No. No More

Poisoned tears drenched my clothes
I couldn’t stop them
as they flowed ripping at my woes
why

Locked inside
I swallowed the key
there was no one to confide
in

It was crippling
as I sat on the cold, dank floor
I started trembling
Gods

Flashback. What had occurred.
Someone smeared shit on me
Words Words. Thick Black Words
Name

Unbelievably crystal clear
My sight and what I saw
Even under the hazy stupor
Did

I pushed away and backwards I treaded
Into the dark ready for the torture
I let it in, took all that it threatened

I

Up goes the strong wall
Brick by harsh Brick
I am not a Porcelain Doll
Cry

No. No more

Exeunt

Another era has ended, and I am moving onto to bigger, better opportunities. I'm in the big world now and I realised I am an adult and things do change. Friends distant yet you meet new ones. Especially after high school I realised who my true friends are and the ones I'd really like to keep in contact with. Even though some have appeared to be gone from sight I can't mope about it but believe they were there for a while for a purpose.
It is only fitting to end this blog and start a new one. I may still post some poems on here when I'm down but I have learnt to see through the bad times and recognise the little bit of sunshine that is hidden in each one.

My new blog is 365 days of Summer. Every day I am going to post something beautiful, inspiring or happy that had happened. 3-6-5daysofsummer.blogspot.com.

And it all started with do you remember...

Said the little Birdy

It's quite an ordinary day today, listen to channel V or Max, eat breakfast, do a little exercise, check my to do list and then I see it.  A dead bird. How did I know it was dead? Anyone can spot it, they all die the same and in the same position. Stiff, and the legs a little crooked, and the eyes look desolate, there is no life there anymore. If it weren't for my errand to water my dad's plants today I wouldn't have seen it. I stood stock still, unaware how much shock I received from this small sight. It isn't the first time I have seen this and maybe that is what it was, my mind replaying all the birds I tried to help during my childhood up to now, every single one dying on me cause they wouldn't feed or take the water I gave, even when i mashed up a worm or some grains for them. I kept them warm and yet they all had become what I saw now.
My day took a slight turn in events when I thought I'll get dressed and bury this little birdy. I didn't grow attached to this bird but I didn't want it to become cat food. I didn't know how it died, why didn't it fly to security. Either way without much thought in the process I got dressed silently, I got a box silently and I put it in the box and then dug silently. I just kept digging without much thought and then I put the box in the earth and covered it up with a couple of lasting pats and I walked back and started exercising again like nothing happened.
Is that what people do? They go through the processes that are necessary with no thought so it may be a little easier. That is what I figured, then I wondered about murderers, even serial killers is that how they act?
A life is a life isn't it? Wouldn't the process have more repercussions rather than a prison sentence in the end? They can't be that used to a process that seems unnatural. These were my little wonderings, said the little birdy.

It all started with do you remember...

what is truth when we try so damn hard to conceal it, we chuck piles of layers making it seem more complicated than it probably is. Who really wants the truth, the raw form...beautiful. But true beauty always has a sting to it. Can you trust that truth? Who wants it? No one,  either they can't be bothered to dig and get dirty to get to the bottom of things or they really just don't want to hear it.
We take the truth and we contort it so it is incomprehensible not only to others but to ourselves, we take the little black ball or mess and put it in a black box, that then is put in a coffin, that coffin is locked and welded just for good measure, that coffin is placed deep in the ground and then you fill the lot and leave. You don't look back on it, it never happened. So why would you want the truth if you've gone to all that trouble to hide it. Why would anyone else want it?

Again another ramble :) I don't know why, or what it provides to y'all. don't think it makes sense anyway haha.

Another year has come to pass and  boy was it a roller coaster. I hadn't posted as much as last year, even though it was only six months I probably posted more. The reason for that was the meaning of this blog. I want to share things that others can take on as inspiration, advice or a cool idea, if I was upset or downtrodden I didn't want to splurge my feelings all over the internet. One it really isn't anybody's business and two people don't need to see it. Especially as there are kids who are so happy with what little they have and yet I mope around pitiful because my life seems so hard? It doesn't make sense and that is what is the issue with modern society. Perspective.
It would be an understatement for me to say that I have characteristically grown this year. If I thought last year I had such a growing experience it is a penny compared to this one. Everyone asked me what year 12 was like. I could honestly say it was the best and worst year of my life so far and this would have nothing to do with the actual year 12 work load. That I didn't stress on. It wasn't school but the social sector of my life that took a hold of my stress and shook it around a little. I had made so many memories especially with my media buddies producing films, or just the odd occurrences that would happen during a lunch time with my mates. This year I finally figured out who my true friends were and it wasn't easy. The five from last year, a few of them are still very important to me and would be considered in my top five this year, the coach, the vault and the free spirit are still very much there. Other friends have come and gone, we've fought and we've made up and it has opened my eyes to see more clearly each time.
There were many best moments during the year and the best came from the worst. I reckon this was the year i learnt more about myself, that I denied who I truly was and hid behind a mask of strength but in reality that was the worst lie of all. Most knew that and I wasn't trying to fool them at all, I was trying to fool myself and it worked for a certain amount of time but I learnt by doing that I wasn't being a true version of myself and whenever i wasn't, whenever i was a little bit of someone else it became detrimental to the relationships with my friends and family.
I made some decisions that I'm not proud of yet i do not regret any of it because it has made me come to realise who I want to be, a good person that someone can rely on and that someone can be honest to and trust. These decisions had some costly consequences that also made me realise what some people mean to me and how others shouldn't. Last year I ended on a note of unclarity and I was fine without knowing the answers but it was this year that through every decision i had made I figured them out. I know who I am and like my old self I am going to be so stubborn to stick to it. I have changed for the better. People reading this who are my friends probably thought i hadn't done that much bad but it isn't what I did but the feeling had from making those kind of decisions, the guilt and the sickness. It may not be bad for others but that just goes to show the person I am.
If I didn't have the friends and family I had I think this year would have been very different, sure the world isn't full of roses and sunshine but it never was supposed to be and as corny as it is I am glad I have the ability to allow to get knocked down in order to get back up stronger than before.
New Years Resolution: Be healthy for myself, I'm not talking about physically though that would come into it but mentally and emotionally just think more healthily, knowing and allowing people to care for you, because a wise man once told me that its okay to rely on someone and hold onto that rope, it is okay for them to pull you out when you feel like you are in quicksand, it is okay to get some help.

It all started with do you remember...

YEAR 12 FINISHED WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Everything is going well. Friendships that i thought were slipping have regained speed. We will just see. But I'm just taking things as it comes.
I've even been thinking about selling art and crafts. Just as a hobby. I think it is a good goal. :)

Human Emotion can be so bloody stupid sometimes. It can cause accidents, it can cause incidents and sometimes its just there, in the way of any logical thinking. Overanalysing is not a cognitive process.  It is not at all. It is more an emotional part that has nothing to do with the brain (well it technically does but you get what im trying to say). I have done all of the above.
It can be so stupid in fact that it can hurt people, it can make others overanalyse and thus we have this neverending cycle. Overanalysing we all do it. If you say we don't then you're are not only lying to me but moreso yourselves. Why are you denying it? My friend always asks me. There are reasons. I say. But there are reasons for everything, the reason for the reasons is a different kettle of fish or something along those lines that women phrase. You are human. You overanalyse because you feel threatened, you care, or you dream.
Lately I have let my emotion to get in the way of my 'good temperament'. I have become too feminine, sorry girls. I used to joke about things, let people joke about things. Nothing would get to me. I wouldn't overthink things at all, I'd just let them be. As I've said I have been mighty angry recently. I have no idea why. It is annoying because this takes over my judgement. It makes me think things I wouldn't have if I were in a content mood.
I don't trust many people as it is but it has made me further question whether I should trust the people that I trust now. Yeah I'm a freak. I don't know if you guys do it also.
For instance there are these three little words that someone said to me the other day and no they are not 'I love you' haha, it will be a while for someone to even get to that point with me.  Whatever!!! But no, because of my wavered judgement all I said was 'that's nice'. It just didn't make any sense. Was it a line? It was most likely a line- these thoughts were the one's that ran through my head non-stop.
People think that others overanalyse of people that they really like, in  a romantic way. That is not the case, not at all, its just if you care about that person, if you trust that person or if aren't quite sure if you care more. It is Social Reality. It sucks.
People are complex creatures, they don't necessarily put it all out there. My friends don't allow the rest of the world to see who they truly are underneath that is why it didn't make sense. I don't get it. I probably never will. I don't want to keep questioning things, I want to trust what is said to me, but that is being naive. Ignorance is Bliss but is it really? Is a lie really better than the truth? And then that makes me wonder even more. I always say honesty is the best cure for anything. I'd rather be upfront and honest then deceive someone. Others say sometimes honesty isn't the best thing, you have to protect those you love. But is it really protecting? Or is it just blurring the truth? What if they hear the truth from someone else? Doesn't that hurt more? What if they are having a conversation with someone else and this judgement is somehow muddled, so they believe whatever shocking information comes out of that person's mouth. They believe they have been betrayed. Couldn't the truth at the start have prevented this outcome?
Then you have a minor fight with someone or a major fight with someone and they say all these nice things that make you feel like a fool for even believing someone else's truth. Later I then think, are they just saying these things to smooth things over, cause they can't be bothered, or they know what they did was wrong and they don't want to dig a deeper hole for themselves. I mean what is real! People are always trying to cover themselves, they just put it in a way that appears to be caring for other's wellbeing.
I don't know who or what to believe anymore that is why distancing helps a little, to gain perspective, to make the emotion calm down a little and possibly go. So that it is a clean slate and you can think clearly without this heavy fog blurring your mind and vision.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...