To be honest with y'all I have no idea who reads this blog, if they follow it or read every post, if so I am quite sorry for the inconsistency in posting, now that school is over I'm sure it will pick up again. I mean this is my second post today.
So I have been home alone a lot lately, my brother is at school and I'm revising for my upcoming exams. I love being home alone, gives me the independence I enjoy, also allows me to think a lot. To not have other voices in your head bar your own. This is quite good, unless you are in time in your life that you rather ignore your voice in your head for whatever reason.
Anyway today I realised something. Something that made me step back and go Oh! Yeah it's another Oh! moment. Probably by the end of this post y'all would think I regard myself highly or I'm into myself. This is not the case. I don't think I give myself enough credit or so I am told. This is why I am stooged by to many people. Being alone does something to you, it makes you realise that you can take care of yourself, you do not need to depend on anyone. It is a nice feeling. It also shows how many people truly care about you, whether they think about you, want to talk to you or not. I don't know if it is loneliness or naivete that I'm writing this, cause of course people care about me. Of course they do because they tell me. But is it the h truth? That is still the question on my mind. You say you miss me, you say you feel lonely when you don't see me, yet you don't call or text? At first I was bothered with this, but then I thought that is stupid, if they don't wanna talk then why should I care, save my breath for someone else. I think it was a shock because it was so confusing. People saying one thing and behaving in a totally different way, unless they are talking to more important people. I honestly don't need it. I think I should respect myself a little more!
I am always the person putting in the bloody effort to maintain friendships, if it weren't for me they wouldn't last as long. I would text first in the past, I would call, I would keep the conversation going. Because if I didn't I would've thought I didn't put enough effort in. But I realised I usually care more for the other person than they do for me. It is kinda funny. That I just realised this at the end of Year 12 where it depends on contact if you stay friends with your close buds. Will it be me making the first move? Well I have been, bar one, it was a complete surprise that they text me. It was nice. If this person knew who they were, they are a great guy and I appreciated the random conversation.
So yeah I have put in so much effort, I'll just have to see if those people do the same. If not, its a harsh reality but I can't be bothered anymore. I can't be bothered being the suck. Maybe I'm better without them. I don't entirely know. Right now I'm doing well. Shit has piled onto my life but I'm the one cleaning it up with no help so it says a lot about what I am capable of. I reckon this year I became a little too dependent than I usual. I used to be this strong, independent person. I think I'm gonna look into her again. I think it is time that she makes an appearance for good. It is easier, I know how to let her go a little to depend on someone sometimes because you need that companionship, and to depend is to trust. But she won't be pushed too far into non existence.
I'm realising the person I want to be again. It is refreshing. It is exciting.
Welcome back Nat!

It all started with do you remember...

I guess all the year 12's are quite relieved as we all finished our English Exam yesterday. 3 hours and two essays, one language analysis later I was stuffed. So bloody tired it was unbelievable. Whose Reality has been a large subject in my late English curriculum so when something happens in my life, there is no surprise I find many connections to it.
If I hadn't done Psychology I would've had a vague, superficial knowledge of Sigmund Freud. Yet Psychology has taught me that all of my deeper conflicts within myself can be shown through my behaviour, thought processes and dreams. Anyone heard of Freudian slips? Yeah they are a bugger.
Why are they pushed down to ones subconscious  Well it seems that many of us like to control many aspects of our lives, so when something doesn't go according to plan then one pushes it so far out of their consciousness that it remains or appears to remain hidden. These little techniques are called defence mechanisms and Freud was very passionate with utilising them in many of his theories, such as the Psychodynamic Theory. (Can you tell I'm revising for my Psychology Exam that is on Monday?)
Now I may be sounding a little like Freud himself, not really explaining what I'm trying to say in this post, is this a point to all of this? Well that depends on perspective!
So lately there have been a few social crisis' in my life. I have been putting them subconsciously out of my consciousness because I pretend to feel that they are unimportant to me; because there are larger, shittier things happening to other people right? So I should be appreciative and not complain. This has been my little philosophy lately, I guess it stemmed from my constant watching of Battle Scars by Guy Sebastian and Lupe. Love the song, and it is a metaphorical message clearly showing that everybody has scars, that determine their own person. Back on topic, so because of this philosophy my behaviour has changed due to my thought processes, I have become more withdrawn, silent concerned that I may complain. It's is irrational I know. Not yet a phobia because it isn't that excessive. Anyway, I may be pushing all this shit out of my brain, I may be denying it and masking it or whatnot but when I sleep, I have no control of the subjects that appear. I have been having reoccurring dreams lately. Not exactly the same flow or story but they all draw on the same meaning. It is basically me letting down my friends. Either abandoning them, lying to them. This latest one I couldn't stretch myself out enough to cater for all of them, so when one wanted me to hang out with them, then the others were abandoned. They get pissed and I feel guilty. Now, I'm not saying that I have trouble with sharing myself among friends. The most important part of these dreams is that I feel guilty. That I will hurt my friends and by this they will feel abandoned. Thus, I do not want it to get to this stage, and I won't let it because I used to be a great friend. One of the most loyal people and I am not ashamed to admit that.
Reoccuring dreams are trying to send someone a message about their deepest concerns in my case. To stop the pattern one must change. According to the CBT (cognitive behavioural treatment) that is used on many phobias and addictions. The cognitive part is to examine thought processes and display how this thinking is impacting on their behaviour. The behaviour component is ways to limit the unwanted behaviour. Change the way one thinks, you change the way they behave.

That is all...I hope you learned a few things hahaha. This actually better help me academically too!
And if you read this all, then here is a little video, that I am kinda obsessed with lately.

It all started with do you remember...

It's okay

That sweet sound that resurfaces some dusty nostalgia is what truly tells me that Summer is here. The ice-cream truck.
Sure, the days were getting intensely hotter, i was having a couple of uncomfortable sleeps, though waking up refreshed, i wore boxers instead of pants, and the talk of going to the beach was coming from so many people's mouths. I'm not sure if it was the exams rock I was living under, but it wasn't until a couple of minutes ago that Summer had sunk in. That sweet scent of Summer's air equating to summer drives with no destination, relaxing holidays and catching up with all my friends seems closer than expected.
Exams are closer than expected. Tomorrow I have my English. I am a little apprehensive on that. But how it goes. It goes. This afternoon I have put my head down and tried to study hard. Lately i haven't felt that motivated. But that is okay because the sooner I realised that, the sooner I could do something about it.
It is quite surprising that my dependence on facebook has diminished. I don't feel the need to know everyone's problems, everyone's complaints, because naturally that is all people usually do on Facebook.
This comes to another oh so random point that crossed my mind. People say that people with a blog are part of the narcissistic population. I think different. Sure, I rant on here, I have vented on here. But most of all I like to think I can give people different perspective, a new insight into the worlds smallest of things, to get inspired to creatively express themselves.
A lot of this stuff is quite dark at times, and I don't regret telling you guys cryptically or not so cryptically depending on how many of you guys think you know how to read me.
Yes another post that may be seen as pointless, but to me it is not. I've quit with the apologising for natural things I do. I've quit complaining. And I've quit dwelling on the things I don't quite understand, because that is alright.

It all started with do you remember...

The thing about drunks

Now this post may be very bias, as everybody is different. A friend of mine said last night that some people aren't in control when they are drunk and others are.
Last night I was drunk, the reasons why I let myself get to this state were personal ones and it all came down to putting those little niggling boxes away and just having fun. Having a blast.
I walked in with my wine bottle (yes I'm all class :p) and yes I drank it all. I didn't feel the effects until it equated to the fifth standard drink. For me, for a little girl, I think I did well. My experience was things, movements went a little faster than usual, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sick, my balance was horrible though when I'm sober it is horrible also and I felt free, just bloody carefree.
Not many people are used to me in this state.
I got told that 'I looked awful'
                     'I looked like someone had just raped me' (these are all quotes)
                     ' I was in a funny state' etc.
There were some things that actually offended me. As they were being hypocrites, never once did I say that they looked like a little weak girl when they were in my position.
The thing is I knew what was going on, I wasn't blinded, I was in control of my words and thoughts. Just less inhibited. I was quite mentally in control. But the fact people were talking to me like I was some baby or mentally unaware person downright offended me. I didn't show this at the time, I just walked off. It got annoying that is for sure. I remember everything for GODS SAKES.
Thank goodness one of my other friends knew exactly what I was on about and they empathised with me. The next person who said maybe you should do blah blah blah...I was seriously going to punch them. Seriously.
One thing I hated was that people worried about me. This is the second time I am aware that people do worry when I'm in such a state. And the way they said 'Don't make me worry like that again' that was the point when i felt most like a child being reprimanded by their mother. It made me feel shit. I appreciate that people look out for me as it is usually the other way round but I'd hate to worry someone.
I know a few friends, if they read this they will be like Nataleigh shut up and have a good time, don't make a scene, don't make this bigger than it really is blah blah blah. Well people the next time you are me, then come back and say all that again.
But do I regret anything? No. I woke up with a huge grin on my face because I was free and I had fun.
That is all.

It all started with do you remember...

I'm not perfect. I'm not this person who can be everything you want. I am just a person. Just a human. But the difference between me and another, is that I try...not perfection but to be a good person without any exception to 'I'm only human'.
If we all want to be good people, commit to that then we can. It's just a matter of will power, self control and moreso how much you truly care. If one out of these three are not evident, its not your fault. You're only human...right? Wrong! You don't give up. You get up every time that person knocks you back down, you get right back up, each time is harder but each time shows how much you care.
I am biologically and physically human but I like to think my set of values and principles are stronger and sustainable. They are not these flexible guidelines. Because that is an excuse to cut any responsibility out of your life.
I only genuinely care for a handful of people. It's a harsh reality but it is the truth. If they are hurt, lost and confused then I am there quick-smart, ready to help pick up the pieces. Two pairs of hands are better than one. I'm the listener, the advice giver and just the person to sit with them for the company until they feel whole again. Until they are alright. People can rely on me and I know I can rely on those same people, I try not too because I've been hurt way too many times to count. But so has everyone else it seems.
Though what if roles are reversed.
What if I were the one to hurt one of those very dear people to me?
Once its done its done. You can't go back in time. I wish I could though.
What if it was your strongest point that became  your tragedy.
I have prized myself on having an abundance of self control and will power, basically nothing can get through. Yet after the batterings I've had in recent times, it slowly crumbles allowing for vulnerability to expose itself, allowing me to become weaker. I don't want to excuse myself. Because this person doesn't deserve something that would act like an excuse.
As much as I was scared I still told them the truth, its better than hiding it. They deserve the truth. I know I would want it.
I really don't know what the point of this post was. Just a couple of things on my mind and because that person and I aren't on a steady page, I can't go to them to talk things out. I can't tell them about the shit day I've had. Yet i have to become the person I was....sometimes I think that's better. It was safer.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...(cause I sure do)

That Moment

Somebody's boring is another's memorable.
I have been thinking lately, when don't I think, but recently it came up in a conversation quite randomly that it is those moments that you are sitting with a person in complete silence and doing absolutely nothing that makes it memorable or special. It is only when  you can sit in silence without feeling awkward is when you know that that person is a true friend.
To some, this may seem utterly boring, they'd rather watch paint dry. But it is in these moments we just appreciate somebody's company. No talking required, its just a matter of someone being there.
Everybody, even though they don't explicitly admit it, needs somebody there. Its that warm blanket of comfort that is priceless.
I'm not sure if I'm doing this post justice, it sounded a lot better in my head to be frank.
I guess its the simple things in life that many overlook are the ones that we keep in our hearts the longest. Yet so many due to their busy schedules don't take time to look, to breathe and appreciate the moment. Because its just a snap of the fingers and the moment is over. Well and truly over and even if you try to replicate it, you can never regain that singular moment. That moment was natural, it was raw, it was true. Replication may look like the moment but it won't feel like it. And you know when it feels right.
The moments I may go to a particular park and a smell reminds me of a moment, it may have just been me and my brother kicking a ball around but its a moment that I won't forget. Or the moments when my brother and I played cards with my dad. It is crystal clear, but it is these moments I wish to relive.
People want a movie experience to call their life. My advice is you don't need that Hollywood Magic, look around you because all the magic is right in front of you. You just have to want it enough, be ready to appreciate it to see it.
As they say open your eyes and smell the roses.

It all started with do you remember...

I scream but no one hears me

Silence is our loudest cry
Silent rivers run deep
But they never warned
that silent rivers ran dry.