YEAR 12 FINISHED WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Everything is going well. Friendships that i thought were slipping have regained speed. We will just see. But I'm just taking things as it comes.
I've even been thinking about selling art and crafts. Just as a hobby. I think it is a good goal. :)

Human Emotion can be so bloody stupid sometimes. It can cause accidents, it can cause incidents and sometimes its just there, in the way of any logical thinking. Overanalysing is not a cognitive process.  It is not at all. It is more an emotional part that has nothing to do with the brain (well it technically does but you get what im trying to say). I have done all of the above.
It can be so stupid in fact that it can hurt people, it can make others overanalyse and thus we have this neverending cycle. Overanalysing we all do it. If you say we don't then you're are not only lying to me but moreso yourselves. Why are you denying it? My friend always asks me. There are reasons. I say. But there are reasons for everything, the reason for the reasons is a different kettle of fish or something along those lines that women phrase. You are human. You overanalyse because you feel threatened, you care, or you dream.
Lately I have let my emotion to get in the way of my 'good temperament'. I have become too feminine, sorry girls. I used to joke about things, let people joke about things. Nothing would get to me. I wouldn't overthink things at all, I'd just let them be. As I've said I have been mighty angry recently. I have no idea why. It is annoying because this takes over my judgement. It makes me think things I wouldn't have if I were in a content mood.
I don't trust many people as it is but it has made me further question whether I should trust the people that I trust now. Yeah I'm a freak. I don't know if you guys do it also.
For instance there are these three little words that someone said to me the other day and no they are not 'I love you' haha, it will be a while for someone to even get to that point with me.  Whatever!!! But no, because of my wavered judgement all I said was 'that's nice'. It just didn't make any sense. Was it a line? It was most likely a line- these thoughts were the one's that ran through my head non-stop.
People think that others overanalyse of people that they really like, in  a romantic way. That is not the case, not at all, its just if you care about that person, if you trust that person or if aren't quite sure if you care more. It is Social Reality. It sucks.
People are complex creatures, they don't necessarily put it all out there. My friends don't allow the rest of the world to see who they truly are underneath that is why it didn't make sense. I don't get it. I probably never will. I don't want to keep questioning things, I want to trust what is said to me, but that is being naive. Ignorance is Bliss but is it really? Is a lie really better than the truth? And then that makes me wonder even more. I always say honesty is the best cure for anything. I'd rather be upfront and honest then deceive someone. Others say sometimes honesty isn't the best thing, you have to protect those you love. But is it really protecting? Or is it just blurring the truth? What if they hear the truth from someone else? Doesn't that hurt more? What if they are having a conversation with someone else and this judgement is somehow muddled, so they believe whatever shocking information comes out of that person's mouth. They believe they have been betrayed. Couldn't the truth at the start have prevented this outcome?
Then you have a minor fight with someone or a major fight with someone and they say all these nice things that make you feel like a fool for even believing someone else's truth. Later I then think, are they just saying these things to smooth things over, cause they can't be bothered, or they know what they did was wrong and they don't want to dig a deeper hole for themselves. I mean what is real! People are always trying to cover themselves, they just put it in a way that appears to be caring for other's wellbeing.
I don't know who or what to believe anymore that is why distancing helps a little, to gain perspective, to make the emotion calm down a little and possibly go. So that it is a clean slate and you can think clearly without this heavy fog blurring your mind and vision.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...

I was being that advice person that every group has the other day. A friend had a predicament and she wanted help with something. My advice was don't waste your time and energy on someone you don't care about. Don't talk about them, don't get angry, don't cry over them, especially when that person obviously doesn't care about you. By doing any of these you are wasting energy, limited energy that us humans have. Energy that should be used towards things that actually make us happy, I was in a shit mood this morning I'm not gonna lie. But it soon turned when I drove to my cousins house. I haven't hung out with these guys in a long time. Seeing as school is no more, I have the time to spend quality time. We went to the park and the sunshine was so satisfying that I rather be happy then think about anybody that makes me angry.
Just goes to show people should take their own advice and if they can't how can anybody else?

Just something to think about.

It all started with do you remember...

It can be pissing down rain, it can be storming, it can be freezing but today I do not care at all. I do not give a shit. Today I am happy. I can't stop laughing, my cheeks hurt from smiling. Had a great day with mum. Good Luck all around. I got a dress (yes i actually went shopping -.-, i bought a ring) my lit exam went pretty good I reckon.

SIGHHHHHHHHHH. I AM JUST SO FRIGGEN HAPPY.

it all started with do you remember..

There is this special woman in my life that I'd like to stop studying and just talk about her for a while.
People look at her and they get disgusted. She does look worse for wear. The weight of a million dreads, lost hopes, and lack of self worth round her shoulders. She is carrying all this physical weight. Most of it is fluid, it has become a condition in the past decade. But she doesn't see the fluid. She sees the weight, the weight is a reminder of all she has lost, the degradation and constant inner conflict within herself. I could just imagine how regretful she would be. She regrets her decisions, she regrets her lack of motivation, she regrets her impact on our family. She regrets it all. She feels like she is never good enough, with a brother that is pushing her to move in life, out of the deepest love may I add (the love he has for his sister is phenomenal, truly), but there is always this hunch that she feels like she is just a waste of space. She has been given this life that because of her past has impacted on wasting it in the future. This precious life that she just sits down on her laptop and does not have the self respect to even try and change her ways.
Then there are her eyes. Her eyes that hold years of pain and suffering physical, mental and emotional...but definitely emotional. The large brown eyes that are full of woe. It is in every step, every heavy breath, just a heave to move. Now she isn't morbidly obese. It is just painful. Every year more deterioration occurs.
I love this woman so bloody much that it friggen kills me inside to see her like this. She is my constant worry. My family's constant worry but moreso my dad's constant worry. He used to have jetblack hair even when he was fifty but recently I can see the signs of stress. The exhaustion in his voice when he says that she is in hospital again, when she is off the list, when she has been kicked out. A sister falling to pieces.
He comes back most nights, late from the hospital, as he visits her most nights, and when he isn't he usually is out anyway. He comes back angry, bitter and exhausted and I can't blame him.
Whenever she smokes I feel like yelling at her, saying 'what the f*ck are you doing?, you have asthma, you are in bad condition, and you bloody don't help yourself.' Some days I get so angry. Not many people can get me angry, I don't waste anger on those I do not love. Even then not many can light my fuse. But she can. She just has to sit there and I get angry. Moreso I get angry within myself because I know its not her fault. Sure she could try and change, but I am not her, I am healthy, I am strong-willed I can't judge what I don't know. I get angry at myself for getting angry at her. I love her there is no denying that, I feel for her. I wish I could help, but I can't. All I can do is spend time with her which has been inevitable this week. Which is a good thing. But at the start of this whole ordeal I was thinking selfishly and I am ashamed of that. I get angry at her divorced husband, I get angry at all the people who put her down in her childhood. I am so fired up I could punch a wall and I probably would knowing it would break my hand, I kinda need to write tomorrow. I just want to find all these people and guilt them for what they have done, either consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't deserve any of this f*cking shit. She is still young 49, and she acts like a 2 year old but also physically aches like an 80 year old. It hurts. It truly does.
She has never stopped loving me. I remember her teaching me how to play Monopoly, or us baking, she tells me of stories of when I was younger and though she repeats them all the time I don't care. Because she is smiling and she is happy. I know this happiness is just a slither of positivity and I'm not naive enough to believe that she is genuinely happy but in those moments she is.Her niece and nephews all five of us are everything to her. She cares so much. She has a heart of gold, she used to have have all of this ambition and this drive, that I am told that I have, She is so intelligent, she knows all these facts and figures about everything. The living encyclopedia.
 If i could do one thing, I would want to give her a new lease on life.
Another thing I know is that this post doesn't give her justice.

It all started with do you remember...

Brown Paper Bag

A brown paper bag?
What do they behold?
It must be innocent?
The knowledge is worth gold?

It's mysterious lure
Sings to me.
Its hidden nature
Does not want to be seen.

Brown Paper Bag
You are a device.
To hide and conceal.
Someone's demise.

Death is not just for the dead.
It is to define a termination.
My heart turns to lead.
Who is next?

Is it the grog bearer?
Or the druggie?
The meds taker?
Or the baby?

Is it the grandma?
Bedridden.
Deteriorating.
Full of old.

The brown paper bag
With her meds.
Yet they don't help.
Her sighs and dreads.

Bag? It is more than that
Au Revoir!
I take off my hat.
I leave and I am gone.

That bag is more than bags.
It is a reminder.
Down it drags.
Suffocating the finder will find.
And the willbearer will deny
That she closed both her eyes.

It all started with do you remember

Beginners Luck

Or was it really Beginner's Luck.
When I was little I used to watch my dad make pancakes as I did with mum as she made scones. They really do complete each other those too.
Today my parents were out, as I was studying, but for breakfast I had a plan to attempt to make pancakes. I haven't seen dad do them in ages, but I wasn't apprehensive in a bit. I was quite excited. So my brother was watching me as I put in the ingredients. He is like do you know the recipe. I said not exactly. But I was just going off instinct, remembering how my dad did everything. To my happiness I got the right consistency...how did I know it was right? I didn't, I just had a feeling. Now to cook them...I thought they may not be fluffy, but I let them set for a while and fingers crossed, they actually turned out quite fluffy. I was so surprised that my unthought plan had worked. Now Psychologists would be lead to believe that I portrayed Latent learning. This is learning without the need of reinforcement, the skills and learnt information that has been observed or such is hidden until needed. I have never made pancakes, and I just went on instincts.
Now being a blogger I have to link everything to some philosophical point, or maybe it is because I am female teenager. Anyway, I think the key point is that you gotta leave things up to your instincts. Not enough people do it. They try to control everything, every little thing. I think people have to step back and believe in there ownselves. They don't give themselves the credit.
I have found that the most spontaneous of outings have lead to some of my greatest memories, challenging myself and allowing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. The most spontaneous recipes have lead to my parents wanting to know my recipe. Sure I could tell the ingredients but the measurements weren't calculated, it was based off my instinct. I think that is why my nonna's food is so great, she doesn't abide by the measurements, she does it based off her own knowledge, and her passion for food as does my dad. They both creatively express themselves through food, trusting in their own skills and knowledge of flavours and such.
I think I'm a more freeing person, a more instinctual. If something doesn't feel right in my gut its mostly because its the wrong thing. We were born instinctual. We are animals as much as many people like to forget. Bottom line is before all these rules, before society tried to control things, even before the bartering system, fixed action patterns or such knowledge that was predispositioned such as instinct in order to survive.
My psychology exam is tomorrow so after today there is no more distinct references :) Good Luck to me I guess! Also good luck to anyone else doing exams.

It all started with do you remember...

To be honest with y'all I have no idea who reads this blog, if they follow it or read every post, if so I am quite sorry for the inconsistency in posting, now that school is over I'm sure it will pick up again. I mean this is my second post today.
So I have been home alone a lot lately, my brother is at school and I'm revising for my upcoming exams. I love being home alone, gives me the independence I enjoy, also allows me to think a lot. To not have other voices in your head bar your own. This is quite good, unless you are in time in your life that you rather ignore your voice in your head for whatever reason.
Anyway today I realised something. Something that made me step back and go Oh! Yeah it's another Oh! moment. Probably by the end of this post y'all would think I regard myself highly or I'm into myself. This is not the case. I don't think I give myself enough credit or so I am told. This is why I am stooged by to many people. Being alone does something to you, it makes you realise that you can take care of yourself, you do not need to depend on anyone. It is a nice feeling. It also shows how many people truly care about you, whether they think about you, want to talk to you or not. I don't know if it is loneliness or naivete that I'm writing this, cause of course people care about me. Of course they do because they tell me. But is it the h truth? That is still the question on my mind. You say you miss me, you say you feel lonely when you don't see me, yet you don't call or text? At first I was bothered with this, but then I thought that is stupid, if they don't wanna talk then why should I care, save my breath for someone else. I think it was a shock because it was so confusing. People saying one thing and behaving in a totally different way, unless they are talking to more important people. I honestly don't need it. I think I should respect myself a little more!
I am always the person putting in the bloody effort to maintain friendships, if it weren't for me they wouldn't last as long. I would text first in the past, I would call, I would keep the conversation going. Because if I didn't I would've thought I didn't put enough effort in. But I realised I usually care more for the other person than they do for me. It is kinda funny. That I just realised this at the end of Year 12 where it depends on contact if you stay friends with your close buds. Will it be me making the first move? Well I have been, bar one, it was a complete surprise that they text me. It was nice. If this person knew who they were, they are a great guy and I appreciated the random conversation.
So yeah I have put in so much effort, I'll just have to see if those people do the same. If not, its a harsh reality but I can't be bothered anymore. I can't be bothered being the suck. Maybe I'm better without them. I don't entirely know. Right now I'm doing well. Shit has piled onto my life but I'm the one cleaning it up with no help so it says a lot about what I am capable of. I reckon this year I became a little too dependent than I usual. I used to be this strong, independent person. I think I'm gonna look into her again. I think it is time that she makes an appearance for good. It is easier, I know how to let her go a little to depend on someone sometimes because you need that companionship, and to depend is to trust. But she won't be pushed too far into non existence.
I'm realising the person I want to be again. It is refreshing. It is exciting.
Welcome back Nat!

It all started with do you remember...

I guess all the year 12's are quite relieved as we all finished our English Exam yesterday. 3 hours and two essays, one language analysis later I was stuffed. So bloody tired it was unbelievable. Whose Reality has been a large subject in my late English curriculum so when something happens in my life, there is no surprise I find many connections to it.
If I hadn't done Psychology I would've had a vague, superficial knowledge of Sigmund Freud. Yet Psychology has taught me that all of my deeper conflicts within myself can be shown through my behaviour, thought processes and dreams. Anyone heard of Freudian slips? Yeah they are a bugger.
Why are they pushed down to ones subconscious  Well it seems that many of us like to control many aspects of our lives, so when something doesn't go according to plan then one pushes it so far out of their consciousness that it remains or appears to remain hidden. These little techniques are called defence mechanisms and Freud was very passionate with utilising them in many of his theories, such as the Psychodynamic Theory. (Can you tell I'm revising for my Psychology Exam that is on Monday?)
Now I may be sounding a little like Freud himself, not really explaining what I'm trying to say in this post, is this a point to all of this? Well that depends on perspective!
So lately there have been a few social crisis' in my life. I have been putting them subconsciously out of my consciousness because I pretend to feel that they are unimportant to me; because there are larger, shittier things happening to other people right? So I should be appreciative and not complain. This has been my little philosophy lately, I guess it stemmed from my constant watching of Battle Scars by Guy Sebastian and Lupe. Love the song, and it is a metaphorical message clearly showing that everybody has scars, that determine their own person. Back on topic, so because of this philosophy my behaviour has changed due to my thought processes, I have become more withdrawn, silent concerned that I may complain. It's is irrational I know. Not yet a phobia because it isn't that excessive. Anyway, I may be pushing all this shit out of my brain, I may be denying it and masking it or whatnot but when I sleep, I have no control of the subjects that appear. I have been having reoccurring dreams lately. Not exactly the same flow or story but they all draw on the same meaning. It is basically me letting down my friends. Either abandoning them, lying to them. This latest one I couldn't stretch myself out enough to cater for all of them, so when one wanted me to hang out with them, then the others were abandoned. They get pissed and I feel guilty. Now, I'm not saying that I have trouble with sharing myself among friends. The most important part of these dreams is that I feel guilty. That I will hurt my friends and by this they will feel abandoned. Thus, I do not want it to get to this stage, and I won't let it because I used to be a great friend. One of the most loyal people and I am not ashamed to admit that.
Reoccuring dreams are trying to send someone a message about their deepest concerns in my case. To stop the pattern one must change. According to the CBT (cognitive behavioural treatment) that is used on many phobias and addictions. The cognitive part is to examine thought processes and display how this thinking is impacting on their behaviour. The behaviour component is ways to limit the unwanted behaviour. Change the way one thinks, you change the way they behave.

That is all...I hope you learned a few things hahaha. This actually better help me academically too!
And if you read this all, then here is a little video, that I am kinda obsessed with lately.

It all started with do you remember...