You know who you are.
Or do you?
Do you actually know...you say you know more.
But this, this you will deny for another thousand years.
I can say it, I can sing it, I can whisper it from the rawness of my heart.
But you will not know.
You will deny. You will argue. Why? Why? Why?
Does it really matter why?
I'm not sure if it is loss of self worth or
That you are truly oblivious at the kind of person you are.
Though you can calm the seas
You can produce storms of power.
Power that overcomes me with the type of anger I never knew I could have.
It doesn't happen with many people. But now it sure has happened.
It has happened alright.
I am so so angry I could punch you and actually knock you out.
Whoa Whoa there Sonny Jim stop proclaiming how wrong I am but stop. Listen. And Think.
Stop proclaiming.
Listen to the frustration in my voice.
And think...think why I may be like this.
I am so angry at you, so very VERY angry.
But it is the type of anger that occurs when you care so much that every other emotion doesn't have enough power to reveal itself.
I care so bloody much to one point I believed I should care no more.
But dear, I was wrong.
I don't worry. But I hurt. It pains me to see you like this.
It pains me that I can see but can't do.
Maybe if i backed off...but NO. It made things worse.
It made things change.
Stuff is Weird.
It sure is kid. You don't say, you hide. You back away, back back into that hole. Like a mouse, not even cheese can tempt.
I believed if I let go, you'd sound eventually.
But I believe that made the abyss swallowing you seem that much more darker...and yes scarier.
I could be totally wrong here.
I thought I knew you...kind of. But I had kept trying to get to know you, however hard that may have been, to the point I believed our friendship was gold.
Then things slipped. Time ticked. I felt YOU WERE GONE.
Days past, angrier and angrier, blacker and blacker.
But I realised. This will not help.
I care and that is all you need to know
I will always ask how you are....even if you say you are fine.
I will always say talk to me...even if you tell me to not worry.
I will always say aww whats wrong...even if I know you will not tell me. (though once upon a time you did)
I will always stand by your side...even if you try to walk away.
And when you slip...I will catch you.
And when that quicksand is up to your neck...I will be your rope.
You won't care for this message, you won't grab hold, you won't let me walk beside you...though you make sure you do for me.
But you can scream. You can speak abuse to me. You can fight me.
I will be there.
Don't ever doubt it. (You just did)
You once promised me something, you have broken it. But I'll still be there.
I'll be there to sing, to shine and to just. be. there.
Until you say.
Go Away.
I will hesitate...of course I will, to just be broken with two little words. But if you don't want your friend anymore, I will go. Because you told me too. Because I care.
Because I bloody well care.
Stuff. Is. Weird. Three Little Words. 1000 Mile Gaze. It all sinks in. You my friend could not have said it any better. It may be informal, not the best use of vocabulary but that is all that was needed to be said. There is nothing clear than those Three Little Words. Why didn't I respond with 'It sure is kid' instead I pressed. Never press. Maybe I should've said 'Yeah I know the feeling' and then conversation would've sprouted instead of this long drawn out silence. Because Stuff. Is. Weird. I don't know what this person was referring too but for me its all these ties. This ball of yarn is loosening and I can physically see it and feel it. I feel like that I'm surrounded by people but yet isolated at the same time. Because Stuff. Is. Weird.
Things have changed. 'Things always change...yeah they may but I don't have to like it'. Things can change in the smallest of ways, a night out, a chill sesh or even in a phone call. It happens, sure it does but though I try to hide the fact that it I have to not care for these things it still hurts to see it. Stuff. Is. Weird. That it feels like when you admit to the most dangerous things that that is when they run away. It's that running away where you can just see they are never coming back because they don't look back once but keep on running. The back of their heads just disappearing through the fog. I was content where things were at last term, this term not so much. People slipping away, and I don't want to tighten my grip in case they slip away faster. These people I thought would be my 'best mate'...s for a long time, that would come to my wedding and sing the bride and groom's favorite song. All I wanna know is where did it go? How did it change so quickly? Why did it have to change at all? I was content...more than content. Now........................................eh. I tried to appreciate every day, I did appreciate every day to the point where I paused during moments and savoured the laughter and smiles...the deep conversations that seem to be non existent now. I don't know what I have done wrong, but for whatever it is...I'm sorry. There are days when I just want to be a massive smartass because the compassion and care and...hurt are just too much and I don't want to show. I definitely don't want to show them if that is gonna make people stop talking to me about their life because I am somewhat vulnerable and 'can't handle it'.
Anyway that's all I want to say now...I reckon that was even a little too much but I'm at a point right now that I don't have one single person in my life that I'd feel like I want to tell. I have come to a point of no care about ranting on the internet. There are no names in this and the people that this does concern wouldn't even have me in the back of their mind to care. Not anymore anyway.
Ahoy Me Harrrrties
Where shall I begin. We were on clear crystal waters not long ago, the sky was blue and as sturdy as my wooden peg. The lads were getting lazy again, sunbaking but that was okay, because they were all in check. Then out of no where Emotions up on the callers post cried 'Hail Hail...Cyclone Ahead'. The ship and all me mates were flung wildly without much notice, mostly not understanding what was going on. Panic rushed, we had one of these last year. Blood rushed, I hope its not annual. Fear sank and so did the anchor. Down Down Down. Down to the depths of the deep blue sea. That is our No Man's Land.
But shhh. Can you hear? Look to quick and you may think its over but by Jove! It is just the eye of the storm. The calm, the deceit...the opening of vulnerability for some foreign pirates to take over and so they did!. We were anchored, no where to move or run and a part of the crew did not want to be the one to move that anchor, it may just be a little comfortable, staying in the same deep way.
Foreigners jumped the already wrecked ship. The foreigner Fatigue took Motivation and Care. They were going off to travel to the land of Numb. Yet on the ship, we were flabberghasted, shocked. How could it have happened all over again? Emotion was out of his wits! It has been years since he had added to the salty water of the deep blue.
I guess that is what happens when you don't hassle your crew! You don't keep on your toes!...or Peg.
It will be a long and strenuous time rebuilding, all of the splinters and waterlogged areas. Buffering and Polishing. Making it good as new, stronger for the next time...hopefully there is no next time. In the mean time we are on the voyage to the land of Numb to retrieve Motivation and Care back in our arms.
'Hail Hail...Ship Ahoy Ship Ahoy'...what will we make of this? Another ship?
Lines...we all use them. We'd be lying if we said we didn't. But what makes them alright and not would be what we are trying to infer by saying them. We use them to save our ass when we are in a tricky situation, the last time somebody asks you something and you just want to get out of the situation without hurting their feelings...you use a line. We use them to make somebody feel better...many of us claim that we are honest but when it comes to the crunch could you really look in someones eyes and tell them something that may very well crush them inside and obliterate all hope. You say 'It will get better'...'Just have faith'...'It is alright'...'It will sort itself out'. Anyone done that? Of course you have. We do it because we care, because deep down we don't want to be the one that brings down the black curtain over their eyes, the one that makes them cry because selfishly that doesn't feel good. We use lines to make somebody's day, to just see a smile on their dile and to know that you were the purpose, the one to make that happen. It may not be entirely true but to make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world. Sure these may all be a little selfish for us, to make us feel like good people..but is it the right thing to do? Depending who you ask....if you ask those who use lines to manipulate people to give them what they want and desire, who are focused on one thing, to make that person feel so special when in reality it is the fifth time they have said it to another female then the above is nothing to them. If you use lines to make someone feel better and only use those sort of lines then you may feel it is not right at all, sure at the time it seems like a good idea, but is it such a good idea when they find out the truth...that the person they trusted the most to get the truth out of lied to them...it is a lie. Maybe its what you call a white lie but a lie all the same.
I mean now I think about it...how many lines have been used on me...and what were they for...? We will never know. The only people you hope that do not use lines on you are your closest friends or best friend, whichever you prefer...Because to be frank that would just suck. Those are the people you trust to be honest with you no matter what, yet they tell you 'Nataleigh it was a line' when talking about someone else....if it so easy for them to do that...how could I trust I don't get the same treatment. Yet it goes back to trust....and if you've been a follower of my blog, you can tell i have issues with that concept and that only recently I have been able to trust a certain few, enough to tell them my secrets, to let them know on what i think of them or the world...but I have my days where i trust them and days where I don't...or lack that trust. I don't know if other people feel the same. It just depends on what has happened during the day or my mood, which for you people that don't know me can be temperamental at times. Sooooo...whats in a best friend...?
I guess if you find the right person it could be good...if you find someone that is not clingy it could be marvellous, someone you could share most of your secrets to, act foolish around, and insult without feeling shame or guilt because they know that at the end of the day they will have my back as I would have theirs...when I care about someone, I care about them and not much can change that. Loyalty lies deep within me so my best friend would have to be pretty loyal, yet if I were in the wrong, tell me I'm in the wrong even if I don't want to hear it. My best friend would need to not be shy of phone calls, texting is so difficult and tiresome sometimes. A good phone call is always good. You may not be talking the whole day like texting, but a couple of hours of actual laughter rather than 'lmao, lol, and hahahaha' makes you feel better as it is genuine and not just used as a fill in. My best friend would definitely need to know when I'm being sarcastic and genuine...usually im sarcastic a lot, and if they get annoyed at that, well too bad for them. Its my thing, I adopted it a few years ago and its stuck...and they can't take it personally. Because thats just stupid. and Trust. I don't even know how I got talking about this...in the past I had a couple of best friends...but went on to be a lone ranger, its just way easier...now I have no idea if I'm floating and have close friends or what...but if I do have a rather closer friend Id rather not label it, there is no need for that superficiality. I'd rather it go unsaid. I've never really needed a best friend...well thats what I think, others see differently...but I guess it would be nice for a change. I wouldn't know. I'm just rambling now.
Yeahhh I just turned 18 guyyyys. Woopty Doo!...Jokes I was actually quite excited. And at one point during the night my aunty asks me 'Do you feel any different? Have you changed?' I looked at her like she had grown two heads and scoffed at the idea of changing in the space of a day. I said I feel the same as I've always been. I am the same person I've always been. Little did I know though I had changed. Quite a lot too. It was this blog actually, it had triggered my memory of who I used to be at the age of 17. The reason I made this blog was initially to trigger others memories and reminisce of the good old days, bringing up moralistic issues that many would face and try to give my understanding on certain topics. But recently it has been a cry of dark emotions, blurted out in a pretty form...to be honest its pathetic. I know it. You know it. It has gotta stop. When I was looking through some of the older posts and what I was writing down I was thinking about how mature I sounded, how sure I was of myself, how this blog was being used for the audience and not selfishly for me. Because whatever I write on here must be realised that it will be read by different people. Now that I am older I actually should stop the 'I'm an adult card' though i don't ever actually do that...just for purposes of this post and take a leaf out of my 17 year old self. I should be more positive and I should use this blog for better purposes than I have been. Accounting the good things that happen rather than moping the bad...in reality moping gets you nowhere. Sure I can't just say I should be my 17 year old self totally because if it wasn't for the experiences I have been through, found the friends that I know can actually withhold a friendship for more than 6 months and grown from all of that, I wouldn't be a person that many people are proud of today. We all change and though we never saw it and thought 'I am the same as last year' we really are not. It has been a slow, gradual change, every time you make a decision is a time when you are changing. Change is to allow us to progress, to move forward...without this progression we'd stay the same, not learn anything from past consequences, good and bad, but just replay over and over and over again...that is pretty boring.
So yes I have changed. I have changed a lot since I started this blog which was around the same time this year. And I am glad I have.
