hey i'm back

Did anyone miss me?
Sorry I was away for such a long time. Did so much. Had two parties on friday and then saturday then sunday was on my way to merimbula NSW. I will tell you exactly what I told my friends. It was calming, serene and looks relaxing but not much to do that is the reason we cut it short we were supposed to come back Sunday. But for some odd reason i was very uncomfortable. I have no idea why, as i said the place was very relaxing, though small but you can't complain. I just had an urge to go home. Don't know why. The good thing was I got soooo much thinking and contemplating (they mean the same thing I know) done, that I have figured a lot of confusion out. Untangled my yarn from my head and really thought. When you are so in deep in thought it is so satisfying , especially when all your worries and confusion that has burdened itself on you for like a month is finally let go a little. There is more space for new information because I'm not consumed  by old.

So here are some photos...
                                                          (this is  Eden)

Me attempting at building a sandcastle

and failing miserably. First of all I was gonna make a sandman like a snowman but I didn't have much time so I tried to make a sand christmas tree instead and as you can see it turned out more like a dung pile.

This is my brothers however

obviously he is more artistic than me and could utilise his time with better management.

The next pictures were from the day before where we both made a sand castle and we made a tunnel. I had this pretty cool idea to take a photo through the tunnel out to the see and some look like Nathan out of the opening of a cave.

i like these pictures because it looks like something off a postcard or something

and this just happened to take when i tripped over the sand and was falling down but its a good picture ey?

I'll upload the rest tomorrow

It started with do you remember...

Toto I don't think we are in Kansas anymore

Really? Is this real, I mean how can such a wonderful thing exist...I never thought it could and no I'm not speaking of love but  a day where there was no drama. Now that sounds too good to be true. Don't you think? I didn't think life could be like that lately but I guess I'm  not always right.
It wasn't anything special that happened today but yet again it was special. Just a nice sunny day hanging with friends, filming something for media, doing what I love to do. It was a good day...tiring but still good.
It must be because I was around people that didn't bitch...maybe that's it. Just people who can have conversations other than gossip.

It's a great accomplishment to finally share a day like that.
This post may be sarcastic and i am exaggerating but clearly did like this day. It was so different, like the old days.

It all started with do you remember...

My Rock

Everybody has a rock. Somebody that they can lean on in troubled times. Being the person that I am didn't know this concept until a few days ago. As I was talking to a friend we were talking about their rock and they asked me who is your rock? At the time I said I don't know. This new concept made me think, all these years I have been other peoples rocks that when they need help I'm the one who is reliable and will help at a moments notice but who do I have. I thought for quite a long time and came up with this: many hang onto me but i am on a cliff flailing my little arms trying to grab hold of something but come up with nothing. My friend told me to go for guys since they are a lot stronger- emotionally, usually. This is like my mission sort of...because I'm not one of those emotional girls which I keep reminding a lot of people but though this is the fact, it is always nice when you know you have someone there too lean on.

Haha...I couldn't resist putting this in this blog. Love the song...

It all started with do you remember...

The Snail

I'm a snail, slowly making my mark everywhere I go
I'm a snail, curious about the outside world but anxious at the same time
I'm a snail, I have a shell that is hard for me but anyone can crush it
I'm a snail, I'm shy but when I get familiar with my surroundings I get a little more confident.
I'm a snail, that when I poke my  head out and somebody touches it it pops back in and doesn't show for a long time.
I'm a snail, trust is hard to get but once messed with me it is even harder.

It all started with do you remember

YOU KNOW THE FEELING...WHAT FEELING?

Helpless

That is how i feel. Helpless when I see my friend put on a bravado face just for me, until I see a short glimpse of the hurt he carries. He won't talk about it but I know he is hurt. Helpless because I don't want to pressure him into telling me, yet too I know I don't like to tell anyone my truest feelings. What do I do?
Helpless is when I see a starving child on the television, knowing that my money can do only so much and that their isn't only one starving child but a lot.
Helpless that the person rotting sitting in her bed, glued to the laptop, won't get up to help herself. She stares bleary eyed at the screen, gazing at it like an addiction, honing into it for hope but it is just a screen. Her hope is her family that try to help but she won't take any of it, and each time she refuses, she digs down into the depths of gloom taking my father with her.
Then I feel a little angry because all he wants to do is see her lively and trying to help her but she ignores it and gets angry at him because she won't help herself. I just want to yell at her for what she is doing to him, each refusal makes him lash out like a ticking time bomb ready to explode any minute, anything can let him off. Then I'm angry at the family that bitches every time we get together because that is all they talk about.
But most of all I'm angry at myself for not having the guts to wake her up, and for feeling helpless.
Because that is what I am helpless.

It all started with do you remember...

Reminisce

Today was probably the first time in five years that I have felt like this. Today reminded me of when I was in year six and had a lovely male best friend, who helped me out and we had fun together without actually liking each other in a girlfriend/boyfriend way. Today at rehearsals I felt the same, finally one of the missing pieces of my puzzle had been filled and I was content. It was nice the hugs, the talking of the past and how each of us got scars and accidents, the dirty jokes. I felt like my year six self but more mature and the jokes have slightly changed. But it was nice, I know I can count on him and it was nice to be accepted once again.
Why the hell am I telling you guys this...well I just had this feeling of wholeness, yes I am such a cornball with extra cheese but that is how I felt and not many people usually hear me talk about my feelings or anything like that so you guys should feel privileged.
Have a great weekend...I can tell you that mine has brightened up so much more now although it is overcast outside.

It all started with do you remember...