It's okay

That sweet sound that resurfaces some dusty nostalgia is what truly tells me that Summer is here. The ice-cream truck.
Sure, the days were getting intensely hotter, i was having a couple of uncomfortable sleeps, though waking up refreshed, i wore boxers instead of pants, and the talk of going to the beach was coming from so many people's mouths. I'm not sure if it was the exams rock I was living under, but it wasn't until a couple of minutes ago that Summer had sunk in. That sweet scent of Summer's air equating to summer drives with no destination, relaxing holidays and catching up with all my friends seems closer than expected.
Exams are closer than expected. Tomorrow I have my English. I am a little apprehensive on that. But how it goes. It goes. This afternoon I have put my head down and tried to study hard. Lately i haven't felt that motivated. But that is okay because the sooner I realised that, the sooner I could do something about it.
It is quite surprising that my dependence on facebook has diminished. I don't feel the need to know everyone's problems, everyone's complaints, because naturally that is all people usually do on Facebook.
This comes to another oh so random point that crossed my mind. People say that people with a blog are part of the narcissistic population. I think different. Sure, I rant on here, I have vented on here. But most of all I like to think I can give people different perspective, a new insight into the worlds smallest of things, to get inspired to creatively express themselves.
A lot of this stuff is quite dark at times, and I don't regret telling you guys cryptically or not so cryptically depending on how many of you guys think you know how to read me.
Yes another post that may be seen as pointless, but to me it is not. I've quit with the apologising for natural things I do. I've quit complaining. And I've quit dwelling on the things I don't quite understand, because that is alright.

It all started with do you remember...

The thing about drunks

Now this post may be very bias, as everybody is different. A friend of mine said last night that some people aren't in control when they are drunk and others are.
Last night I was drunk, the reasons why I let myself get to this state were personal ones and it all came down to putting those little niggling boxes away and just having fun. Having a blast.
I walked in with my wine bottle (yes I'm all class :p) and yes I drank it all. I didn't feel the effects until it equated to the fifth standard drink. For me, for a little girl, I think I did well. My experience was things, movements went a little faster than usual, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sick, my balance was horrible though when I'm sober it is horrible also and I felt free, just bloody carefree.
Not many people are used to me in this state.
I got told that 'I looked awful'
                     'I looked like someone had just raped me' (these are all quotes)
                     ' I was in a funny state' etc.
There were some things that actually offended me. As they were being hypocrites, never once did I say that they looked like a little weak girl when they were in my position.
The thing is I knew what was going on, I wasn't blinded, I was in control of my words and thoughts. Just less inhibited. I was quite mentally in control. But the fact people were talking to me like I was some baby or mentally unaware person downright offended me. I didn't show this at the time, I just walked off. It got annoying that is for sure. I remember everything for GODS SAKES.
Thank goodness one of my other friends knew exactly what I was on about and they empathised with me. The next person who said maybe you should do blah blah blah...I was seriously going to punch them. Seriously.
One thing I hated was that people worried about me. This is the second time I am aware that people do worry when I'm in such a state. And the way they said 'Don't make me worry like that again' that was the point when i felt most like a child being reprimanded by their mother. It made me feel shit. I appreciate that people look out for me as it is usually the other way round but I'd hate to worry someone.
I know a few friends, if they read this they will be like Nataleigh shut up and have a good time, don't make a scene, don't make this bigger than it really is blah blah blah. Well people the next time you are me, then come back and say all that again.
But do I regret anything? No. I woke up with a huge grin on my face because I was free and I had fun.
That is all.

It all started with do you remember...

I'm not perfect. I'm not this person who can be everything you want. I am just a person. Just a human. But the difference between me and another, is that I try...not perfection but to be a good person without any exception to 'I'm only human'.
If we all want to be good people, commit to that then we can. It's just a matter of will power, self control and moreso how much you truly care. If one out of these three are not evident, its not your fault. You're only human...right? Wrong! You don't give up. You get up every time that person knocks you back down, you get right back up, each time is harder but each time shows how much you care.
I am biologically and physically human but I like to think my set of values and principles are stronger and sustainable. They are not these flexible guidelines. Because that is an excuse to cut any responsibility out of your life.
I only genuinely care for a handful of people. It's a harsh reality but it is the truth. If they are hurt, lost and confused then I am there quick-smart, ready to help pick up the pieces. Two pairs of hands are better than one. I'm the listener, the advice giver and just the person to sit with them for the company until they feel whole again. Until they are alright. People can rely on me and I know I can rely on those same people, I try not too because I've been hurt way too many times to count. But so has everyone else it seems.
Though what if roles are reversed.
What if I were the one to hurt one of those very dear people to me?
Once its done its done. You can't go back in time. I wish I could though.
What if it was your strongest point that became  your tragedy.
I have prized myself on having an abundance of self control and will power, basically nothing can get through. Yet after the batterings I've had in recent times, it slowly crumbles allowing for vulnerability to expose itself, allowing me to become weaker. I don't want to excuse myself. Because this person doesn't deserve something that would act like an excuse.
As much as I was scared I still told them the truth, its better than hiding it. They deserve the truth. I know I would want it.
I really don't know what the point of this post was. Just a couple of things on my mind and because that person and I aren't on a steady page, I can't go to them to talk things out. I can't tell them about the shit day I've had. Yet i have to become the person I was....sometimes I think that's better. It was safer.
I don't know.

It all started with do you remember...(cause I sure do)

That Moment

Somebody's boring is another's memorable.
I have been thinking lately, when don't I think, but recently it came up in a conversation quite randomly that it is those moments that you are sitting with a person in complete silence and doing absolutely nothing that makes it memorable or special. It is only when  you can sit in silence without feeling awkward is when you know that that person is a true friend.
To some, this may seem utterly boring, they'd rather watch paint dry. But it is in these moments we just appreciate somebody's company. No talking required, its just a matter of someone being there.
Everybody, even though they don't explicitly admit it, needs somebody there. Its that warm blanket of comfort that is priceless.
I'm not sure if I'm doing this post justice, it sounded a lot better in my head to be frank.
I guess its the simple things in life that many overlook are the ones that we keep in our hearts the longest. Yet so many due to their busy schedules don't take time to look, to breathe and appreciate the moment. Because its just a snap of the fingers and the moment is over. Well and truly over and even if you try to replicate it, you can never regain that singular moment. That moment was natural, it was raw, it was true. Replication may look like the moment but it won't feel like it. And you know when it feels right.
The moments I may go to a particular park and a smell reminds me of a moment, it may have just been me and my brother kicking a ball around but its a moment that I won't forget. Or the moments when my brother and I played cards with my dad. It is crystal clear, but it is these moments I wish to relive.
People want a movie experience to call their life. My advice is you don't need that Hollywood Magic, look around you because all the magic is right in front of you. You just have to want it enough, be ready to appreciate it to see it.
As they say open your eyes and smell the roses.

It all started with do you remember...

I scream but no one hears me

Silence is our loudest cry
Silent rivers run deep
But they never warned
that silent rivers ran dry.