No. No More

Poisoned tears drenched my clothes
I couldn’t stop them
as they flowed ripping at my woes
why

Locked inside
I swallowed the key
there was no one to confide
in

It was crippling
as I sat on the cold, dank floor
I started trembling
Gods

Flashback. What had occurred.
Someone smeared shit on me
Words Words. Thick Black Words
Name

Unbelievably crystal clear
My sight and what I saw
Even under the hazy stupor
Did

I pushed away and backwards I treaded
Into the dark ready for the torture
I let it in, took all that it threatened

I

Up goes the strong wall
Brick by harsh Brick
I am not a Porcelain Doll
Cry

No. No more

Exeunt

Another era has ended, and I am moving onto to bigger, better opportunities. I'm in the big world now and I realised I am an adult and things do change. Friends distant yet you meet new ones. Especially after high school I realised who my true friends are and the ones I'd really like to keep in contact with. Even though some have appeared to be gone from sight I can't mope about it but believe they were there for a while for a purpose.
It is only fitting to end this blog and start a new one. I may still post some poems on here when I'm down but I have learnt to see through the bad times and recognise the little bit of sunshine that is hidden in each one.

My new blog is 365 days of Summer. Every day I am going to post something beautiful, inspiring or happy that had happened. 3-6-5daysofsummer.blogspot.com.

And it all started with do you remember...

Said the little Birdy

It's quite an ordinary day today, listen to channel V or Max, eat breakfast, do a little exercise, check my to do list and then I see it.  A dead bird. How did I know it was dead? Anyone can spot it, they all die the same and in the same position. Stiff, and the legs a little crooked, and the eyes look desolate, there is no life there anymore. If it weren't for my errand to water my dad's plants today I wouldn't have seen it. I stood stock still, unaware how much shock I received from this small sight. It isn't the first time I have seen this and maybe that is what it was, my mind replaying all the birds I tried to help during my childhood up to now, every single one dying on me cause they wouldn't feed or take the water I gave, even when i mashed up a worm or some grains for them. I kept them warm and yet they all had become what I saw now.
My day took a slight turn in events when I thought I'll get dressed and bury this little birdy. I didn't grow attached to this bird but I didn't want it to become cat food. I didn't know how it died, why didn't it fly to security. Either way without much thought in the process I got dressed silently, I got a box silently and I put it in the box and then dug silently. I just kept digging without much thought and then I put the box in the earth and covered it up with a couple of lasting pats and I walked back and started exercising again like nothing happened.
Is that what people do? They go through the processes that are necessary with no thought so it may be a little easier. That is what I figured, then I wondered about murderers, even serial killers is that how they act?
A life is a life isn't it? Wouldn't the process have more repercussions rather than a prison sentence in the end? They can't be that used to a process that seems unnatural. These were my little wonderings, said the little birdy.

It all started with do you remember...

what is truth when we try so damn hard to conceal it, we chuck piles of layers making it seem more complicated than it probably is. Who really wants the truth, the raw form...beautiful. But true beauty always has a sting to it. Can you trust that truth? Who wants it? No one,  either they can't be bothered to dig and get dirty to get to the bottom of things or they really just don't want to hear it.
We take the truth and we contort it so it is incomprehensible not only to others but to ourselves, we take the little black ball or mess and put it in a black box, that then is put in a coffin, that coffin is locked and welded just for good measure, that coffin is placed deep in the ground and then you fill the lot and leave. You don't look back on it, it never happened. So why would you want the truth if you've gone to all that trouble to hide it. Why would anyone else want it?

Again another ramble :) I don't know why, or what it provides to y'all. don't think it makes sense anyway haha.

Another year has come to pass and  boy was it a roller coaster. I hadn't posted as much as last year, even though it was only six months I probably posted more. The reason for that was the meaning of this blog. I want to share things that others can take on as inspiration, advice or a cool idea, if I was upset or downtrodden I didn't want to splurge my feelings all over the internet. One it really isn't anybody's business and two people don't need to see it. Especially as there are kids who are so happy with what little they have and yet I mope around pitiful because my life seems so hard? It doesn't make sense and that is what is the issue with modern society. Perspective.
It would be an understatement for me to say that I have characteristically grown this year. If I thought last year I had such a growing experience it is a penny compared to this one. Everyone asked me what year 12 was like. I could honestly say it was the best and worst year of my life so far and this would have nothing to do with the actual year 12 work load. That I didn't stress on. It wasn't school but the social sector of my life that took a hold of my stress and shook it around a little. I had made so many memories especially with my media buddies producing films, or just the odd occurrences that would happen during a lunch time with my mates. This year I finally figured out who my true friends were and it wasn't easy. The five from last year, a few of them are still very important to me and would be considered in my top five this year, the coach, the vault and the free spirit are still very much there. Other friends have come and gone, we've fought and we've made up and it has opened my eyes to see more clearly each time.
There were many best moments during the year and the best came from the worst. I reckon this was the year i learnt more about myself, that I denied who I truly was and hid behind a mask of strength but in reality that was the worst lie of all. Most knew that and I wasn't trying to fool them at all, I was trying to fool myself and it worked for a certain amount of time but I learnt by doing that I wasn't being a true version of myself and whenever i wasn't, whenever i was a little bit of someone else it became detrimental to the relationships with my friends and family.
I made some decisions that I'm not proud of yet i do not regret any of it because it has made me come to realise who I want to be, a good person that someone can rely on and that someone can be honest to and trust. These decisions had some costly consequences that also made me realise what some people mean to me and how others shouldn't. Last year I ended on a note of unclarity and I was fine without knowing the answers but it was this year that through every decision i had made I figured them out. I know who I am and like my old self I am going to be so stubborn to stick to it. I have changed for the better. People reading this who are my friends probably thought i hadn't done that much bad but it isn't what I did but the feeling had from making those kind of decisions, the guilt and the sickness. It may not be bad for others but that just goes to show the person I am.
If I didn't have the friends and family I had I think this year would have been very different, sure the world isn't full of roses and sunshine but it never was supposed to be and as corny as it is I am glad I have the ability to allow to get knocked down in order to get back up stronger than before.
New Years Resolution: Be healthy for myself, I'm not talking about physically though that would come into it but mentally and emotionally just think more healthily, knowing and allowing people to care for you, because a wise man once told me that its okay to rely on someone and hold onto that rope, it is okay for them to pull you out when you feel like you are in quicksand, it is okay to get some help.

It all started with do you remember...

YEAR 12 FINISHED WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Everything is going well. Friendships that i thought were slipping have regained speed. We will just see. But I'm just taking things as it comes.
I've even been thinking about selling art and crafts. Just as a hobby. I think it is a good goal. :)

Human Emotion can be so bloody stupid sometimes. It can cause accidents, it can cause incidents and sometimes its just there, in the way of any logical thinking. Overanalysing is not a cognitive process.  It is not at all. It is more an emotional part that has nothing to do with the brain (well it technically does but you get what im trying to say). I have done all of the above.
It can be so stupid in fact that it can hurt people, it can make others overanalyse and thus we have this neverending cycle. Overanalysing we all do it. If you say we don't then you're are not only lying to me but moreso yourselves. Why are you denying it? My friend always asks me. There are reasons. I say. But there are reasons for everything, the reason for the reasons is a different kettle of fish or something along those lines that women phrase. You are human. You overanalyse because you feel threatened, you care, or you dream.
Lately I have let my emotion to get in the way of my 'good temperament'. I have become too feminine, sorry girls. I used to joke about things, let people joke about things. Nothing would get to me. I wouldn't overthink things at all, I'd just let them be. As I've said I have been mighty angry recently. I have no idea why. It is annoying because this takes over my judgement. It makes me think things I wouldn't have if I were in a content mood.
I don't trust many people as it is but it has made me further question whether I should trust the people that I trust now. Yeah I'm a freak. I don't know if you guys do it also.
For instance there are these three little words that someone said to me the other day and no they are not 'I love you' haha, it will be a while for someone to even get to that point with me.  Whatever!!! But no, because of my wavered judgement all I said was 'that's nice'. It just didn't make any sense. Was it a line? It was most likely a line- these thoughts were the one's that ran through my head non-stop.
People think that others overanalyse of people that they really like, in  a romantic way. That is not the case, not at all, its just if you care about that person, if you trust that person or if aren't quite sure if you care more. It is Social Reality. It sucks.
People are complex creatures, they don't necessarily put it all out there. My friends don't allow the rest of the world to see who they truly are underneath that is why it didn't make sense. I don't get it. I probably never will. I don't want to keep questioning things, I want to trust what is said to me, but that is being naive. Ignorance is Bliss but is it really? Is a lie really better than the truth? And then that makes me wonder even more. I always say honesty is the best cure for anything. I'd rather be upfront and honest then deceive someone. Others say sometimes honesty isn't the best thing, you have to protect those you love. But is it really protecting? Or is it just blurring the truth? What if they hear the truth from someone else? Doesn't that hurt more? What if they are having a conversation with someone else and this judgement is somehow muddled, so they believe whatever shocking information comes out of that person's mouth. They believe they have been betrayed. Couldn't the truth at the start have prevented this outcome?
Then you have a minor fight with someone or a major fight with someone and they say all these nice things that make you feel like a fool for even believing someone else's truth. Later I then think, are they just saying these things to smooth things over, cause they can't be bothered, or they know what they did was wrong and they don't want to dig a deeper hole for themselves. I mean what is real! People are always trying to cover themselves, they just put it in a way that appears to be caring for other's wellbeing.
I don't know who or what to believe anymore that is why distancing helps a little, to gain perspective, to make the emotion calm down a little and possibly go. So that it is a clean slate and you can think clearly without this heavy fog blurring your mind and vision.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...

I was being that advice person that every group has the other day. A friend had a predicament and she wanted help with something. My advice was don't waste your time and energy on someone you don't care about. Don't talk about them, don't get angry, don't cry over them, especially when that person obviously doesn't care about you. By doing any of these you are wasting energy, limited energy that us humans have. Energy that should be used towards things that actually make us happy, I was in a shit mood this morning I'm not gonna lie. But it soon turned when I drove to my cousins house. I haven't hung out with these guys in a long time. Seeing as school is no more, I have the time to spend quality time. We went to the park and the sunshine was so satisfying that I rather be happy then think about anybody that makes me angry.
Just goes to show people should take their own advice and if they can't how can anybody else?

Just something to think about.

It all started with do you remember...

It can be pissing down rain, it can be storming, it can be freezing but today I do not care at all. I do not give a shit. Today I am happy. I can't stop laughing, my cheeks hurt from smiling. Had a great day with mum. Good Luck all around. I got a dress (yes i actually went shopping -.-, i bought a ring) my lit exam went pretty good I reckon.

SIGHHHHHHHHHH. I AM JUST SO FRIGGEN HAPPY.

it all started with do you remember..

There is this special woman in my life that I'd like to stop studying and just talk about her for a while.
People look at her and they get disgusted. She does look worse for wear. The weight of a million dreads, lost hopes, and lack of self worth round her shoulders. She is carrying all this physical weight. Most of it is fluid, it has become a condition in the past decade. But she doesn't see the fluid. She sees the weight, the weight is a reminder of all she has lost, the degradation and constant inner conflict within herself. I could just imagine how regretful she would be. She regrets her decisions, she regrets her lack of motivation, she regrets her impact on our family. She regrets it all. She feels like she is never good enough, with a brother that is pushing her to move in life, out of the deepest love may I add (the love he has for his sister is phenomenal, truly), but there is always this hunch that she feels like she is just a waste of space. She has been given this life that because of her past has impacted on wasting it in the future. This precious life that she just sits down on her laptop and does not have the self respect to even try and change her ways.
Then there are her eyes. Her eyes that hold years of pain and suffering physical, mental and emotional...but definitely emotional. The large brown eyes that are full of woe. It is in every step, every heavy breath, just a heave to move. Now she isn't morbidly obese. It is just painful. Every year more deterioration occurs.
I love this woman so bloody much that it friggen kills me inside to see her like this. She is my constant worry. My family's constant worry but moreso my dad's constant worry. He used to have jetblack hair even when he was fifty but recently I can see the signs of stress. The exhaustion in his voice when he says that she is in hospital again, when she is off the list, when she has been kicked out. A sister falling to pieces.
He comes back most nights, late from the hospital, as he visits her most nights, and when he isn't he usually is out anyway. He comes back angry, bitter and exhausted and I can't blame him.
Whenever she smokes I feel like yelling at her, saying 'what the f*ck are you doing?, you have asthma, you are in bad condition, and you bloody don't help yourself.' Some days I get so angry. Not many people can get me angry, I don't waste anger on those I do not love. Even then not many can light my fuse. But she can. She just has to sit there and I get angry. Moreso I get angry within myself because I know its not her fault. Sure she could try and change, but I am not her, I am healthy, I am strong-willed I can't judge what I don't know. I get angry at myself for getting angry at her. I love her there is no denying that, I feel for her. I wish I could help, but I can't. All I can do is spend time with her which has been inevitable this week. Which is a good thing. But at the start of this whole ordeal I was thinking selfishly and I am ashamed of that. I get angry at her divorced husband, I get angry at all the people who put her down in her childhood. I am so fired up I could punch a wall and I probably would knowing it would break my hand, I kinda need to write tomorrow. I just want to find all these people and guilt them for what they have done, either consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't deserve any of this f*cking shit. She is still young 49, and she acts like a 2 year old but also physically aches like an 80 year old. It hurts. It truly does.
She has never stopped loving me. I remember her teaching me how to play Monopoly, or us baking, she tells me of stories of when I was younger and though she repeats them all the time I don't care. Because she is smiling and she is happy. I know this happiness is just a slither of positivity and I'm not naive enough to believe that she is genuinely happy but in those moments she is.Her niece and nephews all five of us are everything to her. She cares so much. She has a heart of gold, she used to have have all of this ambition and this drive, that I am told that I have, She is so intelligent, she knows all these facts and figures about everything. The living encyclopedia.
 If i could do one thing, I would want to give her a new lease on life.
Another thing I know is that this post doesn't give her justice.

It all started with do you remember...

Brown Paper Bag

A brown paper bag?
What do they behold?
It must be innocent?
The knowledge is worth gold?

It's mysterious lure
Sings to me.
Its hidden nature
Does not want to be seen.

Brown Paper Bag
You are a device.
To hide and conceal.
Someone's demise.

Death is not just for the dead.
It is to define a termination.
My heart turns to lead.
Who is next?

Is it the grog bearer?
Or the druggie?
The meds taker?
Or the baby?

Is it the grandma?
Bedridden.
Deteriorating.
Full of old.

The brown paper bag
With her meds.
Yet they don't help.
Her sighs and dreads.

Bag? It is more than that
Au Revoir!
I take off my hat.
I leave and I am gone.

That bag is more than bags.
It is a reminder.
Down it drags.
Suffocating the finder will find.
And the willbearer will deny
That she closed both her eyes.

It all started with do you remember

Beginners Luck

Or was it really Beginner's Luck.
When I was little I used to watch my dad make pancakes as I did with mum as she made scones. They really do complete each other those too.
Today my parents were out, as I was studying, but for breakfast I had a plan to attempt to make pancakes. I haven't seen dad do them in ages, but I wasn't apprehensive in a bit. I was quite excited. So my brother was watching me as I put in the ingredients. He is like do you know the recipe. I said not exactly. But I was just going off instinct, remembering how my dad did everything. To my happiness I got the right consistency...how did I know it was right? I didn't, I just had a feeling. Now to cook them...I thought they may not be fluffy, but I let them set for a while and fingers crossed, they actually turned out quite fluffy. I was so surprised that my unthought plan had worked. Now Psychologists would be lead to believe that I portrayed Latent learning. This is learning without the need of reinforcement, the skills and learnt information that has been observed or such is hidden until needed. I have never made pancakes, and I just went on instincts.
Now being a blogger I have to link everything to some philosophical point, or maybe it is because I am female teenager. Anyway, I think the key point is that you gotta leave things up to your instincts. Not enough people do it. They try to control everything, every little thing. I think people have to step back and believe in there ownselves. They don't give themselves the credit.
I have found that the most spontaneous of outings have lead to some of my greatest memories, challenging myself and allowing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. The most spontaneous recipes have lead to my parents wanting to know my recipe. Sure I could tell the ingredients but the measurements weren't calculated, it was based off my instinct. I think that is why my nonna's food is so great, she doesn't abide by the measurements, she does it based off her own knowledge, and her passion for food as does my dad. They both creatively express themselves through food, trusting in their own skills and knowledge of flavours and such.
I think I'm a more freeing person, a more instinctual. If something doesn't feel right in my gut its mostly because its the wrong thing. We were born instinctual. We are animals as much as many people like to forget. Bottom line is before all these rules, before society tried to control things, even before the bartering system, fixed action patterns or such knowledge that was predispositioned such as instinct in order to survive.
My psychology exam is tomorrow so after today there is no more distinct references :) Good Luck to me I guess! Also good luck to anyone else doing exams.

It all started with do you remember...

To be honest with y'all I have no idea who reads this blog, if they follow it or read every post, if so I am quite sorry for the inconsistency in posting, now that school is over I'm sure it will pick up again. I mean this is my second post today.
So I have been home alone a lot lately, my brother is at school and I'm revising for my upcoming exams. I love being home alone, gives me the independence I enjoy, also allows me to think a lot. To not have other voices in your head bar your own. This is quite good, unless you are in time in your life that you rather ignore your voice in your head for whatever reason.
Anyway today I realised something. Something that made me step back and go Oh! Yeah it's another Oh! moment. Probably by the end of this post y'all would think I regard myself highly or I'm into myself. This is not the case. I don't think I give myself enough credit or so I am told. This is why I am stooged by to many people. Being alone does something to you, it makes you realise that you can take care of yourself, you do not need to depend on anyone. It is a nice feeling. It also shows how many people truly care about you, whether they think about you, want to talk to you or not. I don't know if it is loneliness or naivete that I'm writing this, cause of course people care about me. Of course they do because they tell me. But is it the h truth? That is still the question on my mind. You say you miss me, you say you feel lonely when you don't see me, yet you don't call or text? At first I was bothered with this, but then I thought that is stupid, if they don't wanna talk then why should I care, save my breath for someone else. I think it was a shock because it was so confusing. People saying one thing and behaving in a totally different way, unless they are talking to more important people. I honestly don't need it. I think I should respect myself a little more!
I am always the person putting in the bloody effort to maintain friendships, if it weren't for me they wouldn't last as long. I would text first in the past, I would call, I would keep the conversation going. Because if I didn't I would've thought I didn't put enough effort in. But I realised I usually care more for the other person than they do for me. It is kinda funny. That I just realised this at the end of Year 12 where it depends on contact if you stay friends with your close buds. Will it be me making the first move? Well I have been, bar one, it was a complete surprise that they text me. It was nice. If this person knew who they were, they are a great guy and I appreciated the random conversation.
So yeah I have put in so much effort, I'll just have to see if those people do the same. If not, its a harsh reality but I can't be bothered anymore. I can't be bothered being the suck. Maybe I'm better without them. I don't entirely know. Right now I'm doing well. Shit has piled onto my life but I'm the one cleaning it up with no help so it says a lot about what I am capable of. I reckon this year I became a little too dependent than I usual. I used to be this strong, independent person. I think I'm gonna look into her again. I think it is time that she makes an appearance for good. It is easier, I know how to let her go a little to depend on someone sometimes because you need that companionship, and to depend is to trust. But she won't be pushed too far into non existence.
I'm realising the person I want to be again. It is refreshing. It is exciting.
Welcome back Nat!

It all started with do you remember...

I guess all the year 12's are quite relieved as we all finished our English Exam yesterday. 3 hours and two essays, one language analysis later I was stuffed. So bloody tired it was unbelievable. Whose Reality has been a large subject in my late English curriculum so when something happens in my life, there is no surprise I find many connections to it.
If I hadn't done Psychology I would've had a vague, superficial knowledge of Sigmund Freud. Yet Psychology has taught me that all of my deeper conflicts within myself can be shown through my behaviour, thought processes and dreams. Anyone heard of Freudian slips? Yeah they are a bugger.
Why are they pushed down to ones subconscious  Well it seems that many of us like to control many aspects of our lives, so when something doesn't go according to plan then one pushes it so far out of their consciousness that it remains or appears to remain hidden. These little techniques are called defence mechanisms and Freud was very passionate with utilising them in many of his theories, such as the Psychodynamic Theory. (Can you tell I'm revising for my Psychology Exam that is on Monday?)
Now I may be sounding a little like Freud himself, not really explaining what I'm trying to say in this post, is this a point to all of this? Well that depends on perspective!
So lately there have been a few social crisis' in my life. I have been putting them subconsciously out of my consciousness because I pretend to feel that they are unimportant to me; because there are larger, shittier things happening to other people right? So I should be appreciative and not complain. This has been my little philosophy lately, I guess it stemmed from my constant watching of Battle Scars by Guy Sebastian and Lupe. Love the song, and it is a metaphorical message clearly showing that everybody has scars, that determine their own person. Back on topic, so because of this philosophy my behaviour has changed due to my thought processes, I have become more withdrawn, silent concerned that I may complain. It's is irrational I know. Not yet a phobia because it isn't that excessive. Anyway, I may be pushing all this shit out of my brain, I may be denying it and masking it or whatnot but when I sleep, I have no control of the subjects that appear. I have been having reoccurring dreams lately. Not exactly the same flow or story but they all draw on the same meaning. It is basically me letting down my friends. Either abandoning them, lying to them. This latest one I couldn't stretch myself out enough to cater for all of them, so when one wanted me to hang out with them, then the others were abandoned. They get pissed and I feel guilty. Now, I'm not saying that I have trouble with sharing myself among friends. The most important part of these dreams is that I feel guilty. That I will hurt my friends and by this they will feel abandoned. Thus, I do not want it to get to this stage, and I won't let it because I used to be a great friend. One of the most loyal people and I am not ashamed to admit that.
Reoccuring dreams are trying to send someone a message about their deepest concerns in my case. To stop the pattern one must change. According to the CBT (cognitive behavioural treatment) that is used on many phobias and addictions. The cognitive part is to examine thought processes and display how this thinking is impacting on their behaviour. The behaviour component is ways to limit the unwanted behaviour. Change the way one thinks, you change the way they behave.

That is all...I hope you learned a few things hahaha. This actually better help me academically too!
And if you read this all, then here is a little video, that I am kinda obsessed with lately.

It all started with do you remember...

It's okay

That sweet sound that resurfaces some dusty nostalgia is what truly tells me that Summer is here. The ice-cream truck.
Sure, the days were getting intensely hotter, i was having a couple of uncomfortable sleeps, though waking up refreshed, i wore boxers instead of pants, and the talk of going to the beach was coming from so many people's mouths. I'm not sure if it was the exams rock I was living under, but it wasn't until a couple of minutes ago that Summer had sunk in. That sweet scent of Summer's air equating to summer drives with no destination, relaxing holidays and catching up with all my friends seems closer than expected.
Exams are closer than expected. Tomorrow I have my English. I am a little apprehensive on that. But how it goes. It goes. This afternoon I have put my head down and tried to study hard. Lately i haven't felt that motivated. But that is okay because the sooner I realised that, the sooner I could do something about it.
It is quite surprising that my dependence on facebook has diminished. I don't feel the need to know everyone's problems, everyone's complaints, because naturally that is all people usually do on Facebook.
This comes to another oh so random point that crossed my mind. People say that people with a blog are part of the narcissistic population. I think different. Sure, I rant on here, I have vented on here. But most of all I like to think I can give people different perspective, a new insight into the worlds smallest of things, to get inspired to creatively express themselves.
A lot of this stuff is quite dark at times, and I don't regret telling you guys cryptically or not so cryptically depending on how many of you guys think you know how to read me.
Yes another post that may be seen as pointless, but to me it is not. I've quit with the apologising for natural things I do. I've quit complaining. And I've quit dwelling on the things I don't quite understand, because that is alright.

It all started with do you remember...

The thing about drunks

Now this post may be very bias, as everybody is different. A friend of mine said last night that some people aren't in control when they are drunk and others are.
Last night I was drunk, the reasons why I let myself get to this state were personal ones and it all came down to putting those little niggling boxes away and just having fun. Having a blast.
I walked in with my wine bottle (yes I'm all class :p) and yes I drank it all. I didn't feel the effects until it equated to the fifth standard drink. For me, for a little girl, I think I did well. My experience was things, movements went a little faster than usual, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sick, my balance was horrible though when I'm sober it is horrible also and I felt free, just bloody carefree.
Not many people are used to me in this state.
I got told that 'I looked awful'
                     'I looked like someone had just raped me' (these are all quotes)
                     ' I was in a funny state' etc.
There were some things that actually offended me. As they were being hypocrites, never once did I say that they looked like a little weak girl when they were in my position.
The thing is I knew what was going on, I wasn't blinded, I was in control of my words and thoughts. Just less inhibited. I was quite mentally in control. But the fact people were talking to me like I was some baby or mentally unaware person downright offended me. I didn't show this at the time, I just walked off. It got annoying that is for sure. I remember everything for GODS SAKES.
Thank goodness one of my other friends knew exactly what I was on about and they empathised with me. The next person who said maybe you should do blah blah blah...I was seriously going to punch them. Seriously.
One thing I hated was that people worried about me. This is the second time I am aware that people do worry when I'm in such a state. And the way they said 'Don't make me worry like that again' that was the point when i felt most like a child being reprimanded by their mother. It made me feel shit. I appreciate that people look out for me as it is usually the other way round but I'd hate to worry someone.
I know a few friends, if they read this they will be like Nataleigh shut up and have a good time, don't make a scene, don't make this bigger than it really is blah blah blah. Well people the next time you are me, then come back and say all that again.
But do I regret anything? No. I woke up with a huge grin on my face because I was free and I had fun.
That is all.

It all started with do you remember...

I'm not perfect. I'm not this person who can be everything you want. I am just a person. Just a human. But the difference between me and another, is that I try...not perfection but to be a good person without any exception to 'I'm only human'.
If we all want to be good people, commit to that then we can. It's just a matter of will power, self control and moreso how much you truly care. If one out of these three are not evident, its not your fault. You're only human...right? Wrong! You don't give up. You get up every time that person knocks you back down, you get right back up, each time is harder but each time shows how much you care.
I am biologically and physically human but I like to think my set of values and principles are stronger and sustainable. They are not these flexible guidelines. Because that is an excuse to cut any responsibility out of your life.
I only genuinely care for a handful of people. It's a harsh reality but it is the truth. If they are hurt, lost and confused then I am there quick-smart, ready to help pick up the pieces. Two pairs of hands are better than one. I'm the listener, the advice giver and just the person to sit with them for the company until they feel whole again. Until they are alright. People can rely on me and I know I can rely on those same people, I try not too because I've been hurt way too many times to count. But so has everyone else it seems.
Though what if roles are reversed.
What if I were the one to hurt one of those very dear people to me?
Once its done its done. You can't go back in time. I wish I could though.
What if it was your strongest point that became  your tragedy.
I have prized myself on having an abundance of self control and will power, basically nothing can get through. Yet after the batterings I've had in recent times, it slowly crumbles allowing for vulnerability to expose itself, allowing me to become weaker. I don't want to excuse myself. Because this person doesn't deserve something that would act like an excuse.
As much as I was scared I still told them the truth, its better than hiding it. They deserve the truth. I know I would want it.
I really don't know what the point of this post was. Just a couple of things on my mind and because that person and I aren't on a steady page, I can't go to them to talk things out. I can't tell them about the shit day I've had. Yet i have to become the person I was....sometimes I think that's better. It was safer.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...(cause I sure do)

That Moment

Somebody's boring is another's memorable.
I have been thinking lately, when don't I think, but recently it came up in a conversation quite randomly that it is those moments that you are sitting with a person in complete silence and doing absolutely nothing that makes it memorable or special. It is only when  you can sit in silence without feeling awkward is when you know that that person is a true friend.
To some, this may seem utterly boring, they'd rather watch paint dry. But it is in these moments we just appreciate somebody's company. No talking required, its just a matter of someone being there.
Everybody, even though they don't explicitly admit it, needs somebody there. Its that warm blanket of comfort that is priceless.
I'm not sure if I'm doing this post justice, it sounded a lot better in my head to be frank.
I guess its the simple things in life that many overlook are the ones that we keep in our hearts the longest. Yet so many due to their busy schedules don't take time to look, to breathe and appreciate the moment. Because its just a snap of the fingers and the moment is over. Well and truly over and even if you try to replicate it, you can never regain that singular moment. That moment was natural, it was raw, it was true. Replication may look like the moment but it won't feel like it. And you know when it feels right.
The moments I may go to a particular park and a smell reminds me of a moment, it may have just been me and my brother kicking a ball around but its a moment that I won't forget. Or the moments when my brother and I played cards with my dad. It is crystal clear, but it is these moments I wish to relive.
People want a movie experience to call their life. My advice is you don't need that Hollywood Magic, look around you because all the magic is right in front of you. You just have to want it enough, be ready to appreciate it to see it.
As they say open your eyes and smell the roses.

It all started with do you remember...

I scream but no one hears me

Silence is our loudest cry
Silent rivers run deep
But they never warned
that silent rivers ran dry.

The Calm

So I have this captain you see,

I am therefore the quartermaster

Would you believe?

Me second in line.

Captain is older I guess.

And truly I am fine :)

I'll take the order

Because it isn't long now

I can clearly see the border

That green lush freedom

Fresh air and sun

And most of all no constriction.

We have meandered

Past the tempting merfolk

Who hook when I have ventered.

They sing a sweet song

Smells of lavender and the Calm

Just have to remember it is not long.

A few yards out of their clutch

They have a deep ulterior motive

and their promises don't mean much

Past the sharks

Ahoy Ahoy

I sing like a new lark.

Up in the sky

The blue, the Calm

Soaring so high

Above it all

Soon enough I will find

After this huge fall

I will climb

And uncover what was deep inside

It all started with do you remember...