The thing about drunks

Now this post may be very bias, as everybody is different. A friend of mine said last night that some people aren't in control when they are drunk and others are.
Last night I was drunk, the reasons why I let myself get to this state were personal ones and it all came down to putting those little niggling boxes away and just having fun. Having a blast.
I walked in with my wine bottle (yes I'm all class :p) and yes I drank it all. I didn't feel the effects until it equated to the fifth standard drink. For me, for a little girl, I think I did well. My experience was things, movements went a little faster than usual, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sick, my balance was horrible though when I'm sober it is horrible also and I felt free, just bloody carefree.
Not many people are used to me in this state.
I got told that 'I looked awful'
                     'I looked like someone had just raped me' (these are all quotes)
                     ' I was in a funny state' etc.
There were some things that actually offended me. As they were being hypocrites, never once did I say that they looked like a little weak girl when they were in my position.
The thing is I knew what was going on, I wasn't blinded, I was in control of my words and thoughts. Just less inhibited. I was quite mentally in control. But the fact people were talking to me like I was some baby or mentally unaware person downright offended me. I didn't show this at the time, I just walked off. It got annoying that is for sure. I remember everything for GODS SAKES.
Thank goodness one of my other friends knew exactly what I was on about and they empathised with me. The next person who said maybe you should do blah blah blah...I was seriously going to punch them. Seriously.
One thing I hated was that people worried about me. This is the second time I am aware that people do worry when I'm in such a state. And the way they said 'Don't make me worry like that again' that was the point when i felt most like a child being reprimanded by their mother. It made me feel shit. I appreciate that people look out for me as it is usually the other way round but I'd hate to worry someone.
I know a few friends, if they read this they will be like Nataleigh shut up and have a good time, don't make a scene, don't make this bigger than it really is blah blah blah. Well people the next time you are me, then come back and say all that again.
But do I regret anything? No. I woke up with a huge grin on my face because I was free and I had fun.
That is all.

It all started with do you remember...

I'm not perfect. I'm not this person who can be everything you want. I am just a person. Just a human. But the difference between me and another, is that I try...not perfection but to be a good person without any exception to 'I'm only human'.
If we all want to be good people, commit to that then we can. It's just a matter of will power, self control and moreso how much you truly care. If one out of these three are not evident, its not your fault. You're only human...right? Wrong! You don't give up. You get up every time that person knocks you back down, you get right back up, each time is harder but each time shows how much you care.
I am biologically and physically human but I like to think my set of values and principles are stronger and sustainable. They are not these flexible guidelines. Because that is an excuse to cut any responsibility out of your life.
I only genuinely care for a handful of people. It's a harsh reality but it is the truth. If they are hurt, lost and confused then I am there quick-smart, ready to help pick up the pieces. Two pairs of hands are better than one. I'm the listener, the advice giver and just the person to sit with them for the company until they feel whole again. Until they are alright. People can rely on me and I know I can rely on those same people, I try not too because I've been hurt way too many times to count. But so has everyone else it seems.
Though what if roles are reversed.
What if I were the one to hurt one of those very dear people to me?
Once its done its done. You can't go back in time. I wish I could though.
What if it was your strongest point that became  your tragedy.
I have prized myself on having an abundance of self control and will power, basically nothing can get through. Yet after the batterings I've had in recent times, it slowly crumbles allowing for vulnerability to expose itself, allowing me to become weaker. I don't want to excuse myself. Because this person doesn't deserve something that would act like an excuse.
As much as I was scared I still told them the truth, its better than hiding it. They deserve the truth. I know I would want it.
I really don't know what the point of this post was. Just a couple of things on my mind and because that person and I aren't on a steady page, I can't go to them to talk things out. I can't tell them about the shit day I've had. Yet i have to become the person I was....sometimes I think that's better. It was safer.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...(cause I sure do)

That Moment

Somebody's boring is another's memorable.
I have been thinking lately, when don't I think, but recently it came up in a conversation quite randomly that it is those moments that you are sitting with a person in complete silence and doing absolutely nothing that makes it memorable or special. It is only when  you can sit in silence without feeling awkward is when you know that that person is a true friend.
To some, this may seem utterly boring, they'd rather watch paint dry. But it is in these moments we just appreciate somebody's company. No talking required, its just a matter of someone being there.
Everybody, even though they don't explicitly admit it, needs somebody there. Its that warm blanket of comfort that is priceless.
I'm not sure if I'm doing this post justice, it sounded a lot better in my head to be frank.
I guess its the simple things in life that many overlook are the ones that we keep in our hearts the longest. Yet so many due to their busy schedules don't take time to look, to breathe and appreciate the moment. Because its just a snap of the fingers and the moment is over. Well and truly over and even if you try to replicate it, you can never regain that singular moment. That moment was natural, it was raw, it was true. Replication may look like the moment but it won't feel like it. And you know when it feels right.
The moments I may go to a particular park and a smell reminds me of a moment, it may have just been me and my brother kicking a ball around but its a moment that I won't forget. Or the moments when my brother and I played cards with my dad. It is crystal clear, but it is these moments I wish to relive.
People want a movie experience to call their life. My advice is you don't need that Hollywood Magic, look around you because all the magic is right in front of you. You just have to want it enough, be ready to appreciate it to see it.
As they say open your eyes and smell the roses.

It all started with do you remember...

I scream but no one hears me

Silence is our loudest cry
Silent rivers run deep
But they never warned
that silent rivers ran dry.

The Calm

So I have this captain you see,

I am therefore the quartermaster

Would you believe?

Me second in line.

Captain is older I guess.

And truly I am fine :)

I'll take the order

Because it isn't long now

I can clearly see the border

That green lush freedom

Fresh air and sun

And most of all no constriction.

We have meandered

Past the tempting merfolk

Who hook when I have ventered.

They sing a sweet song

Smells of lavender and the Calm

Just have to remember it is not long.

A few yards out of their clutch

They have a deep ulterior motive

and their promises don't mean much

Past the sharks

Ahoy Ahoy

I sing like a new lark.

Up in the sky

The blue, the Calm

Soaring so high

Above it all

Soon enough I will find

After this huge fall

I will climb

And uncover what was deep inside

It all started with do you remember...

I bloody well CARE

Dear Dearest,

You know who you are.
Or do you?
Do you actually know...you say you know more.
But this, this you will deny for another thousand years.
I can say it, I can sing it, I can whisper it from the rawness of my heart.
But you will not know.
You will deny. You will argue. Why? Why? Why?
Does it really matter why?
I'm not sure if it is loss of self worth or
That you are truly oblivious at the kind of person you are.
Though you can calm the seas
You can produce storms of power.
Power that overcomes me with the type of anger I never knew I could have.
It doesn't happen with many people. But now it sure has happened.
It has happened alright.
I am so so angry I could punch you and actually knock  you out.
Whoa Whoa there Sonny Jim stop proclaiming how wrong I am but stop. Listen. And Think.
Stop proclaiming.
Listen to the frustration in my voice.
And think...think why I may be like this.
I am so angry at you, so very VERY angry.
But it is the type of anger that occurs when you care so much that every other emotion doesn't have enough power to reveal itself.
I care so bloody much to one point I believed I should care no more.
But dear, I was wrong.
I don't worry. But I hurt. It pains me to see you like this.
It pains me that I can see but can't do.
Maybe if i backed off...but NO. It made things worse.
It made things change.
Stuff is Weird.
It sure is kid. You don't say, you hide. You back away, back back into that hole. Like a mouse, not even cheese can tempt.
I believed if I let go, you'd sound eventually.
But I believe that made the abyss swallowing you seem that much more darker...and yes scarier.
I could be totally wrong here.
I thought I knew you...kind of. But I had kept trying to get to know you, however hard that may have been, to the point I believed our friendship was gold.
Then things slipped. Time ticked. I felt YOU WERE GONE.
Days past, angrier and angrier, blacker and blacker.
But I realised. This will not help.
I care and that is all you need to know
I will always ask how you are....even if you say you are fine.
I will always say talk to me...even if you tell me to not worry.
I will always say aww whats wrong...even if I know you will not tell me. (though once upon a time you did)
I will always stand by your side...even if you try to walk away.
And when you slip...I will catch  you.
And when that quicksand is up to your neck...I will be your rope.
You won't care for this message, you won't grab hold, you won't let me walk beside you...though you make sure  you do for me.
But you can scream. You can speak abuse to me. You can fight me.
I will be there.
Don't ever doubt it. (You just did)
You once promised me something, you have broken it. But I'll still be there.
I'll be there to sing, to shine and to just. be. there.
Until you say.
Go Away.
I will hesitate...of course I will, to just be broken with two little words. But if you don't want your friend anymore, I will go. Because you told me too. Because I care.
Because I bloody well care.

It all started with do you remember...

Stuff.Is.Weird.

Stuff. Is. Weird. Three Little Words. 1000 Mile Gaze. It all sinks in.
You my friend could not have said it any better. It may be informal, not the best use of vocabulary but that is all that was needed to be said. There is nothing clear than those Three Little Words. Why didn't I respond with 'It sure is kid' instead I pressed. Never press. Maybe I should've said 'Yeah I know the feeling' and then conversation would've sprouted instead of this long drawn out silence. Because Stuff. Is. Weird. I don't know what this person was referring too but for me its all these ties. This ball of yarn is loosening and I can physically see it and feel it. I feel like that I'm surrounded by people but yet isolated at the same time. Because Stuff. Is. Weird.
Things have changed. 'Things always change...yeah they may but I don't have to like it'. Things can change in the smallest of ways, a night out, a chill sesh or even in a phone call. It happens, sure it does but though I try to hide the fact that it I have to not care for these things it still hurts to see it.
Stuff. Is. Weird.
That it feels like when you admit to the most dangerous things that that is when they run away. It's that running away where you can just see they are never coming back because they don't look back once but keep on running. The back of their heads just disappearing through the fog. I was content where things were at last term, this term not so much. People slipping away, and I don't want to tighten my grip in case they slip away faster. These people I thought would be my 'best mate'...s for a long time, that would come to my wedding and sing the bride and groom's favorite song.
All I wanna know is where did it go? How did it change so quickly? Why did it have to change at all?
I was content...more than content. Now........................................eh. I tried to appreciate every day, I did appreciate every day to the point where I paused during moments and savoured the laughter and smiles...the deep conversations that seem to be non existent now. I don't know what I have done wrong, but for whatever it is...I'm sorry. There are days when I just want to be a massive smartass because the compassion and care and...hurt are just too much and I don't want to show. I definitely don't want to show them if that is gonna make people stop talking to me about their life because I am somewhat vulnerable and 'can't handle it'.

Anyway that's all I want to say now...I reckon that was even a little too much but I'm at a point right now that I don't have one single person in my life that I'd feel like I want to tell. I have come to a point of no care about ranting on the internet. There are no names in this and the people that this does concern wouldn't even have me in the back of their mind to care. Not anymore anyway.

It all started with do you remember...