thought was right but obviously was wrong.
The excuse but we are just human, is just an excuse...a lame excuse at that.We are human, when we do something good we pride ourselves on how evolved and intelligent we are but when we do something wrong, we say oh we are just human, mere animals.
Don't play the stupid game because you will get caught in a trap at the end. And one thing you said may be warped and become so convoluted that that wasn't the message you intended at all but how can you say that to someone who you supposedly attacked, when really they weren' t the prime subject but the subject was me.
What I'm trying to say is, don't play the game because it will always win.

It all started with do you remember...

NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE THE BEAUTY OF THIS

I know im gonna regret this

But your not even close to being an asshole if you tried...so try go on, try and I will watch you fail...your the one always pulling the honesty card and you know what you are a hypocrite. so go on try to emphasise how much of asshole you just to make a stupid point. You think it will change anything...I laugh at your attempt at talking to me with more attitude but like everyone and everything in this plastic world...it is just another mask at a masquerade ball.

So join them, take your bow on the stage and perform your heart out. At the end of the day I've met the actor behind the mask, I've peeked backstage and there are a bunch of twisted mic cords, costumes everywhere and broken red shards. Don't worry I won't step on them...I'm not a bitch. I know how you feel.

I know how you feel and yet you try to fool me with your acts that wow the world, that confidence you exude but for me its my strength i hide from...I've performed the same tricks and acts, I've gotten the applause and the encores...you can't fool me. So don't try.

So the next time you talk, you smile, you laugh, you cry, you breathe...check with yourself if that is really you. Or if your just filling in another characters shoes because though we like to dream it is good to have a reality check.

Don't worry your secret is safe with me.

It all started with do you remember...

Circus Act

We are all lined up, straight and narrow.
Straight and narrow is the path we take if we fall off that path its bad,
bad only if one of us don't pick the other up
up is the tight rope that balances in mid air
air is what we feel up on the tall post
we stand steady on this post, though thin it is sturdy
sturdy is how we feel but we know it could get worse
worse is the feeling that you felt when looking how far down the ground is, now...steady.
steady is what i think as i put one step on the tightrope
tightrope sways and i feel anxious
anxious about falling, and if i do whether i could get back up again
Again. I have done this. I fell.
I fell like others.
Others are behind me in front me taking on the same challenge.
Challenge is to keep standing and never to fall.
Fall back to the depths of despair.
Despair is the cycle.
Cycle is never-ending
And Life is a never-ending Circus act.

It all started with do you remember...

FINISHED HOMEWORK FOR ONCE

haha...I've been having a great weekend thanks for asking.
Played guitar went outside let the rabbits out for once, skipped to my hearts content and played footy. haha...then it started to rain. Damn anyway here are some pics.

It all started with do you remember...

There is always a sun along the horizon

It may not be today or tomorrow but the sun will shine once again and when it does, I will appreciate what I have.

I knock.
The door creeps open, thinking this is a good sign I walk in. It is dark and musty.
I can barely see my hand outstretched in front of me and the only light is coming from the pale moonlight.
The door closes. I'm trapped once again and this is what I was afraid of.
I try to find the light switch, for two long.
But after much impatience, frustration I find it.
I click it...
....
....
....
It flickers: one, two...will it keep light, or will it die for good.
...
...
...
It shines, I look around the room and apart from some dust everything is okay. There really was nothing to worry about. My apprehension was unnecessary.
And as I walk through there is a miracle.
For once in this bleak underworld.
....
....
....
the SUN RISES.


it all started with do you remember

Convoluted Perception

Every night I walk up to a house...a house that looms higher than the incandescent streetlamps. It's shadows dim the white light that radiates from the  bulbs. The darkness is a monster in itself, consuming all emotion and leaving you with nothing.
You walk past the once egg-white picket fence that is moulding and flaking like your past relationships.
You notice the over grown grass getting higher and higher, suffocating you but you just don't care. It's too late to cut it. Nothing good will come out of it.
I look at the old, water logged weather board which termites have eaten through. If I cast my mind back it used to hold the sheen of the suns rays but now is dead like the rest.
Walking slowly up the steps I am back to where I always am.
Each standing, waiting to respond.
Silence.
The night larks stop.
Dead Silent.
And Then For The First Time Ever
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
i knock.

Vitamin D

The sun was a blessing today. It escalated my mood, from the very morning. Though a little chilly I sucked it up and let the sun sink in. It was gorgeous.
Why do people say gorgeous, "It's a gorgeous day today". The definition of gorgeous is: beautiful, very attractive or very pleasant. Haha I guess that is why. That makes sense now. I thought before it is a gorgeous day saying it is a pleasant/beautiful day but beauty is defined by the eye of the beholder. Beautiful could be when it is raining softly when the sun is still out. A friend called it 'Monkey's Birthday' but I never understood why. But even some people are most content, on the verandah listening to their music whilst the rain plays to its own melody, or when it is foggy....
I don't know where this was going but yeah.

Basically I had a great day.

It all started with do you remember...

-

I've looked back on my posts last week and it has shown a rollercoaster of emotion, I resent some of things that I have written especially my last post, as everything has made sense once again and I'm no longer angry but understanding. I just needed a clear head and be rid of the judging that was clouding.

notice

do you need to see me buckle at the knees, sweating at the brow, feeling nauseas and pale to know that I have problems though I may not show it. That stress has once taken its toll before and was not pretty. Do you really need me to do that?
Because I have before and I'm not inclined to do it again, unless you want me to make a point.

It all started with do you remember...

The drought I feel

I may be tired right now, maybe even delusional after doing a full run of homework, maybe a little of fool typing the last poem 'Her Flock' to return and do another one as I drown myself into the ocean of Adele and 'Someone Like You' 'Turning Tables' and 'Set Fire to the Rain' are all on repeat.
I may be a fool but I can't help what I feel so here it is:

Tears run dry,
gone and blown into a gust
of wind and are no more,
but salty, red dust.

The banks are cracked,
The lining losing its moisture,
the stagnant dry air hitting glassy eyes
and yet, they stay wide open: no cries.

The dirt is hard,
the grit harder.
The glue is has now disappeared
which was used to keep it together.

Her eyes shut; then open
Open to night
where the cold air sweeps through
the dingos howl as the dead silence brews.

The next morning the same,
Tumble weed passes
Animals become lame
die out, dry out in masses
and what is left is a plain of carcasses.

Days turn to nights,
The cycle wains on.
Time flys
and it is still dry.

Parched and withering,
the buds inside are wilting,
no growth, no life
they are buried.

Buried deep under sarcasm and wit
Now your mind clicks
As you have redeemed understanding
Of what the poem is concerning.

The abundant and fresh river system,
now gone as my veins are fading
into nothing, drying up right up to the source
which was the next target.

The heart; now resembles gray slate
cold steel strong beams.
Reconstructed and tough
and after a little more buff
all will be lost from the very beginning
when the last rains had fallen
and now they aren't winning.

But now what is left
Is dust, grit and iron.
A western movie, Lake Eyre
where the drought rides on
until the seasons rains are reborn.

It all started with do you remember...

Her Flock

I'm the watcher,
what goes on below
is either serene or chaotic
and both in full throw

I watch on a hilltop,
nobody notices
not even my flock.

Some call me the shepherd
that guides them somewhere
where the grass is greener on the other side
With my stick and compassion I shall guide.

Others call me the Philospher
the most trivial questions of the world
are discussed and fleshed out
the questions that have some meaning without a doubt.

I'm Galileo Galillei,
with my compass and scope
I shall see far and wide
the troubles that they may have to cope
with whilst I draw a path for a safe ride.

But I plainly think of myself as the watcher,
I look down and observe, analyze and confide
in myself as peoples inner turmoil will rise.
My flock all have their secrets which they wish to hide,
silent arguments, closed doors, shed tears.
I watch them and yet I watch I can do nothing
Nothing is not helping.

But yet I watch
as regrets, resent and repressed emotions
implode and explode like a firecracker
every shout and yell is in motion
and I feel helpless, weighed down, guttered.
Knowing that though it is not uttered.
No one is truly happy
and everyone has their problems
that once fixed, life shall be restored
back to the green fields
where happiness can then blossom.

It all started with do you remember...

Moonshine

Two Faced.
The light shines from one side and that is what you see, the brightness...sometimes coincidentally too bright but you look at it anyway because you are stubborn and naive and want to just believe that what you see is actually what it is. But the brightness is too bright, a luminescent mask, that pretends to outshine all the negative things.
You are too focused on the pretty shine, the porcelain skin and its radiance to notice the dark side, the side that hides away barely comprehensible from a distance. It's dark, invisible lining looms though you can not detect its being, but if you look close enough you can see where the other side ends, where the night has blended in with darkness of that side of the moon, if you squint you can peek under the brightness of the moon to reveal what is really beneath its pearl white surface.And you just need enough patience until the new moon comes to figure out who the moon really is without its shiny armor.
It's Two Faced.

It all started with do you remember...

Yeah thats right!

When everything turns

Man o man I had a revelation...I mean I thought I was a bitch but truly never believed it until last Thursday.
I don't know why hadn't posted this sooner but...since year nine i have been pretty damn independent, its my thing. I'd rather rely on myself, open up to myself and yeah it could get lonely sometimes but its better than getting let down by others. I was the pessimistic, overly sarcastic girl who held her own.Probably to compensate for my shy, quiet ways in primary and year seven/eight. I didn't let anybody break down the walls I had so long and hard built up for so many years. It was me and me alone. Until either a couple of months ago or last month. When I was talking about my rock in my previous posts, well it started firstly me opening up a little, just a crack and ended up being more dependent and my sarcasm left. Now people know me for my sarcasm so this was a big thing. I noticed how pathetic I felt for being dependent so last Thursday I tried to regain and find myself again. The independence thing was coming back slowly but the sarcasm was easier to retrieve.
It was so funny it slapped me in the face how much of a bitch I was. The sarcasm was so thick...the look on people's faces that day was hilarious. But if that is how I was before my god I was a bitch. How did anybody ever like me or want to be friends with me escapes me.
A lot of people did call me a bitch last year and now I know why, I have realised. I don't know if I'm gonna stop my ways because I definitely don't want to go back to the short-lived dependent ways, but maybe just downplay the sarcasm a notch.
People got so used to the nicer person in that month, when the sarcastic person came back on the scene, they were a little bit surprised. Except for some who even exclaimed "Yes she is back, where the hell did you go"
Goes to show there are many sides of a person and people shouldn't label or picture you as one type because that would suggest that they think they know you. In actual fact nobody knows anybody to the full extent.

My two cents.

It all started with do you remember...

wake up and smell the roses

Okay obviously you could tell through my posts I haven't been that happy lately. But I'm sick of not being happy, I see other people smile and its like...it looks so easy. There was this music thing at lunch yesterday. The sun was shining and people were laying in each others laps, eating lunch or icecreams, swaying to the music. And everyone looked so harmonious.
I remember thinking at one point I wish I could have my camera to take a shot and capture what I saw before me which truly rang happiness, everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves.
So that is it.
I'm taking a stand.
I am gonna be happy...even if i don't feel like it. I'm gonna get my independence back which i had misplaced during the last month or so...but that is another story, which will drag my euphoric mood down. So its not gonna be said. I'm gonna stop moping, if i do mope, to people and just keep it in and be happy.
That is a swell plan if I do say so myself.
I thought I should as somebody had told me that they have noticed my moods and I surely don't want people to see me as some charity case who needs sympathy or someone who is always complaining.
I want to be carefree and live in the moment, stop worrying about shit that really doesn't matter.
So this is my oath.
Which I will take seriously, but again I won't be serious.

Now adieu to all as I listen to the wonderful Adele...

It all started with do you remember...

I give them chances but they just fuck it up...why do i bother?

Random Post

I honestly don't get it...No really I don't understand it? How is it at all appealing? Now I know I should tell you first what the hell i am going on about but blimey these questions run through my head EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. What the hell is so appealing about somebody's ass...I'm not gonna lie I have a booty, its part of my figure...but does that give it reason for guys to go slapping it all of the BLOODY time.
Honestly what is it...its just another part of the body to me but for them is it the curve, the shape? Like boobs...is it some biological thing going on in their hormones.

Sorry another rant, from not a happy camper.

It all started with do you remember...

I wonder...

I wonder what the world would look like if skys were green and grass was blue
I wonder what the world would be like if people really said what was on their minds
I wonder what the world would be like if people weren't addicted to technology
I wonder what the world would look like if a bomb was never let off
I wonder what the world would be like if nobody fought for what they wanted
I wonder what the world would be like if man never found out what fire was
I wonder what the world would be like if wars weren't a solution for disagreements
I wonder what life would be like if we slept in the day and lived at night
I wonder what life would be like if people were as easy as a book to read
I wonder what life would be like if men were once again chivalrous
I wonder what the world would like if everyone took their masks off...what would be discovered underneath

It'd be pretty damn different.

It all started with do you remember...

TYPES

Yeah the content of this blog may be getting boring for some...I can't do much about it I'm afraid as I post things as they come in MY life.

I had a shit day yesterday as you can tell by my posts...and if you couldn't well I did. But they have nothing to do with what happened yesterday.
So I will tell you what happened.
Yesterday I was hanging out with a guy at rehearsals and he is somewhat a user/player, using all his tricks on every girl. How I know he said similar things to my friends and then to me...Geez this guy must be so original.
Anyway my values don't allow me to get used and this made him say "You are such a good girl" and I was like "Yes I am" and he was then "Guys don't like good girls" and this frustrated me just  a tad. He made it out like if I don't let him do what he wanted then I won't ever get a guy...anyway to that I said, "You know what I really don't care." and walked off.

Now I had respect for this guy...unfortunately. I actually respected him because I thought somehow he respected me as a friend. Someone that could just chill. I walked up to him then and asked "So do you only like girls for their body?" and he replied yes which I then said curtly "At least your honest"

I'm sorry if I'm wrong but I'm gonna give the other sex a chance here...this guy just typecasted all guys...now people say Oh she/he isn't my type...I honestly thing that is a load of bullshit. Well for me it is anyway. Because I don't have a 'type'. I see everybody as individuals, no matter their looks and personality I give each a fair and equal chance to show me who they really are. Because honestly people may be similar but their not the same for different reasons. So some people are good girls because of religion then I who it is one of my values, to not put myself out there for a guy to use like their personal trophy/object. Other people are like that for reasons, some known and unknown to me...but it is their individual way.

Sorry for the rant....actually no I'm not sorry.

It all started with do you remember...

BACK IN MY SHELL I GO

I've been poked too many times

A little about love...

Love is grief,
It's never simple nor brief.
It claws its talons in
and holds on so deep
that you can only surrender
or it won't let go.

Cupids bow is the Grim Reaper's scythe,
It's each one's favorite blythe.
Can do anything, pierce or cut
but its target is the heart
and either way it punishes
and kills but that's only the start.

First comes the shock,
The period that knocks
the breath out of you.
You can't believe the feeling
Its sort of tingly and profound
You never thought it was around.

Then the crying.
Night sets to dawn and your still bawling.
Helpless, Anxious and Confused.
You don't know what comes next
You don't know what to do.
But you know in the end you'll lose.

The next thing thats dawning
Is the huge period of mourning.
The heartache of what you have lost,
But you know you have to cross,
It is never wanted or easy
But life wasn't supposed to be breezy

It leaves you hanging,
In a sort of limbo.
The emotions are hot and alive
and you love all the butterflies.
But then the angst and despair
when you know he really doesn't care.

After the mourning
and the feelings that were dawning.
A bitter residue is left behind
As he closes his eyes and says goodbye.
For the last time.
You are standing there,
In the cold, winter open air.

Trust in the world has flown
And you are back to square one.
Looking down at the coffin
Open it up and look in.
And through the dim
You see your body within.

It all started with do you remember...

Fat Days

Seriously there is nothing else you can call them. Its just the name of the feeling of some days. You wake up and put on some clothes and you feel ugly and fat. Now I'm not much of a superficial person, but everyone has those days, where they wish it would end.
I had one today, even though I got my hair done by a hairdresser at the appointment, but i felt all over yuck. God hopefully tomorrow is better.

It all started with do you remember...

More Pics

This is Bega...yes Bega is famous for Bega. But though it is the land of cheese these pictures capture its tranquility, serenity and reminds me of the British shows. or Pride and Prejudice something like that.

It all started with do you remember...

hey i'm back

Did anyone miss me?
Sorry I was away for such a long time. Did so much. Had two parties on friday and then saturday then sunday was on my way to merimbula NSW. I will tell you exactly what I told my friends. It was calming, serene and looks relaxing but not much to do that is the reason we cut it short we were supposed to come back Sunday. But for some odd reason i was very uncomfortable. I have no idea why, as i said the place was very relaxing, though small but you can't complain. I just had an urge to go home. Don't know why. The good thing was I got soooo much thinking and contemplating (they mean the same thing I know) done, that I have figured a lot of confusion out. Untangled my yarn from my head and really thought. When you are so in deep in thought it is so satisfying , especially when all your worries and confusion that has burdened itself on you for like a month is finally let go a little. There is more space for new information because I'm not consumed  by old.

So here are some photos...
                                                          (this is  Eden)

Me attempting at building a sandcastle

and failing miserably. First of all I was gonna make a sandman like a snowman but I didn't have much time so I tried to make a sand christmas tree instead and as you can see it turned out more like a dung pile.

This is my brothers however

obviously he is more artistic than me and could utilise his time with better management.

The next pictures were from the day before where we both made a sand castle and we made a tunnel. I had this pretty cool idea to take a photo through the tunnel out to the see and some look like Nathan out of the opening of a cave.

i like these pictures because it looks like something off a postcard or something

and this just happened to take when i tripped over the sand and was falling down but its a good picture ey?

I'll upload the rest tomorrow

It started with do you remember...

Toto I don't think we are in Kansas anymore

Really? Is this real, I mean how can such a wonderful thing exist...I never thought it could and no I'm not speaking of love but  a day where there was no drama. Now that sounds too good to be true. Don't you think? I didn't think life could be like that lately but I guess I'm  not always right.
It wasn't anything special that happened today but yet again it was special. Just a nice sunny day hanging with friends, filming something for media, doing what I love to do. It was a good day...tiring but still good.
It must be because I was around people that didn't bitch...maybe that's it. Just people who can have conversations other than gossip.

It's a great accomplishment to finally share a day like that.
This post may be sarcastic and i am exaggerating but clearly did like this day. It was so different, like the old days.

It all started with do you remember...

My Rock

Everybody has a rock. Somebody that they can lean on in troubled times. Being the person that I am didn't know this concept until a few days ago. As I was talking to a friend we were talking about their rock and they asked me who is your rock? At the time I said I don't know. This new concept made me think, all these years I have been other peoples rocks that when they need help I'm the one who is reliable and will help at a moments notice but who do I have. I thought for quite a long time and came up with this: many hang onto me but i am on a cliff flailing my little arms trying to grab hold of something but come up with nothing. My friend told me to go for guys since they are a lot stronger- emotionally, usually. This is like my mission sort of...because I'm not one of those emotional girls which I keep reminding a lot of people but though this is the fact, it is always nice when you know you have someone there too lean on.

Haha...I couldn't resist putting this in this blog. Love the song...

It all started with do you remember...

The Snail

I'm a snail, slowly making my mark everywhere I go
I'm a snail, curious about the outside world but anxious at the same time
I'm a snail, I have a shell that is hard for me but anyone can crush it
I'm a snail, I'm shy but when I get familiar with my surroundings I get a little more confident.
I'm a snail, that when I poke my  head out and somebody touches it it pops back in and doesn't show for a long time.
I'm a snail, trust is hard to get but once messed with me it is even harder.

It all started with do you remember

YOU KNOW THE FEELING...WHAT FEELING?

Helpless

That is how i feel. Helpless when I see my friend put on a bravado face just for me, until I see a short glimpse of the hurt he carries. He won't talk about it but I know he is hurt. Helpless because I don't want to pressure him into telling me, yet too I know I don't like to tell anyone my truest feelings. What do I do?
Helpless is when I see a starving child on the television, knowing that my money can do only so much and that their isn't only one starving child but a lot.
Helpless that the person rotting sitting in her bed, glued to the laptop, won't get up to help herself. She stares bleary eyed at the screen, gazing at it like an addiction, honing into it for hope but it is just a screen. Her hope is her family that try to help but she won't take any of it, and each time she refuses, she digs down into the depths of gloom taking my father with her.
Then I feel a little angry because all he wants to do is see her lively and trying to help her but she ignores it and gets angry at him because she won't help herself. I just want to yell at her for what she is doing to him, each refusal makes him lash out like a ticking time bomb ready to explode any minute, anything can let him off. Then I'm angry at the family that bitches every time we get together because that is all they talk about.
But most of all I'm angry at myself for not having the guts to wake her up, and for feeling helpless.
Because that is what I am helpless.

It all started with do you remember...

Reminisce

Today was probably the first time in five years that I have felt like this. Today reminded me of when I was in year six and had a lovely male best friend, who helped me out and we had fun together without actually liking each other in a girlfriend/boyfriend way. Today at rehearsals I felt the same, finally one of the missing pieces of my puzzle had been filled and I was content. It was nice the hugs, the talking of the past and how each of us got scars and accidents, the dirty jokes. I felt like my year six self but more mature and the jokes have slightly changed. But it was nice, I know I can count on him and it was nice to be accepted once again.
Why the hell am I telling you guys this...well I just had this feeling of wholeness, yes I am such a cornball with extra cheese but that is how I felt and not many people usually hear me talk about my feelings or anything like that so you guys should feel privileged.
Have a great weekend...I can tell you that mine has brightened up so much more now although it is overcast outside.

It all started with do you remember...

surprise

i don't know about anyone else but lately it scares me how many people aren't actually who they say they are. Don't you hate it when you think you know someone so well because you've either been friends with them or known of them that they dramatically change in the space of an hour. And you are standing there thinking...'What the HELL happened?'.
Then you can't look at them the same way...
It's shit...and was it all a lie? The friendship, the conversations...It just makes you wonder.

It all started with do you remember...

DEJA VU

Now my friends lets go back to Value One in friendship: Honesty, how I said it was probably the most important thing and without it there can be no trust...nothing. It is the foundation that allows you to trust, rely and feel comfortable with them as you know whenever you need it they will hand you the truth on a platter.
I hate to stress that this point in my life has been broken way too many times and for me that would be a relationship breaker, either for friends or something more. It's either the truth or nothing.
Now people lie, its human nature so there are slip ups as nobody is perfect and these are called little white lies but lies that affect not only you if they are caught out but the person who hears that it is a lie is soooooooo not okay. This is not gonna be very attractive imagery but think of me as a snail, I don't trust people easily and that is my downfall, so when i get comfortable i let go a little and go out of my shell but when someone pokes me or lies to my face I slip right  back into my shell. More alert than ever, each time it is harder to come out. When someone crushes my shell they obliterate me, and i am no more- gone or that is how i feel. So really the liar is not only affecting themselves but everyone else. And they don't remember that the reasons behind how people are is about experience and for me I've had a lot of experience.
Now that it has happened again, well we'll see how long it takes for trust to warm up again.

It all started with do you remember...

spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down

Well its been a good week.
I had the presentation ball and though i was dreading it...I actually had fun, dancing with my friends and after so many weeks of rehearsal finally pulling off those moves and actually got led a little which was a golden surprise. Not to be mean or anything. Honestly. The weather has been nice and sunny reminding me of the good ol' days of carefree hours and the homework has slowed down too surprisingly letting me actually be able to sign into my msn account and watch tv and relax as sooo many of my friends are telling me to do.
Found out I have a love for  honey just eating it straight of the jar with a spoon and it tastes good drizzled on weetbix with milk, apple and banana and strawberry. My breakfast to get my energy going after the long night of dancing.
Then Fathers Day...how was that? For me it didn't feel like Fathers Day but that is a whole other story.
Well I hope everyone is as swell and happy as I, now back to reality, maths homework...yay -_-

It all started with do you remember...

Friends?

I don't know whether it is because I'm a bitch and people don't like me or its because it just is and I really hope I it isn't because I'm a bitch, and whilst I'm typing my eyes are blurring the screen from how tired I am. I haven't felt any motivation lately so thank God for no homework tonight. Wahoo. Anyway apart from my personal celebratory thingy majiggy, my fatigue lately has made very dull company, irritable and a lot like PMS I guess. Not that you need to know anything about that...anyway, if you know a girl who has been through that or girls who know the feeling that is how I have been feeling and it doesn't help when friends drift away and other things in my life get messy.
For instance...I realised that I wasn't as close with a really good friend, I mean we hang out  but they go off with other friends as do I and we don't talk anymore, it is like we don't know what to talk about, we have gotten to the stage where we do small talk like acquaintances, yes or no answers and things like that. This is quite a bummer because we used to be besties, I don't know if they have realised this also, they go out with my other former bestie to each other's houses, shopping and all that. I mean I hate shopping but you could still ask? Okay so I don't want to be a bitch but its just things are changing and I knew they would, but not now, I thought after year 12 because everyone says friends forever but it never works out like that, we will go our seperate ways. It isn't really that hard to comprehend and I guess I have thought about it a lot, it isn't like I want to easily just let go of my friends but I guess when it comes the time I will do  it a lot easily, since I'm not clouded by fluffy lovey dovey bullshit that in the end means nothing.
I'm not gonna say that I don't really like my friends because I do and some more than others have made a huge impact on my life. If you are reading this Jaja is one of them, she kept me sane whilst i was in rough patch. I owe her so much and I thank her for it. But I see friends that are so close and then drift apart like they were nothing, happened to me a lot but really I am so used to it.
Just wanted to rant
so thanks for listening.

It started with do you remember

Luck of the Draw

Not really sure if this heading suits tried to be creative anyway...another weird rambling from the oh so weird girl who instead of doing her english homework is writing to you my dear people.
Don't you just hate when you just missed out on the best thing/opportunity by a smidgen, an ounce, a mm of a mm. (don't know what that is called)
Like you just forget about it for sooo long and then you are so surprised that it is finally in your life again but not entirely and it is trying to make contact with you and you didn't pick up the phone thinking it is a telemarketer (sorry to the fellow bloggers or readers who are telemarketers) and that phone call was the only chance of contact and you blew it. All of those memories that you tried to keep untainted have hurt once more and it could have been a bliss and a renewal of a relationship if you just picked up the phone.
Ever felt like that?
Or if you walked in straighter and more confident through the audition door you would've gotten that role- i mean your acting and look was great and all but you looked a bit nervous walking in. Aww you don't say!
If only...these are the two words that revolve around many peoples minds...if only i did this I could've been... blah blah blah. And these regrets make you try harder and for those who do they are ridiculed for putting themselves in a vulnerable position and give it their all so that they have no regrets as they muster all of their courage and don't look back so they don't have the two words on their mind...if only...

Don't exactly know where this was going but I hope you get the jist, just some thoughts that crossed my mind.
It all started with do you remember...

Superstition or just pure...Something

This is a totally random post but whatever.
I've noticed over my observational years that if you want something so much you don't get it but if you turn a blind eye toward it...it is like drawn to you. This ranges from many things and is quite a general concept. Maybe it is the hope of wanting so bad that when you don't get it your heart is crushed into a gazillion pieces with the rest of your vital organs such as your brain, lungs and spine(though this is not a organ...i don't think?) and this crushing feeling makes it feel worse that you realise and are more alert to the fact that you didn't get that desired object and it is just a coincidence that when you try to forget about it that very thing is drawn to you.
Probably not making sense but really and truly honestly when do I ever?
Fair call.
So is it superstition or pure...something?
Short but sweet just like me...ha.

It started with do you remember...

Picturesque

I had take a few photos over the last couple of days.

• Can you see the rainbows in these pictures...

SUNSET

CLOUDY- THESE CLOUDS LOOK PAINTED

AND THESE REMIND OF TOY STORY

It all started with do you remember...