It’s the 30th as I write this down and I was going to write this reflection two days ago but man things change, and I think I have come to know that the most this year out of all years, nothing is constant. I’ve always thought about this being a burden, but that is how I think about most of my feelings but I have come to think that my feelings are as important as everyone else but there will be more on this later on.
As I said it is the 30th, twenty four hours till the New Year, till 2012 and even though New Year is about tying up loose ends, sorting everything out so you don’t bring it into the new year I for one have not done that. I am not ready to do that. I am so confused right now then I have ever been in my entire life, I haven’t sorted much out of my turbulent life which I thought would have kindly ended by the time I wrote this. I was wrong. But thinking about this a thought came to me, something that was really hard to admit. For once in my life I played counselor to myself and figured out that its okay to not know what you are doing, its okay to not know what the road ahead will bring you because the most beautiful things in life are the ones that happen spontaneously, the ones that happen by chance. If you let go of this restricting leash you have around your worries, and issues you come to see that with their newfound freedom they will sort themselves out, they will roam and experiment and they will be free and with that you’ll be free. So it’s okay that I still have problems it’s only natural right?
The one thing that I am most confident of right at this moment is that I have grown the most this year than any other year, it has been a tough journey, a haggard journey but along this journey it had its good points too, the little gold coins, the little treasures. But on this journey I did something miraculous and at the time I didn’t think I could ever…but I forgave, I learned to forgive and let go. I learned that by doing this I am a stronger person and that I really am strong, I let go of the past and became the better man (speaking figuratively). Yes it hurt but after it there was so much relief that I wish I had done this sooner and I know many who will find out what the hell I am on about they will not understand but only someone that have been through what I and the other person have been through can admire it…but I’m not looking for admiration from friends or family, I don’t care if people will be pissed off, confused at my actions because I am finally satisfied in myself to actually admit and not feel like I am bragging that I am a good person and nobody can take that satisfaction away from me.
This forgiving did not just happen over a day because to forgive someone you have to forgive yourself and that is exactly what I learnt. It was hard but the person I most hated and resented was no one else but myself and yesterday forgiving that person I learnt how good of a person I was. To this day I did not think why I hated myself but just the act of blaming myself for everything that happened just felt more comfortable than blaming someone else and maybe just maybe if I hated myself than others might hate me too, they will all leave and hopefully will stop asking questions about myself and stop getting to know me and just hate me so I can hate me. It’s a confusing cycle but it is the truth. But getting over this and this year I am a stronger person definitely than I was at the start. ‘I do not ask for a lighter load but for broader shoulders’. But the one that I truly went by this year was a quote by Albert Einstein, ‘Only a life lived for others is a life worth living.’ It is a great quote and I literally went by it, I started helping others, I started to be their rock that they could confide into and then help them move on and sort out their issues and worries, that was me. Epic Counsellor. Free sessions, I didn’t want anything from it because I thought I was being an okay friend but the reason behind why I was doing it was truly selfish and because I have been feeling so honest these days and have tried to be as honest as I can be I’ll tell you. I helped people because if I had other people’s issues I didn’t have to think about my own, it was like a numbing pill, help but don’t help yourself. See this could have gone well but I don’t live on could haves…I experienced something that I wish nobody would experience, this rough patch I went through transformed me into something I rather not look back on. People noticed this change, some didn’t think much about it, some just thought the sarcastic, pessimistic chick who has actually been called a Tinman and Daria by her family is that that was actually her. I thought I had a heart of stone, it was unbreakable, and nothing can get through but the reason behind it’s hard exterior was because really it was breaking, cracking all that I knew and had lived for had slowly disappeared…during this time I lost some friends which I regret to say but for the purpose of the journey I have them back. I lost these friends and it wasn’t their fault but mine because I had lost myself. Reading back half of this doesn’t make sense but when do I ever? During this rough time I had clammed up, I had become more private than I was before…it made me feel secure, I didn’t really want people to know who I was because I didn't like who I was and if I didn't like me why would anyone else. For two terms I was in this rough trance but I had gotten to know five people that are now my favourite five: My kerosene lamp, my vault, my coach, my free spirit and my voice of reason. These five have influenced my very thoughts, the way I see things and how I view myself. They all have helped me become the person I am today and I am very happy that I have them in my life. Many people say that and really they say it and mean it for one day and then forget about it, but genuinely I haven’t shown enough appreciation to these people and I don’t know if they know how much I care for each one of them. Starting with my kerosene lamp, one day I found you buried under some rubble and I grabbed you out, polished you up and now you have been here ever since. Did I ever tell you the reason I found you? It’s because of this: ‘If there was darkness there must have been light at one stage. It is just up to you, whether you’re willing to find it again.’ Your light I could feel, you had a good heart and you deserved my help, you just didn’t see the small flame that was sparking in there. I just needed you to see that and how good you are to show you that deep down you are strong because if there was not that persistent flame I would have not seen you. You guide me through some of my darkest times and I can’t express how big your heart is, willing to forgive people because you are that type of person and this is how you helped me. Unlike everyone you caught me up on one of my biggest issues, you once asked me: “I know you are my rock and others but Nataleigh who do you hold onto”. I don’t know if you’ll ever understand how much you tripped me that night, though I may have said “No one” in a confident and carefree kind of voice, inside I was thinking like mad that night, probably for the next week. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, what I came up with was the reason I don’t have one because I didn’t need one. It kept me content for a while, knowing I didn’t need to rely on someone but one of the people that helped me realise that it was okay to rely on people sometimes was my vault. I have to admit I commend this person, they are very patient and they did not take no for an answer. I’ll also admit at the start I tried pushing you away (making me seem like I may hate you) but the reason was because you my friend were understanding way too much for my comfort. It scared me, I started to feel vulnerable and I hadn’t noticeably felt like that in a long time. But as my vault you told me it wasn’t a burden and from then on, I started to open up slowly and I learned to trust because that was very hard for me before. The reason I thought I was a burden was also partly the reason I never really talked meaningfully about myself, I didn’t want to be a nuisance, feel needy and then chucked away. But the best thing you had taught me regarding how I learned to forgive was that everyone is not who they seem, that what they show is totally different than what is underneath. I understand. You don’t know the extent you had helped me but I appreciate it. The best thing you have ever told me would probably be this : ‘the hardest things in life are the things that are most worth it’ and I believe that you are a good person and 'a good heart is the sun and the moon, or, rather, the sun and not the moon, for it shines bright and never changes'.
As I said it is the 30th, twenty four hours till the New Year, till 2012 and even though New Year is about tying up loose ends, sorting everything out so you don’t bring it into the new year I for one have not done that. I am not ready to do that. I am so confused right now then I have ever been in my entire life, I haven’t sorted much out of my turbulent life which I thought would have kindly ended by the time I wrote this. I was wrong. But thinking about this a thought came to me, something that was really hard to admit. For once in my life I played counselor to myself and figured out that its okay to not know what you are doing, its okay to not know what the road ahead will bring you because the most beautiful things in life are the ones that happen spontaneously, the ones that happen by chance. If you let go of this restricting leash you have around your worries, and issues you come to see that with their newfound freedom they will sort themselves out, they will roam and experiment and they will be free and with that you’ll be free. So it’s okay that I still have problems it’s only natural right?
The one thing that I am most confident of right at this moment is that I have grown the most this year than any other year, it has been a tough journey, a haggard journey but along this journey it had its good points too, the little gold coins, the little treasures. But on this journey I did something miraculous and at the time I didn’t think I could ever…but I forgave, I learned to forgive and let go. I learned that by doing this I am a stronger person and that I really am strong, I let go of the past and became the better man (speaking figuratively). Yes it hurt but after it there was so much relief that I wish I had done this sooner and I know many who will find out what the hell I am on about they will not understand but only someone that have been through what I and the other person have been through can admire it…but I’m not looking for admiration from friends or family, I don’t care if people will be pissed off, confused at my actions because I am finally satisfied in myself to actually admit and not feel like I am bragging that I am a good person and nobody can take that satisfaction away from me.
This forgiving did not just happen over a day because to forgive someone you have to forgive yourself and that is exactly what I learnt. It was hard but the person I most hated and resented was no one else but myself and yesterday forgiving that person I learnt how good of a person I was. To this day I did not think why I hated myself but just the act of blaming myself for everything that happened just felt more comfortable than blaming someone else and maybe just maybe if I hated myself than others might hate me too, they will all leave and hopefully will stop asking questions about myself and stop getting to know me and just hate me so I can hate me. It’s a confusing cycle but it is the truth. But getting over this and this year I am a stronger person definitely than I was at the start. ‘I do not ask for a lighter load but for broader shoulders’. But the one that I truly went by this year was a quote by Albert Einstein, ‘Only a life lived for others is a life worth living.’ It is a great quote and I literally went by it, I started helping others, I started to be their rock that they could confide into and then help them move on and sort out their issues and worries, that was me. Epic Counsellor. Free sessions, I didn’t want anything from it because I thought I was being an okay friend but the reason behind why I was doing it was truly selfish and because I have been feeling so honest these days and have tried to be as honest as I can be I’ll tell you. I helped people because if I had other people’s issues I didn’t have to think about my own, it was like a numbing pill, help but don’t help yourself. See this could have gone well but I don’t live on could haves…I experienced something that I wish nobody would experience, this rough patch I went through transformed me into something I rather not look back on. People noticed this change, some didn’t think much about it, some just thought the sarcastic, pessimistic chick who has actually been called a Tinman and Daria by her family is that that was actually her. I thought I had a heart of stone, it was unbreakable, and nothing can get through but the reason behind it’s hard exterior was because really it was breaking, cracking all that I knew and had lived for had slowly disappeared…during this time I lost some friends which I regret to say but for the purpose of the journey I have them back. I lost these friends and it wasn’t their fault but mine because I had lost myself. Reading back half of this doesn’t make sense but when do I ever? During this rough time I had clammed up, I had become more private than I was before…it made me feel secure, I didn’t really want people to know who I was because I didn't like who I was and if I didn't like me why would anyone else. For two terms I was in this rough trance but I had gotten to know five people that are now my favourite five: My kerosene lamp, my vault, my coach, my free spirit and my voice of reason. These five have influenced my very thoughts, the way I see things and how I view myself. They all have helped me become the person I am today and I am very happy that I have them in my life. Many people say that and really they say it and mean it for one day and then forget about it, but genuinely I haven’t shown enough appreciation to these people and I don’t know if they know how much I care for each one of them. Starting with my kerosene lamp, one day I found you buried under some rubble and I grabbed you out, polished you up and now you have been here ever since. Did I ever tell you the reason I found you? It’s because of this: ‘If there was darkness there must have been light at one stage. It is just up to you, whether you’re willing to find it again.’ Your light I could feel, you had a good heart and you deserved my help, you just didn’t see the small flame that was sparking in there. I just needed you to see that and how good you are to show you that deep down you are strong because if there was not that persistent flame I would have not seen you. You guide me through some of my darkest times and I can’t express how big your heart is, willing to forgive people because you are that type of person and this is how you helped me. Unlike everyone you caught me up on one of my biggest issues, you once asked me: “I know you are my rock and others but Nataleigh who do you hold onto”. I don’t know if you’ll ever understand how much you tripped me that night, though I may have said “No one” in a confident and carefree kind of voice, inside I was thinking like mad that night, probably for the next week. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, what I came up with was the reason I don’t have one because I didn’t need one. It kept me content for a while, knowing I didn’t need to rely on someone but one of the people that helped me realise that it was okay to rely on people sometimes was my vault. I have to admit I commend this person, they are very patient and they did not take no for an answer. I’ll also admit at the start I tried pushing you away (making me seem like I may hate you) but the reason was because you my friend were understanding way too much for my comfort. It scared me, I started to feel vulnerable and I hadn’t noticeably felt like that in a long time. But as my vault you told me it wasn’t a burden and from then on, I started to open up slowly and I learned to trust because that was very hard for me before. The reason I thought I was a burden was also partly the reason I never really talked meaningfully about myself, I didn’t want to be a nuisance, feel needy and then chucked away. But the best thing you had taught me regarding how I learned to forgive was that everyone is not who they seem, that what they show is totally different than what is underneath. I understand. You don’t know the extent you had helped me but I appreciate it. The best thing you have ever told me would probably be this : ‘the hardest things in life are the things that are most worth it’ and I believe that you are a good person and 'a good heart is the sun and the moon, or, rather, the sun and not the moon, for it shines bright and never changes'.
Dear coach, you’ve gotten the medal, the essay of a card and you know. I don’t need to explain much of that because you know. But do you know I admire your strength and your heart. You have shown me that we are not alone…I once showed you this quote ‘the soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone’. For you kid, you won’t walk alone, we both won’t because though we may feel lonely sometimes we have so many people here. You say it like it is and that honesty knowing it may be rude or hurtful you still say what you think to me or about me and because you are honest I admire that even more. But I don’t know how you do it, your strength, you have opened my eyes to other people either they may be dying or going through something horrible, their strength to laugh even though it hurts and smile even though it may be their last. That kind of strength is empowering, pivotal, motivational. Both you and the vault have shown me that I am not the only one, that everybody has their problems and with that this is what I have for you: ‘It’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left’. Thank-you. But I probably wouldn’t have been able to see and open my eyes with the realization of perspective; that I may have problems but someone is always worse off, that you put those problems on a scale and more often then not they don’t weigh up that bad. This wise advice is from my free spirit. With the help of coach and vault you guys have changed my perspective of guys too, so well done and thank you. But free spirit I look at your positive thinking, your care-free ways and envy it, but with your help I have tried letting go. You once told me to let go of the past but just keep the lessons you have learned with you, because the past just drags you down. Without this I wouldn’t have been able to just make the decision. This is what I have for you: ‘Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the life boats’. The person who I have left to commend is my voice of reason, if they ever read this they probably wouldn’t know who I was speaking about but you and me, we have had a hell of a past and I guess I realized if we could forgive each other than I could do it again. You are the person that understands what it is like to be the devil on the shoulder, the frightening voice of truth. You say it as it is. The reason you are my voice of reason is because I don’t do much of that myself, I think with my heart too much and sometimes need to think with my head, but I know if I am going down the wrong path you’ll be there to just turn me around the right one. You don’t take as much credit as you should and you believe you aren’t there for me as much as you like, but you do more than most, you push me back into line and without you I wouldn’t have gotten past the hurt to forgive. So with that this is what I have for you: ‘Rock bottom is a good solid ground and a dead end street is just a place to turn around’, you try and try again but don’t give up because that is the only way to fail.
Many people have helped me this year, too many in their own little ways but these five are the ones that influence a lot. I am a stronger person because of them and I can finally say I can stand, I can stand and be that little bit more confident in myself…that I do have talent, that I am a good friend. And that the thing I’d like everyone to learn and what I have learnt is this. ‘So often a time it happens, we all live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.’
Many people have helped me this year, too many in their own little ways but these five are the ones that influence a lot. I am a stronger person because of them and I can finally say I can stand, I can stand and be that little bit more confident in myself…that I do have talent, that I am a good friend. And that the thing I’d like everyone to learn and what I have learnt is this. ‘So often a time it happens, we all live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.’
It all started with do you remember…
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