Who'd have known?

Yeahhh I just turned 18 guyyyys. Woopty Doo!...Jokes I was actually quite excited. And at one point during the night my aunty asks me 'Do you feel any different? Have you changed?'
I looked at her like she had grown two heads and scoffed at the idea of changing in the space of a day. I said I feel the same as I've always been. I am the same person I've always been. Little did I know though I had changed. Quite a lot too.
It was this blog actually, it had triggered my memory of who I used to be at the age of 17. The reason I made this blog was initially to trigger others memories and reminisce of the good old days, bringing up moralistic issues that many would face and try to give my understanding on certain topics.
But recently it has been a cry of dark emotions, blurted out in a pretty form...to be honest its pathetic. I know it. You know it. It has gotta stop.
When I was looking through some of the older posts and what I was writing down I was thinking about how mature I sounded, how sure I was of myself, how this blog was being used for the audience and not selfishly for me. Because whatever I write on here must be realised that it will be read by different people.
Now that I am older I actually should stop the 'I'm an adult card' though i don't ever actually do that...just for purposes of this post and take a leaf out of my 17 year old self. I should be more positive and I should use this blog for better purposes than I have been. Accounting the good things that happen rather than moping the bad...in reality moping gets you nowhere.
Sure I can't just say I should be my 17 year old self totally because if it wasn't for the experiences I have been through, found the friends that I know can actually withhold a friendship for more than 6 months and grown from all of that, I wouldn't be a person that many people are proud of today.
We all change and though we never saw it and thought 'I am the same as last year' we really are not. It has been a slow, gradual change, every time you make a decision is a time when you are changing.
Change is to allow us to progress, to move forward...without this progression we'd stay the same, not learn anything from past consequences, good and bad, but just replay over and over and over again...that is pretty boring.
So yes I have changed. I have changed a lot since I started this blog which was around the same time this year. And I am glad I have.

It all started with do you remember...

They should be knighted

Push. Out.
No movement. No Budge.
Keep pushing
Even with a rough nudge.

A jab here,
A punch there.
I try so hard
Yet they don't move anywhere.

Their roots so thick
Their bark so sweet
What is with them.
This must be deceit.

It can't be true.
An illusion? A delusion?
One eye open
But they have chosen;

To stay.
To Guard.
To keep peace
To protect the scarred.

Cold shivers seep through
Iron and Metal
Its much too fast
Much too soon.

It spreads like a disease
Black overwhelms
Darkness appears
Yet there is a cloud...

A break. A ray
Really? Could it be?
This saving...
It was done just for me?

No Trust
Heart Fight.
I close my eyes
With all my might

Help the beggar
Give some food and shelter
But shun the carer.
In the heat I'd rather swelter.

The hope is too much

Just a sparkle 

And it can crush
With that stake knife chortle

They show you the home
But outside you sleep
They cook enough food
But  all you get is a whiff and a peep.

Thunder crashes loud
The dark rumbles
It may seem bleak and harsh
But I've seen many fumbles

Sure they can guard.

But do they guard their word
Guard it like its precious

Guard it like it deserves

They are human after all

Don't expect anything from the unexpected
As they say they are unpredictable

Enigmatic and have infected

The poor soldiers

With kind words and false hope

The bleeding wounds

Must hop back on the boat.

I have shown you my wounds
That is all too see.

There is nothing left

Nothing left of me.

So whilst you can

Run. Run far away

Find another muse

That will make a more interesting day

Yet you stay

When I bid you leave

Yet you stay

And say you'll comfort me

Yet you all stay

When I throw knives

Yet you all stay

And help me survive.

It all started with do you remember

P.S Thank-you.

The way the wind blew

I don't understand it.
There is so much change
All. Of. The. Time.
Some days are blue.
Some days are grey.
Some days are orange.
This turns out to be a good day.
When you jump out of bed
And don't fall flat on your face.
When you wake up not feeling dead.
But alive. ecstatic, full of grace.
For those people who do not like change
How on earth do they live.
Life's a rollercoaster.
You either hop in, knowing you are gonna hate it.
And ruin it for everyone.
Or hop in and try to have fun.
Go with the ups and downs.
The sharp turns that make your head spin.
And the nausea that you didn't intend on having.
My life is not as dramatic as some.
I am happy for this.
But when its done.
I'd like to look back.
And smile at all that I have overcome.


It all started with do you remember...

Don't take it personally

It happens one time or another
It was inevitable
I'm sorry it had to be you
Well actually I have nothing to be sorry about
It happens all of the time
Not my fault not your fault
Just me and my ways.
I hope you can see that.
But really its gonna happen
If you see it or not
Just don't take it personally
For God's Sakes Do Not.

Sure I may be as thick as glue
But one second I may come undone
Like a ball of yarn
I am tangled, cobwebbed untouched
Nobody cares they just walk by
It's like the Good Samaritan
What if that guy is in trouble
God Help Him.
Cautious is not hard.
I'm just not that type of girl that fall
At the drop of a hat
I'm not that type of girl that obeys
When a guy clicks their fingers
I am me.
I am still me.
I am not going to change.
So stop asking me too. All of you.
JUST. STOP.

It all started with do you remember...

Shambles

You know what I want.
Nothing.
Nothing from you,
Nothing from me
Just to stare into oblivion
Look out to sea
Vacant eyes
Moving no where
No purpose. Nothing.
No bloody care.

I didn't want it
But i knew it would happen
Or was it mishappen?
That naive blow
Hot. Searing Pain
Jabbed into the heart
Where all that was to gain
Left to depart.
Where rain turns to snow
Snow turns to ice.
At this stage there is no turning back
No such device.
To redeem what you had lost
what you had won but did not gain
Lost not what was earned
Because it was feigned.

You thought it was all a joke
You thought it was all for fun
The joker is not you
Because I have won.
Because im doing whats right
Stopping mid tracks...
Could it have kept going.
It was gone before it was aware.
The coals were never burning
No such amber deceived the air
But just cold, hard dust
Left where there was despair.

Despair is forbidden
In these ball and chained lands
The heart must pump
But not for you, or for me just for these glands.
To keep on working
To survive.
That is all it pumps for.
No meaning, No butterfly jive.
Just to keep breathing.
Just to keep alive.

Some think I'm stupid
but I'm smarter than they think
I'm not bragging
But i know whats written in ink.
It is plain on their faces,
Their parchment shows all proof
What they think, or think they know
This invasion makes me aloof.
Others think I'm naive
ignorant in manner and in way.
I know exactly what i am doing.
Each move leads to checkmate.
Judge me if needs be
As I do not care
I know how to take care of myself
I am very well aware.
How i act. How i look. What I think and What I've done.
Each move is strategic.
To win some you must lose some.
And those losses don't become regrets
But mishappens none the less.

All i want is to keep firm
A grip on what I have
A yarn of wool unravelled
Is not a useful yarn of wool.
But an inconvenience to all.
And I would not like to be that fool.
All I ask is don't get like that.
Don't let the twines tangle you.
And strangle what ached
Not all yarns of wool were made the same
Not all yarns of wool break.

It all started with do you remember...