I bloody well CARE

Dear Dearest,

You know who you are.
Or do you?
Do you actually know...you say you know more.
But this, this you will deny for another thousand years.
I can say it, I can sing it, I can whisper it from the rawness of my heart.
But you will not know.
You will deny. You will argue. Why? Why? Why?
Does it really matter why?
I'm not sure if it is loss of self worth or
That you are truly oblivious at the kind of person you are.
Though you can calm the seas
You can produce storms of power.
Power that overcomes me with the type of anger I never knew I could have.
It doesn't happen with many people. But now it sure has happened.
It has happened alright.
I am so so angry I could punch you and actually knock  you out.
Whoa Whoa there Sonny Jim stop proclaiming how wrong I am but stop. Listen. And Think.
Stop proclaiming.
Listen to the frustration in my voice.
And think...think why I may be like this.
I am so angry at you, so very VERY angry.
But it is the type of anger that occurs when you care so much that every other emotion doesn't have enough power to reveal itself.
I care so bloody much to one point I believed I should care no more.
But dear, I was wrong.
I don't worry. But I hurt. It pains me to see you like this.
It pains me that I can see but can't do.
Maybe if i backed off...but NO. It made things worse.
It made things change.
Stuff is Weird.
It sure is kid. You don't say, you hide. You back away, back back into that hole. Like a mouse, not even cheese can tempt.
I believed if I let go, you'd sound eventually.
But I believe that made the abyss swallowing you seem that much more darker...and yes scarier.
I could be totally wrong here.
I thought I knew you...kind of. But I had kept trying to get to know you, however hard that may have been, to the point I believed our friendship was gold.
Then things slipped. Time ticked. I felt YOU WERE GONE.
Days past, angrier and angrier, blacker and blacker.
But I realised. This will not help.
I care and that is all you need to know
I will always ask how you are....even if you say you are fine.
I will always say talk to me...even if you tell me to not worry.
I will always say aww whats wrong...even if I know you will not tell me. (though once upon a time you did)
I will always stand by your side...even if you try to walk away.
And when you slip...I will catch  you.
And when that quicksand is up to your neck...I will be your rope.
You won't care for this message, you won't grab hold, you won't let me walk beside you...though you make sure  you do for me.
But you can scream. You can speak abuse to me. You can fight me.
I will be there.
Don't ever doubt it. (You just did)
You once promised me something, you have broken it. But I'll still be there.
I'll be there to sing, to shine and to just. be. there.
Until you say.
Go Away.
I will hesitate...of course I will, to just be broken with two little words. But if you don't want your friend anymore, I will go. Because you told me too. Because I care.
Because I bloody well care.

It all started with do you remember...

Stuff.Is.Weird.

Stuff. Is. Weird. Three Little Words. 1000 Mile Gaze. It all sinks in.
You my friend could not have said it any better. It may be informal, not the best use of vocabulary but that is all that was needed to be said. There is nothing clear than those Three Little Words. Why didn't I respond with 'It sure is kid' instead I pressed. Never press. Maybe I should've said 'Yeah I know the feeling' and then conversation would've sprouted instead of this long drawn out silence. Because Stuff. Is. Weird. I don't know what this person was referring too but for me its all these ties. This ball of yarn is loosening and I can physically see it and feel it. I feel like that I'm surrounded by people but yet isolated at the same time. Because Stuff. Is. Weird.
Things have changed. 'Things always change...yeah they may but I don't have to like it'. Things can change in the smallest of ways, a night out, a chill sesh or even in a phone call. It happens, sure it does but though I try to hide the fact that it I have to not care for these things it still hurts to see it.
Stuff. Is. Weird.
That it feels like when you admit to the most dangerous things that that is when they run away. It's that running away where you can just see they are never coming back because they don't look back once but keep on running. The back of their heads just disappearing through the fog. I was content where things were at last term, this term not so much. People slipping away, and I don't want to tighten my grip in case they slip away faster. These people I thought would be my 'best mate'...s for a long time, that would come to my wedding and sing the bride and groom's favorite song.
All I wanna know is where did it go? How did it change so quickly? Why did it have to change at all?
I was content...more than content. Now........................................eh. I tried to appreciate every day, I did appreciate every day to the point where I paused during moments and savoured the laughter and smiles...the deep conversations that seem to be non existent now. I don't know what I have done wrong, but for whatever it is...I'm sorry. There are days when I just want to be a massive smartass because the compassion and care and...hurt are just too much and I don't want to show. I definitely don't want to show them if that is gonna make people stop talking to me about their life because I am somewhat vulnerable and 'can't handle it'.

Anyway that's all I want to say now...I reckon that was even a little too much but I'm at a point right now that I don't have one single person in my life that I'd feel like I want to tell. I have come to a point of no care about ranting on the internet. There are no names in this and the people that this does concern wouldn't even have me in the back of their mind to care. Not anymore anyway.

It all started with do you remember...