Honestly I have nothing to say

You were gone (Looks away ashamed)
Yeah I know....(Looking straight at this meek person, the vulnerable side that is finally melting away)
Why? (Where did this person get their courage from?)
Personal reasons...family events....
*silence*
Though silence it is not awkward but comforting...It is what made them different.
...I had a lot to think about
Really what did you come up with...(why can't this person just back off...how did they become so brave)
*shock* Um...I don't know I am still analyzing my thoughts.
*silence*
Okay you can't tell anyone...You're the only one I have told.
Um thanks...*surprised that they're opening up*
*hesitance* Okay...so I have been thinking a lot lately that is why I haven't been here, I've been thinking so much that I haven't been thinking at all...see that is how complex my mind is...I can't form these thoughts into words, I haven't SPOKEN for a long time...I guess I JUST HAVE NOTHING TO SAY...(in my head: I don't want to speak anymore.) SPEAKING has changed me into you...I don't like it.
*meek voice* Maybe you're not used to it.
*mocking* Maybe you're not used to it...I don't want to get used to it, you're weak...pathetic a BURDEN...nobody likes that. Even if THEY say that I am never. They are lying for me. I don't want to be a charity case...I don't want to feel some of these emotions since I opened up. What have they done NOTHING. Got me back to square one. FEELING is good for NOTHING.
*meek* Don't need to yell?
I mean you can't even stand up, curled up in a ball holding your stomach so that you feel WHOLE. Reality check:You're not...I wish I could say it but you and I both know it is not that simple.
*meek* You don't mean that.
The hell I do...that is the funny part, parts like you don't get it...my sarcasm may be my truth and my truth may be my sarcasm, so seriously you're better off not molding a statue just yet. Because you're view WILL fall apart.
I sit here with pink nails, a white large sloppy joe, leggings and hobo gloves...hair messed...what of it? I'm pretty sure my head is in a good place right about now -.-
*meek* maybe you need to talk to someone...
What do you mean TALK...like actually SPEAK...weren't you listening at all Vulnerable One.
*meek* I was....*finding courage* but sometimes you need to find the right one...
You are not the first to tell me that...but seriously what is it with people telling me what to do lately:
you're not fat
never said i was
well you got angry before
never said i was fat mutti but more like i hate eating all this shit. I've put on weight, i just wanna be healthy again.
Go for runs with vati
I hate running
What do you want for lunch
well i was thinking of waiting till home
no get something now
Well i guess all there is is chips
Do you want fried rice
No
Do you want steamed dim sims
No...I hate dim sims
There is fruit salad do you want that
I can get that at home...I'm not gonna make you pay for chopped up fruit.
*Buys fruit*
*meek voice* Can I just say you seem to be confronting a lot of issues...you can talk to me...
What are you a psychologist...hate that profession.
But I can't say that to everyone because they'd think I'm a bitch.
*shrugs* hmm nothing new there...They only judge because they haven't gotten to know me...partly my fault. oKAY all of my fault.
*director* cut thats a wrap people.
*shakes hands with meek person* Well that was a great shooting day Vulnerable One, see you tomorrow to act again.

Honestly I have nothing to say....................................................except....My nailpolish is PINK : /

It all started with do you remember...

THANK-YOU

I am going to be honest here, I probably never truly appreciated my friends until this year. I admit this with shame because it took a hazardous, turbulent year to make me realise that my friends are important to me. I always thought it was naive for people to think that they'd be friends forever and that after year 12 they are going to stay in contact with each other, and I guess this concept just drove a wedge between my relationships with the most wonderful people in my life.

 I can honestly believe now that my friends will be there when parts of my life turn gray, that now I'd rather not be lonely and that I am not lonely with this great support. In each of their own unique ways I know they are there for me, if it either being a tributed blog, talking on the phone, allowing themselves to be my own personal punching bag, sharing their awesome liking for sick youtube clips that make me crack up with laughter, by pulling a joke that only she can pull, by hugging me so tight that I know that it isn't actually that bad, by telling me to turn off the depressing music, by dropping by my house and being a "comadian", taking all my craptastic, bitchiness on msn due to fatigue though it isn't their fault and the best one is when they just sit there by your side at your most vulnerable of times in silence and though silent you always will know that they are there for you and will listen and support you.

It took me so long to look at them and truly think of them as part of my family and that they aren't one step down the podium, they aren't second best. Because they do not deserve that, they deserve way more. I may not be the best of friends but they put up with me which I'm grateful for because without them I may look like I have it together but their will always be a missing piece, a hole that not many can fill.

I guess I felt like writing this now because a friend, the skateboard angel, said "if you're at a party, you don't have to be bored because it is what you  make it" and I'm not delusional and I know full well he was talking about having fun at a party but life is what you make it, and I don't have to feel lonely if I just opened up to my friends, I have that support there, I just need to give them that chance.

It all started with do you remember...

Shipwrecked...not quite

Captains Diary,

We sailed two weeks ago...cruising a long and then all of a sudden we got bogged. The wee ship stopped in its tracks, and as Captain I had to keep everything under control and calm, to keep the rufflers calm and the boat steady.
But  we got passed that hump and sailed into clear waters for two weeks, no sickness on the boat, no casualties...until these past two days, we came across stormy seas, choppy winds, bruising skies.

But we have survived my crew and I: happy is fine, laughter is content and trust is a bit battered but it will heal...Time heals every wound...It has been dark times but I know I can't live without my kerosene lamps, so there is NO need to worry. I will get through.

But as for now it should be calm seas for a while, as festivities are about to start and we will be cruising on a merry high.

A hoi.

It all started with do you remember...

The silent symphony

The notes and crests rise and fall.
With every breath I look at it all.
All I have done, all I didn't want.
 I didn't see the small font.

There is always a catch
A flipside as I open the hatch;
of truth, honesty and justice
I got it wrong, so how can I trust this.

Its not like a game out of three
Once your stuck you can't be free.
No other chances until the end.
When your finished and even then:

Will sorry be enough
Or was i too rough
That forgiveness is too late
and I was caught in the bait.

Honesty makes you feel brave,
But in actual fact you are its slave.
You speak your mind
and it reels you into find.

That you are the devil upon ones shoulder,
When you are supposed to be their boulder,
You sell them all the bad news,
But in the end you really lose.

By trying to do whats right
You make everything too clear and bright.
So light that your imprisoned with the faces of the fallen,
Their innocent faces, turn to ashen.

They are then tainted black
no return, no turning back.
Their silent 'ohs' speak wonders
and their weak smiles are ones of anger.

You run but can't hide,
It is your duty to confide
and seek truth from the lies
and get rid of the ignorance that cries

Cries to be extinguished
and you feel anguished.
Truth takes its toll
and whats left is someone who is droll.

The silent symphony
the one I cry out subtly.
Rings, and beats with the rhythm,
I need help to fill the empty chasm.


PS... YOU know who you guys are...I'm sorry.

It all started with do you remember...

Chinese Whispers

A game that should be banned like jumanji,  once your in you have to go all the way to the end to be free...and in hope that you never have to come across the game again, ever in your life. Because though drama can be exciting for some, for others it can turn into nightmares-literally- and I'm not kidding.
The game should be played-if ever-in hopes that you know 100% that what is being passed along, doesn't concern other people, can hurt other people if it is said wrong. It is supposed to be a light-hearted game kids play.
Kids yes I may not like to classify myself as one, but I am, we all are when we do an immature childish things that we do...but not all are in the same vein. Some were to help out a friend, some were in the hopes of what I thought was right but obviously was wrong.
The excuse but we are just human, is just an excuse...a lame excuse at that.We are human, when we do something good we pride ourselves on how evolved and intelligent we are but when we do something wrong, we say oh we are just human, mere animals.
Don't play the stupid game because you will get caught in a trap at the end. And one thing you said may be warped and become so convoluted that that wasn't the message you intended at all but how can you say that to someone who you supposedly attacked, when really they weren' t the prime subject but the subject was me.
What I'm trying to say is, don't play the game because it will always win.

It all started with do you remember...

NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE THE BEAUTY OF THIS

I know im gonna regret this

But your not even close to being an asshole if you tried...so try go on, try and I will watch you fail...your the one always pulling the honesty card and you know what you are a hypocrite. so go on try to emphasise how much of asshole you just to make a stupid point. You think it will change anything...I laugh at your attempt at talking to me with more attitude but like everyone and everything in this plastic world...it is just another mask at a masquerade ball.

So join them, take your bow on the stage and perform your heart out. At the end of the day I've met the actor behind the mask, I've peeked backstage and there are a bunch of twisted mic cords, costumes everywhere and broken red shards. Don't worry I won't step on them...I'm not a bitch. I know how you feel.

I know how you feel and yet you try to fool me with your acts that wow the world, that confidence you exude but for me its my strength i hide from...I've performed the same tricks and acts, I've gotten the applause and the encores...you can't fool me. So don't try.

So the next time you talk, you smile, you laugh, you cry, you breathe...check with yourself if that is really you. Or if your just filling in another characters shoes because though we like to dream it is good to have a reality check.

Don't worry your secret is safe with me.

It all started with do you remember...

Circus Act

We are all lined up, straight and narrow.
Straight and narrow is the path we take if we fall off that path its bad,
bad only if one of us don't pick the other up
up is the tight rope that balances in mid air
air is what we feel up on the tall post
we stand steady on this post, though thin it is sturdy
sturdy is how we feel but we know it could get worse
worse is the feeling that you felt when looking how far down the ground is, now...steady.
steady is what i think as i put one step on the tightrope
tightrope sways and i feel anxious
anxious about falling, and if i do whether i could get back up again
Again. I have done this. I fell.
I fell like others.
Others are behind me in front me taking on the same challenge.
Challenge is to keep standing and never to fall.
Fall back to the depths of despair.
Despair is the cycle.
Cycle is never-ending
And Life is a never-ending Circus act.

It all started with do you remember...

FINISHED HOMEWORK FOR ONCE

haha...I've been having a great weekend thanks for asking.
Played guitar went outside let the rabbits out for once, skipped to my hearts content and played footy. haha...then it started to rain. Damn anyway here are some pics.

It all started with do you remember...

There is always a sun along the horizon

It may not be today or tomorrow but the sun will shine once again and when it does, I will appreciate what I have.

I knock.
The door creeps open, thinking this is a good sign I walk in. It is dark and musty.
I can barely see my hand outstretched in front of me and the only light is coming from the pale moonlight.
The door closes. I'm trapped once again and this is what I was afraid of.
I try to find the light switch, for two long.
But after much impatience, frustration I find it.
I click it...
....
....
....
It flickers: one, two...will it keep light, or will it die for good.
...
...
...
It shines, I look around the room and apart from some dust everything is okay. There really was nothing to worry about. My apprehension was unnecessary.
And as I walk through there is a miracle.
For once in this bleak underworld.
....
....
....
the SUN RISES.


it all started with do you remember

Convoluted Perception

Every night I walk up to a house...a house that looms higher than the incandescent streetlamps. It's shadows dim the white light that radiates from the  bulbs. The darkness is a monster in itself, consuming all emotion and leaving you with nothing.
You walk past the once egg-white picket fence that is moulding and flaking like your past relationships.
You notice the over grown grass getting higher and higher, suffocating you but you just don't care. It's too late to cut it. Nothing good will come out of it.
I look at the old, water logged weather board which termites have eaten through. If I cast my mind back it used to hold the sheen of the suns rays but now is dead like the rest.
Walking slowly up the steps I am back to where I always am.
Each standing, waiting to respond.
Silence.
The night larks stop.
Dead Silent.
And Then For The First Time Ever
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
i knock.