Entry 4

Ahoy Me Harrrrties
Where shall I begin. We were on clear crystal waters not long ago, the sky was blue and as sturdy as my wooden peg. The lads were getting lazy again, sunbaking but that was okay, because they were all in check. Then out of no where Emotions up on the callers post cried 'Hail Hail...Cyclone Ahead'. The ship and all me mates were flung wildly without much notice, mostly not understanding what was going on. Panic rushed, we had one of these last year. Blood rushed, I hope its not annual. Fear sank and so did the anchor. Down Down Down. Down to the depths of the deep blue sea. That is our No Man's Land.
But shhh. Can you hear? Look to quick and you may think its over but by Jove! It is just the eye of the storm. The calm, the deceit...the opening of vulnerability for some foreign pirates to take over and so they did!. We were anchored, no where to move or run and a part of the crew did not want to be the one to move that anchor, it may just be a little comfortable, staying in the same deep way.
Foreigners jumped the already wrecked ship. The foreigner Fatigue took Motivation and Care. They were going off to travel to the land of Numb. Yet on the ship, we were flabberghasted, shocked. How could it have happened all over again? Emotion was out of his wits! It has been years since he had added to the salty water of the deep blue.
I guess that is what happens when you don't hassle your crew! You don't keep on your toes!...or Peg.
It will be a long and strenuous time rebuilding, all of the splinters and waterlogged areas. Buffering and Polishing. Making it good as new, stronger for the next time...hopefully there is no next time. In the mean time we are on the voyage to the land of Numb to retrieve Motivation and Care back in our arms.
'Hail Hail...Ship Ahoy Ship Ahoy'...what will we make of this? Another ship?

It all started with do you remember

That dang dandelion -.-

Whose line is it anyway?

Lines...we all use them. We'd be lying if we said we didn't. But what makes them alright and not would be what we are trying to infer by saying them.
We use them to save our ass when we are in a tricky situation, the last time somebody asks you something and you just want to get out of the situation without hurting their feelings...you use a line. We use them to make somebody feel better...many of us claim that we are honest but when it comes to the crunch could you really look in someones eyes and tell them something that may very well crush them inside and obliterate all hope. You say 'It will get better'...'Just have faith'...'It is alright'...'It will sort itself out'. Anyone done that? Of course you have. We do it because we care, because deep down we don't want to be the one that brings down the black curtain over their eyes, the one that makes them cry because selfishly that doesn't feel good.
We use lines to make somebody's day, to just see a smile on their dile and to know that you were the purpose, the one to make that happen. It may not be entirely true but to make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.
Sure these may all be a little selfish for us, to make us feel like good people..but is it the right thing to do? Depending who you ask....if you ask those who use lines to manipulate people to give them what they want and desire, who are focused on one thing, to make that person feel so special when in reality it is the fifth time they have said it to another female then the above is nothing to them. If you use lines to make someone feel better and only use those sort of lines then you may feel it is not right at all, sure at the time it seems like a good idea, but is it such a good idea when they find out the truth...that the person they trusted the most to get  the truth out of lied to them...it is a lie. Maybe its what you call a white lie but a lie all the same.
I mean now I think about it...how many lines have been used on me...and what were they for...?
We will never know.
The only people you hope that do not use lines on you are your closest friends or best friend, whichever you prefer...Because to be frank that would just suck. Those are the people you trust to be honest with you no matter what, yet they tell you 'Nataleigh it was a line' when talking about someone else....if it so easy for them to do that...how could I trust I don't get the same treatment. Yet it goes back to trust....and if you've been a follower of my blog, you can tell i have issues with that concept and that only recently I have been able to trust a certain few, enough to tell them my secrets, to let them know on what i think of them or the world...but I have my days where i trust them and days where I don't...or lack that trust. I don't know if other people feel the same. It just depends on what has happened during the day or my mood, which for you people that don't know me can be temperamental at times.
Sooooo...whats in a best friend...?
I guess if you find the right person it could be good...if you find someone that is not clingy it could be marvellous, someone you could share most of your secrets to, act foolish around, and insult without feeling shame or guilt because they know that at the end of the day they will have my back as I would have theirs...when I care about someone, I care about them and not much can change that. Loyalty lies deep within me so my best friend would have to be pretty loyal, yet if I were in the wrong, tell me I'm in the wrong even if I don't want to hear it. My best friend would need to not be shy of phone calls, texting is so difficult and tiresome sometimes. A good phone call is always good. You may not be talking the whole day like texting, but a couple of hours of actual laughter rather than 'lmao, lol, and hahahaha' makes you feel better as it is genuine and not just used as a fill in. My best friend would definitely need to know when I'm being sarcastic and genuine...usually im sarcastic a lot, and if they get annoyed at that, well too bad for them. Its my thing, I adopted it a few years ago and its stuck...and they can't take it personally. Because thats just stupid. and Trust. I don't even know how I got talking about this...in the past I had a couple of best friends...but went on to be a lone ranger, its just way easier...now I have no idea if I'm floating and have close friends or what...but if I do have a rather closer friend Id rather not label it, there is no need for that superficiality. I'd rather it go unsaid. I've never really needed a best friend...well thats what I think, others see differently...but I guess it would be nice for a change. I wouldn't know. I'm just rambling now.

It all started with do you remember...

Who'd have known?

Yeahhh I just turned 18 guyyyys. Woopty Doo!...Jokes I was actually quite excited. And at one point during the night my aunty asks me 'Do you feel any different? Have you changed?'
I looked at her like she had grown two heads and scoffed at the idea of changing in the space of a day. I said I feel the same as I've always been. I am the same person I've always been. Little did I know though I had changed. Quite a lot too.
It was this blog actually, it had triggered my memory of who I used to be at the age of 17. The reason I made this blog was initially to trigger others memories and reminisce of the good old days, bringing up moralistic issues that many would face and try to give my understanding on certain topics.
But recently it has been a cry of dark emotions, blurted out in a pretty form...to be honest its pathetic. I know it. You know it. It has gotta stop.
When I was looking through some of the older posts and what I was writing down I was thinking about how mature I sounded, how sure I was of myself, how this blog was being used for the audience and not selfishly for me. Because whatever I write on here must be realised that it will be read by different people.
Now that I am older I actually should stop the 'I'm an adult card' though i don't ever actually do that...just for purposes of this post and take a leaf out of my 17 year old self. I should be more positive and I should use this blog for better purposes than I have been. Accounting the good things that happen rather than moping the bad...in reality moping gets you nowhere.
Sure I can't just say I should be my 17 year old self totally because if it wasn't for the experiences I have been through, found the friends that I know can actually withhold a friendship for more than 6 months and grown from all of that, I wouldn't be a person that many people are proud of today.
We all change and though we never saw it and thought 'I am the same as last year' we really are not. It has been a slow, gradual change, every time you make a decision is a time when you are changing.
Change is to allow us to progress, to move forward...without this progression we'd stay the same, not learn anything from past consequences, good and bad, but just replay over and over and over again...that is pretty boring.
So yes I have changed. I have changed a lot since I started this blog which was around the same time this year. And I am glad I have.

It all started with do you remember...

They should be knighted

Push. Out.
No movement. No Budge.
Keep pushing
Even with a rough nudge.

A jab here,
A punch there.
I try so hard
Yet they don't move anywhere.

Their roots so thick
Their bark so sweet
What is with them.
This must be deceit.

It can't be true.
An illusion? A delusion?
One eye open
But they have chosen;

To stay.
To Guard.
To keep peace
To protect the scarred.

Cold shivers seep through
Iron and Metal
Its much too fast
Much too soon.

It spreads like a disease
Black overwhelms
Darkness appears
Yet there is a cloud...

A break. A ray
Really? Could it be?
This saving...
It was done just for me?

No Trust
Heart Fight.
I close my eyes
With all my might

Help the beggar
Give some food and shelter
But shun the carer.
In the heat I'd rather swelter.

The hope is too much

Just a sparkle 

And it can crush
With that stake knife chortle

They show you the home
But outside you sleep
They cook enough food
But  all you get is a whiff and a peep.

Thunder crashes loud
The dark rumbles
It may seem bleak and harsh
But I've seen many fumbles

Sure they can guard.

But do they guard their word
Guard it like its precious

Guard it like it deserves

They are human after all

Don't expect anything from the unexpected
As they say they are unpredictable

Enigmatic and have infected

The poor soldiers

With kind words and false hope

The bleeding wounds

Must hop back on the boat.

I have shown you my wounds
That is all too see.

There is nothing left

Nothing left of me.

So whilst you can

Run. Run far away

Find another muse

That will make a more interesting day

Yet you stay

When I bid you leave

Yet you stay

And say you'll comfort me

Yet you all stay

When I throw knives

Yet you all stay

And help me survive.

It all started with do you remember

P.S Thank-you.

The way the wind blew

I don't understand it.
There is so much change
All. Of. The. Time.
Some days are blue.
Some days are grey.
Some days are orange.
This turns out to be a good day.
When you jump out of bed
And don't fall flat on your face.
When you wake up not feeling dead.
But alive. ecstatic, full of grace.
For those people who do not like change
How on earth do they live.
Life's a rollercoaster.
You either hop in, knowing you are gonna hate it.
And ruin it for everyone.
Or hop in and try to have fun.
Go with the ups and downs.
The sharp turns that make your head spin.
And the nausea that you didn't intend on having.
My life is not as dramatic as some.
I am happy for this.
But when its done.
I'd like to look back.
And smile at all that I have overcome.


It all started with do you remember...

Don't take it personally

It happens one time or another
It was inevitable
I'm sorry it had to be you
Well actually I have nothing to be sorry about
It happens all of the time
Not my fault not your fault
Just me and my ways.
I hope you can see that.
But really its gonna happen
If you see it or not
Just don't take it personally
For God's Sakes Do Not.

Sure I may be as thick as glue
But one second I may come undone
Like a ball of yarn
I am tangled, cobwebbed untouched
Nobody cares they just walk by
It's like the Good Samaritan
What if that guy is in trouble
God Help Him.
Cautious is not hard.
I'm just not that type of girl that fall
At the drop of a hat
I'm not that type of girl that obeys
When a guy clicks their fingers
I am me.
I am still me.
I am not going to change.
So stop asking me too. All of you.
JUST. STOP.

It all started with do you remember...